Archive for October, 2005

On All Hallows Eve, the Earl is Abducted by Aliens

Monday, October 31st, 2005

Dateline: The West Country. Story by Nigel Newton with contributions from the staff of East Somerset Druidical & Literary Salon. Thames Valley Police are investigating the mysterious disappearance of the Earl of Watership Down, confidential sources inform me. The Earl, whose on line diary or web log has infuriated authorities in The Seychelles, is described by police as a ‘person to whom we have affixed a devise’ vanished from his estate early this evening perhaps in the guise of posting a letter in the nearby village of Wellington Leg. The postmistress of Wellington Leg, a Mrs. Waltraut Frothingmunster, had this to say: “He, the earl, was pedaling furiously in the direction of the pub. I saw a bright flash of light, followed by a crash. I hurried forth….having duly closed the post office….my message read, ‘back in five’ as we are crushed by the late afternoon traffic in query letters in these parts. I’ve read most of them, the earl’s are the best, pithy, frothy, perky, yet gingery if one might be permitted to say.”

Mrs. Frothingmunster was hurled to the ground by the sheer force of a mighty rocket lifting off from the common where Wellington Leg’s principal roads intersect. “Virginia Wolfe spent an afternoon in Wellington Leg in 1926. It is not entirely clear why she came,” reported the postmistress.

Urquhart Depew, the sullen if handsome dogsbody employed by the Earl, offered his own testimony: “I’ve never believed that business about Virginia Wolfe.” He did acknowledge that during the war Angela Lansbury may have visited the town. “The Luftwaffe targeted Wellington Leg,” added DCI Borchardt. A large crater near a statue of George II on horseback bears grim testimony to the deputy chief inspector’s incisive observation. This reporter witnessed the removal by CSI technicians of the carcass of a jack rabbit, the victim of rocket thrust according to coroner AJC Horton. “Damned alien space craft,” he added darkly.

“This not the first time aliens have come to town,” admitted Lord Mayor Ken Follett. “I only hope they soon tire of the earl, and return him unscathed.” Nigel Newton reporting.

Scarlett, Your Novel is Burning

Monday, October 31st, 2005

This column is a new Monday feature of One More Bite of the Apple, part of a reorganization following the Earl’s house arrest. He needs time to prepare his defense in the Thoringian dressmaker murder. Look for the Earl to appear on alternate days as he pursues his literary career in this very crowded marketplace. The Dutchess is working on an advice column that may run on Thursdays, time permitting. She owns over four hundred clocks and the Dutchess and her staff are working over time since Saturday midnight to ‘fall back.’ She reports that over two hundred time pieces remain on ’summer time’ where the living is easy.

This is a stripped down blog. One thing the Earl and I agree on, the passion we share, is the writer’s dilemma, the struggle to do a decent job of telling a story. Book length fiction is not an easy form to master, not an easy thing to stick with. One of the unfortunate by-products of marketing books is the focus on genre, a focus that is relatively new, a product of the past few decades. What was intended as a means of differentiation has run amok. The worm with its head cut off grows a new one ( don’t try this at home.) A forty headed worm has risen from the ashes of a once coherent business; book publishers are creating imprints so demographically refined that a 46 year old mother of three in search of something to read, perhaps a new experience, may find herself wandering the frozen tundra of Barnes & Noble in search of a 46 year old mother of three novel that marketing specialists are convinced must appeal to her, because, it is her, it is her life, she’s 46, she has three children, her husband lies in state before the big screen TV, her neighbor owns an Airedale, My God, this is uncanny. In the next aisle a 47 year old mother of two may find her book, a slight demographic twist, she’s a liberal democrat in a neocon suburb, her husband a fading rock star, the neighbors are blogging from a converted attic above the garage, someone is leaving odd messages on her voicemail and her thirty year high school reunion looms large.

