Somewhere on my shelves John Barth’s The Sot Weed Factor stands with a red badge of courage tattooed on its spine. For thirty years the book has been the first line of post modern defense against household pests. When I lived in the South Bronx ( rents were low…life was cheap), the patter of little feet meant someone had turned the lights on in the kitchen. Here are some tips for homeowners and booklovers: Cockroaches are not impressed with Oprah books. If you try smashing a roach with a Wally Lamb novel, you’re gonna lose. In Manhattan always try an outer borough telephone book before resorting to the first editions. Check with your co-op board for possible noise rule infractions. If you’re in the Hamptons and spot a roach, call the police.
Friends in Philadelphia know their roaches are famous for sarcasm ( bring it on, they say). Best to kill these prehistoric bastards with a local author. Don’t even think about rolling The New Yorker into a ball. Most insects understand that death by higher sensiblity isn’t going to happen here. Sure, home delivery of the Sunday New York Times has taken an accidental toll, but, what are the odds? A cockroach high command meeting on your stoop? The paperboy approaches…
Anthony Burgess can be a good backup plan after you’ve discussed with the family all the important safety features of a big fat book. If you own a copy of Earthly Powers, no need for detente. Place a dish on the kitchen floor. Fill it halfway with beer. Budweiser is fine. Turn out the kitchen lights and wait until dark. While the beer settles, thumb through Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition after removing it carefully from its honored position near the Cheerios. When you see the enemy headed for the beer, don’t panic and use the Swimsuit edition as a weapon. Grab Don Delillo or, if desperate, Donald Barthelme. Who says post modernism is dead?