This Could be Murder, this Writing Business
Suspicion now darkens the rambling country estate the Earl calls home. The discovery of the head of a German tourist on the Earl’s overwrought iron fence has led DCI Borchardt to suspect foul play. Borchardt may add beheading to the bill of charges, a bill that already includes grouse hunting without a permit. Aided by the vengeful Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, abetted by the churlish Depew, and a fresh force of Royal Air Force cadets, Borchardt is scouring the estate in search of The Earl.
The cadets have already seized The Earl’s Own Dial-up and Telephony equipment, thanks to the treachery of his wretched neighbor Rutherford. As part of the evidentiary chain ( chain chain chain), DCI Borchardt has discovered the draught of a mysterious letter, thought to be in the Earl’s hand. Borchardt speculates that the missive, addressed to a Miss Snark, constitutes an attempt on the part of the Earl to sell his memoirs, however bleak the prospect, and to capitalise on his reknown as a blogger for commercial gain.
“It’s an appalling letter,” Borchardt confided to News of the World in an exclusive interview. “He rambles on for several pages without identifying the genre of his work. And, in a more sinister turn, the earl makes a reference to ‘headings.’ It is but a small step from ‘headings’ to beheadings.’
The deceased, Lothar Goetterdaemmerung, was a dressmaker in the Thuringian wilderness. “He lived off the grid,” Borchardt confided, “He may have been a Conservative.” No sign of his corpus has yet been discovered, but DCI Borchardt is confident. “How far can a severed head travel on its own?”
News of the World has simulated a traveling head and concluded that six meters is the outside limit for British athletes although performance enhancing steroids could double the distance. They’ve written to famous author Jose Canseco for his take; DCI Borchardt has cordoned off the head for thirty meters in every direction out of an abundance of caution.
Update: News of the World has learned that DCI Borchardt is seeking the assistance of noted UK crime writers in resolving the Head on a Pike incident. To that end, Mrs. Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe is organising a tea at the Dorcester, expected to be the literary event of the season, according to ueber agent Johnny Geller. Mrs. Chalfont-Smythe is chair of the Torquay Garden & Book Society. Rumors of bad blood between Chalfont-Smythe and the beleaugered Earl are being spread by this newspaper as well as other tabloids. Should they prove false, we will, of course, apologise.