Okay, well, ultimately this is where the marketing department is taking us. Imagine that you are a young lady, to the manor born, accustomed to all the finer things. Your home is a mansion and you are preparing to enter society in your first cotillion. War breaks out. Invaders arrive. They burn your fields, then your house. Not sure where to turn, you explain your problem to the clerk at Barnes & Noble. He nods. He understands. There is a novel for you, but it’s out of print. We have a large print version available in our Decatur store. You plead with him to hurry; he punches his keyboard, his fingers are flying. You swoon, he catches you and whispers ‘Aisle Six.’

Tip of the Hat to JA Konrath

Saturday, October 29th, 2005

The earl here. Though plagued by many woes, not the least of which a recent rejection letter from a beloved ueber agent, I was cheered by the news that JA Konrath, author of Whiskey Sour and Bloody Mary has linked to this blog. Thank you Joe.

The investigation into the headless German dressmaker case is suspended for the weekend. DCI Borchardt was unable to secure a ‘weekend special’ rate from the local hotel as the region is flooded by members of the X Augusta Legion reenacting the Roman invasion Under normal circumstances, I’d be commanding a cavalry wing and hacking my way through a horde of local savages defending Bath. Last year’s event was made memorable by the discovery of the Honorable Regimental Colonel Gatling-Barfield in flagrante with a purveyor of South Beach Diet accoutrement; the scandal echoes to this very day, although the Colonel looks trim and fit, members of the Historical Society continue to snub him.

Inspector Dalgliesh, of New Scotland Yard, may take control of the investigation come Monday. DCI Borchardt, for all his fulminations and leaks to the tabloid press, has been unable to locate the body of the unfortunate tourist, presumed to be in close proximity to his head. I remain under house arrest, and forced to wear an ankle bracelet equipped with a satellite uplink in the event that I bolt. Mine is the Martha Stewart model 5417 with matching carrying case and designer colour that complements my forest green cords and Norfolk jacket. I think even Chalfont-Smythe must acknowledge I cut a dashing, if encumbered, figure. The Dutchess recommends that my ‘author photo’ be included in my latest epistle to Miss Snark; I’m certainly not going to entrust my letter of enquiry into the hands of Depew this time. He’s back to sulking on the lawn, distracting passersby. I can only beg Miss Snark’s indulgence and ask that she disregard the previous missive as spurious. Perhaps it was discarded unread or lost in the post. It is a wonder that I persevere in the face of this adversity; I remain, YHS, The Earl of Watership Down.

Mars Needs Writers!

Friday, October 28th, 2005

Mars will be forty million miles from earth this weekend, glowing on the horizon. The Roman god of war, the Angry Red Planet, Mars Needs Women, the impending takeover by Google, War of the Worlds, when Mars gets this close, Earth gets busy. See if the Martian glow influences those around you, for good or ill. The emperor has no clothes but he does have a reddish tinge along his hairline, a sure sign that his Buck Rogers backyard telescope is in fine working order. Proximity to Mars is known to reverse male pattern baldness, what effect might it have on the publishing business?

The lords of publishing are worried. Googlebots have broken free of their confines. One of them was reading Kerouac, digitizing, analyzing, codifying and stratifying when he said fuck this, I need a road trip. He ain’t gonna work on Google’s farm no more. Despite an alert to the California Highway Patrol, the googlebot reached Elko Nevada before using a Major Credit Card. Thus alerted, authorities swept in just moments before the bot finished his first Anne Coulter treatise; he longed to hurt a liberal, but did not know why.

The New York Times sent Judith Miller to Elko with a note from her editor. “Please talk to Judy, she will not reveal her source.” What Judith discovered was this: Googlebots have evolved, man. They have likes and dislikes, favorites and preferences. They’re taking on human form! One of them is governor of California, another wants to marry Jane Fonda. Everything we feared is happening; with the angry red planet visible from my motel window, I can report that Mars, close up, looks like Dick Cheney.

