At a Factory Outlet Mall The Earl is Beseiged by Fans
Dateline: Redding or Red Bluff. On a windy Wednesday in this northern California community an authentic Earl was mobbed as he shopped at the factory outlet mall in the shadow of Mount Shasta. Wendy Rice-Davies, a sales supervisor at TJ Maxx, described the scene: “The store wasn’t that busy. I’d sent Rogers and Hart on their break. Then, he came in. They told me he was bad, but I thought he was sad. That’s why I fell for the Earl and his pack.”
Artie Shaw, a local shopper, saw things this way: “The joint was rockin, going round and round, yeah, reelin’ and a rockin’, what a crazy sound. They wouldn’t stop rocking till the Earl came down.”
Significant Police Presence: Chief Alonso of the Red Bluff Barracks commented, “Someone left a cake out in the rain…my men were investigating, visibilty was poor, and that’s when we heard that highway sound… Cadillac doing about ninety five…caught that Volvo at the top of the hill.”
Mall officials admit that the Musak was malfunctioning at the time. “Not Fade Away is not on our playlist,” admitted spokesperson Geo Thorogood. “Although it’s a good song. We had Theme from a Summer Place on a continuous loop for crowd control purposes.”
Near Riot Conditions: “The Earl bought several items at Mikasa…he may have been Christmas shopping. It was Blue Hawaii Day at the mall. I thought he was an Elvis impersonator after he said, ‘but I’ll have a blue, blue, blue Christmas.’
A spokesman for the Governor’s office in Sacramento declined comment, however, F. Howard Thunder of Homeland Security appeared to lip synch “My Boyfriend’s Back.” Mr. Thunder seemed to emphasize the phrase ‘you’re a big man now, but he’ll cut you down to size.’ He was backed up by a CHP chorale and members of Roseville SWAT.
Eddie of Eddie’s Book Nook commented, “We’ve had Bill Vollman, Tess Gerritsen, Lindsey Wagner, but never an Earl. We can’t keep Voltaire’s Miasma in stock.”