Nicole Richie Shortlisted. Arc Damaged By Hogs Reported Salvageable
Dateline, Wellington Leg. Your Reporter, Nigel Newton. In an exclusive to the Druidical & Literary this reporter can confirm the rumour that Nicole Richie, author and bonne vivante, is shortlisted for the coveted Snooker Prize to be presented later this month at the recently refurbished Wellington Grand Hotel on the Vail of the White Horse Road. “Excitement is rampant,” noted Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe. “Without the Earl to muck things up, I sense a new freedom bursting forth from our collective bosom.” ( Ed. Note: we do aplogise for the use of the word ‘bosom’ although we do wonder privately what a ‘collective bosom’ might imply in the larger social context, ie, can there be such a thing? Is there, already, such a thing? If so, shall we encourage its growth with this reference? We wonder.)
Chalfont-Smythe went on to say, “A certain person, one with many and several outrages to his credit, is now responsible, in absentia, for unleashing upon the county a highly mobile and unruly colony of hogs…creating disturbances to the peace and harmony previously enjoyed in these precincts.”
This reporter followed a police caravan to the offices of Coroner AJC Howard who examined the damaged arc, or advance reading copy, of Miss Richie’s novel. “Bilateral and unilateral slashes have invested the pages,” he said. “I’m pleased to say the copy is readable.” Mr. Howard deplored the incident. “Not to cast aspersions but our collective bosoms are heaving with relief.” ( Ed. Note: Often in forensic science the nominal use of metaphorical hyperbole seems inevitable. It is a regrettable byproduct of the profession, and journalistic integrity requires this graphic reportage.) Nigel Newton Reporting.
Postscriptum: Bosom may be plural even as a singular. Collective bosom must be singular despite its pluralistic overtones. Nigel Newton, Staff Reporter, Often Sent on Pointless Errands by the Managing Editor.