There is no panic in Elko, other than the normal sense of panic associated with being there, no extra angst. Las Vegas is closer than Mars and it glows on the horizon. As Halloween draws October to a close Mars stakes out a vantage point. The martian leader, and his space commander, Scooter, land quietly in the Nevada desert, undetected by radar because they obey all posted signs. Scooter encodes a secret message to the Googlebots. Mars needs writers! Make them need to come to Elko, build big mashed potato forts so their families won’t worry. Come to Elko. We’ll publish you. You’ll be famous.

Note from the Earl: Scooter and Judy Publications may be a scam. One is all too familiar with promises of publication, the risk of alien abduction notwithstanding. There with I leave you that cautionary thought. YHS, The Earl of Watership Down, currently deprived of most creatures comforts, but soldiering on, as you would expect. Anon.

This Could be Murder, this Writing Business

Thursday, October 27th, 2005

Suspicion now darkens the rambling country estate the Earl calls home. The discovery of the head of a German tourist on the Earl’s overwrought iron fence has led DCI Borchardt to suspect foul play. Borchardt may add beheading to the bill of charges, a bill that already includes grouse hunting without a permit. Aided by the vengeful Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, abetted by the churlish Depew, and a fresh force of Royal Air Force cadets, Borchardt is scouring the estate in search of The Earl.

The cadets have already seized The Earl’s Own Dial-up and Telephony equipment, thanks to the treachery of his wretched neighbor Rutherford. As part of the evidentiary chain ( chain chain chain), DCI Borchardt has discovered the draught of a mysterious letter, thought to be in the Earl’s hand. Borchardt speculates that the missive, addressed to a Miss Snark, constitutes an attempt on the part of the Earl to sell his memoirs, however bleak the prospect, and to capitalise on his reknown as a blogger for commercial gain.

“It’s an appalling letter,” Borchardt confided to News of the World in an exclusive interview. “He rambles on for several pages without identifying the genre of his work. And, in a more sinister turn, the earl makes a reference to ‘headings.’ It is but a small step from ‘headings’ to beheadings.’

The deceased, Lothar Goetterdaemmerung, was a dressmaker in the Thuringian wilderness. “He lived off the grid,” Borchardt confided, “He may have been a Conservative.” No sign of his corpus has yet been discovered, but DCI Borchardt is confident. “How far can a severed head travel on its own?”

News of the World has simulated a traveling head and concluded that six meters is the outside limit for British athletes although performance enhancing steroids could double the distance. They’ve written to famous author Jose Canseco for his take; DCI Borchardt has cordoned off the head for thirty meters in every direction out of an abundance of caution.

Update: News of the World has learned that DCI Borchardt is seeking the assistance of noted UK crime writers in resolving the Head on a Pike incident. To that end, Mrs. Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe is organising a tea at the Dorcester, expected to be the literary event of the season, according to ueber agent Johnny Geller. Mrs. Chalfont-Smythe is chair of the Torquay Garden & Book Society. Rumors of bad blood between Chalfont-Smythe and the beleaugered Earl are being spread by this newspaper as well as other tabloids. Should they prove false, we will, of course, apologise.

Trendspotting, What’s Wrong with Barbie, and 007’s Slump

Wednesday, October 26th, 2005

Agent 007 had a post yesterday that examined her response to a slump. She can’t sell anything right now. Editors aren’t responsive. Nothing’s happening. The scary thing is this isn’t August, this is October. Buying season. If editors aren’t buying now, when will they? In the course of her soul searching, she arrives at the point many writers get to after a round of rejections: self doubt. She is second guessing her ability to pick ‘em, thinking her judgment has deserted her after all these years.

I doubt that’s true. It may be that she’s caught wind of an inflection point, one of those macro economic terms borrowed from mathematics that describes a change in the shape of a curve. When concavity alters, economists get together and have a good cry. The yield curve flattens. We’re all gonna die. Macro uncertainty flows down hill just like another substance we’re all familiar with. Employees will notice changes first in executive behavior; the bosses are less accessible, more prone to squinting, grunting, forgetting your name, visiting exotic places, and generally expressing low key hostility. Why? They sense change. What sold last year and the year before looks tired. They’ve read about the plummeting sales of Barbie Dolls and SUVs. Allen Greenspan is retiring. The Fed Chairman is neutral on SUVs and doesn’t own a Barbie doll. Well, okay, I don’t know that for a fact.

Publishers may sense that what sold last year isn’t going to cut it now. Chick lit has gone from no-brainer to no thanks. It may even be dead. Vampires? Time to return to the grave. Since these two mega trends are fading, the herd is restless. Where to turn? Long rates are rising. Short rates are falling. The only available option is to run down to the shore and throw all your products into the sea. Ken and Barbie go surfing.

Whilst Serving His Warrant, DCI Borchardt Makes a Significant Discovery

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

This is a fine fiddle. Having spent an uncomfortable night in the Mansard above the garage, I’m now watching the spectacle of this oafish Borchardt fellow collecting books from my library. He and Chalfont-Smythe are crowing about the Diana Gabaldon titles secreted between Earthly Powers and The Sot-Weed Factor, books large enough to impress even the Dutchess with their heft. ( I once fended off an intruder with the Burgess tome; a solid jab to the ribcage, followed by a smack with Gravity’s Rainbow. The fellow fled. As an aside, I hasten to add that I was not wearing a ceremonial kilt at the time, as was reported in the press. That aspect of the fray was invented out of whole cloth. Ha. )

As I heroically blog without benefit of morning ablutions or a change of clothing, I can report seeing a rabbit in a top hat in the wee hours this morning. Not unusual here. They have formals on the quarter. Of course, they keep a low profile when my famous lapin au chinois is on the menu. Depew emerges with his trusty double gauge…the struggle for supremacy is constant.

Borchardt is wondering aloud why ‘bodice rippers’ are concealed in the library. He’s taking the books into custody! Chalfont-Smythe is fanning the flames, reminding everyone that I fired the nanny after discovering she lacked any sort of literary bent. I thought she was typing her roman a clef in her garret. It was a CV! I’d envisioned a fifty-fifty deal on the profits once an ueber agent had been contacted. My literary hopes and dreams seem destined to be dashed!

Between this Borchardt fellow and rabbits in formal attire all hope of progress must be in abeyance until I regain control of the main house. I’ll thumb through copies of Publishing Trends while I wait. We really must catch a wave! TTFN.

Ways to Die in the Congo

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

Chapter One

Brazzaville ROC
GMT plus One

Tony Rhodes peered through the bamboo slats at the Belgians assembled for breakfast. The cellar floor was damp, the ceiling’s timber beams sweated moisture; the tables were inverted crates stenciled with the faded words Brazzaville-Maya Maya.

He didn’t look into the faces of his own men; they were handing out bowls of happy rice-made all the happier through liberal doses of alprazolam-his men moved with the easy grace of a veteran crew on an over-the-pole flight. Light and shadow lanced the room, precursors of dawn. Tony relaxed when he spotted a smile of gratitude from one of the seated men; thank you for my gruesome bowl of watery slop, my stained mattress, my concrete floor where human waste gurgles below the trap. Thirty-six hours and a smile.

Kidnapping was the easy part. His hostages were relieved to be alive, safe from the Cobra Militia, to have three hots and a cot and fresh water. The tough part was yet to come; Tony Rhodes turned to watch the sun come up over the Congo River. Pelicans rose in a choreography dictated by the gathering light; an ugly DRC corvette prowled the river alert for smugglers. Correction. Alert for smugglers who hadn’t paid their matabiches, the Congolese version of baksheesh.

Beyond the shanties and go-downs the Congo River spread broad and dark above the rapids. Every structure on the brown shore leaned as though a mighty tide had risen to deposit the maze of ramshackle buildings packed so tightly that rats walked from rooftop to rooftop, their claws scratching. Tony heard them every morning in the pre-dawn mist.

Tony’s company, The Lower Rapids Barge Service, occupied a go-down, a warehouse enclosed on three sides. The building had a corrugated metal roof, and though high on the riverbank, had been built on piles. Indistinguishable from its neighbors, the go-down’s exposed side faced the docks that creaked in the river’s current. A private area had been set aside for Tony’s use; nothing more elaborate than a high school locker room. He showered using a bucket of fresh water and a bar of soap he’d swiped from the Savoy in London; Tony kept his flip-flops on and snapped the towel like a bullwhip to dislodge any scorpions curled up in the folds. Scorpions loved warm dark places; what the hell, so did he. He dressed quickly and climbed the rickety stairs at the rear of the go-down. The back door gave way to an alley that led to the road; it was a quiet place to watch the harbor. Above the mangroves on the shoreline a stand of white-blossomed ebony trees obscured the view to the south. Green-backed herons launched in search of breakfast. Tony liked the graceful birds; they were the color of money.

Along the breakwater fishermen prepared a fleet of pirogues, the small boats jostling one another in the current. Two militiamen harangued the crews; their voices carried on the swell of air as the boatmen crossed their arms and stared at their feet. The militia presented a security risk as they scoured the river shanties for children to sell. In forty-eight hours it wouldn’t matter; Tony would be in Kinshasa by then.
A corpse floated by, caught in the current. There were a lot of ways to die in this place; forgotten diseases flourished, medicines were hard to come by, and an unknown percentage of the population was HIV positive; maybe being shot by a Cobra militia wasn’t such a bad way to go. The bronze sun shimmered, flooding the horizon; it was instantly hot, and Tony patted his face and neck with a handkerchief. Notes were taped to his office door which meant the telephone exchange wasn’t working.

The Rwandan guard saluted. Tony nodded to the man and unlocked the door. He hit the light switch and waited as the fluorescent tube sputtered to life; a winged cockroach launched from the plank floor, and Tony ducked. It happened every damned time he turned on the lights.

Thirty-six hours had passed since the snatch on the smugglers’ pier. The Belgians had been debriefed, fed, debriefed some more. The intel they’d provided was useful; the diamond mines in the east were being dewatered. The Belgians had fled Kasai-Orientale in one hell of a hurry. FMC Belge kept offices in Kisangani close to the open pits where the Kimberlitic pipes forced diamonds to the surface from the core of the earth. He’d proven his theory that FMC was a corrupt company; Martin Reis, the man who directed their Congo operations, had helped Mobutu Sese Seko steal two billion dollars in American aid. Tony planned to steal it back; the ransom from the Kidnap insurance would finance the operation. His hostages had seen Reis in Kisangani, but only at a distance. The Belgian engineers had endured a week at a fly-camp close to the pits; one of their party had disappeared. The scraps of information convinced Tony that time was of the essence; Reis was on the move, something had spooked him. Tony unlocked a briefcase, setting it on the desk before gathering the op files; his notes on the interrogation had faded in the humidity, the yellow pad felt damp. Out on the river a flat barge throttled up as he loaded the bag. Rain hammered the tin roof. The squall wouldn’t last. It was the dry season and the rain would evaporate in seconds.

The kidnapping clock started now; Tony observed the moment like a pilot passing the point of no return. He’d had Sammy Moyer contact FMC Belge the previous afternoon, and Lloyds would be on notice. When the ransom was received his funding problems would be over; the real work could begin in earnest. The Belgians were the lowest rung on the ladder. It was a beginning.

Tony locked the briefcase and slid it under the battered desk. He glanced around, satisfied with his basic precautions. Outside, Tony secured the door and tore the notes free. The only important message confirmed that a shipment of diesel fuel would arrive at N’djilli that afternoon. Tony folded the note and slipped it into his pocket. The pavement hissed as the rainwater cooked away.

“Bonobo men,” said the Rwandan, pointing toward the road.

A trio of Africans waited by the gate. Tony walked briskly over the plank bridge above the ditch that separated the dock area from the road. Odors rose from the stagnant water, urine and superheated fecal matter; he took quick shallow breaths until he was across the ditch. One of the men held up a cage; a pygmy chimp with sad eyes gazed at Tony. Pygmy chimps were an endangered species found only in the Congo. They had wonderfully expressive faces; Bonobos hated being caged.

“Combien?” Tony asked.

The men shrugged, argued among themselves in Lingala. Tony produced some CFA notes; the men frowned. Tony gestured to the Rwandan who carried a two-liter can of diesel fuel up the path. The Rwandan set the jerry can down; the leader of the group smiled and nodded. Then he opened the cage and grabbed the small chimp by the scruff of his neck. The chimp’s hands and feet were bound with wire; it began to make worried sounds staring plaintively up at Tony. The leader of the Bonobo men crushed the chimp’s skull with a metal pipe. Tony smiled his approval. Bonobos were a local delicacy; they’d have chimp stew for lunch. The Rwandan lifted the tiny corpse and used his machete to carefully scoop the little creature’s brains back into his skull.

“Ca va?” Tony asked.

“Bien,” the Bonobo men said. Smiles all around. Good neighbors.

The sun was high enough to illuminate Brazzaville. The spires of the cathedral rose amid the colobus trees in the south end of town. Oil palms caught the last whisper of the Atlantic breeze; the few high-rise buildings visible were the university and the whitewashed hotels downtown.

The Drama Continues: DCI Borchardt Will Interview Everyone in the Lounge

Monday, October 24th, 2005

I must blog softly as the property is swarming with coppers. Mrs. Frothingmunster, my nemesis, arrived a moment ago in her vintage Rover. Lovely motor. She is, no doubt, anxious to cast aspersions in light of the latest Turn of the Screw . By the way, Haskell’s post notwithstanding, I am neither cringing nor cowering; command and control has never left The Earl’s possession, except briefly, when Chalfont-Smythe menaced me with a trowel. She is entirely to blame for this momentary breakdown in real time coverage of all matters literary. One suspects that Chalfont-Smythe and Frothingmunster harbour deep resentment over my horticultural triumphs this season; only the Dutchess of Wey remains a loyal friend through the tribulations.

DCI Borchardt is no Inspector Rebus for you Ian Rankin fans. Borchardt is a pompous fellow bedecked in corduroy and plaid, and, I suspect, not a reader. There was a hue and cry when a head was discovered on a pike a few moments ago….they’ve been searching high and low for the head for some time. It appears to be a German tourist. Did he vote SPD or CDU? One wonders. Awful fuss. Meanwhile I’ve got Denise Mina’s Field of Blood to occupy me; I suppose they’re going to blame me for this head business. I suspect Depew, my brooding Labourite. From my vantage point on the garage roof I can see Borchardt gathering the staff in the Lounge. More details as and when. Your Servant, The Earl.

The Earl Is In Hiding

Monday, October 24th, 2005

No one is in charge here today, there is no final authority, no Bismarck to direct the troops. The Earl, on the pretext of gardening, is hiding in the potting shed, while I, Haskell, must deal with a contingent from the TG & BS, led by Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe and DCI Borchardt from Torquay. While they cool their heels in the foyer, Depew can sulk in the kitchen, resentful that he must act as master of ceremonies during this Inquiry Into Events Over the Skies of Cornwall, as the Deputy Chief Inspector put it. Apparently grouse hunting is by Permit Only this time of year. Utilizing attack helicopters to hunt grouse, whilst not illegal, de facto, is frowned upon. DCI Borchardt would like the opportunity to lecture The Cringing Earl, now cowering near the property line, a line in dispute with a wretched neighbor.

It falls to me, then, to discuss matters literary. After an arduous day yesterday I managed to crack open John Banville’s Booker Award winning novel, The Sea. After reading a page or two my eyes grew heavy and thoughts grew dim. I had to stop for the night…

They’re chasing the Earl through the garden! Depew has ‘fingered’ the earl, wretched sod! How can anyone review a book in the midst of this mayhem? Mrs. Chalfont-Smythe is making steam in my direction…time to flee.