David Thayer

Corte Madera, California: this sleepy suburb of San Francisco is bracing for the arrival of the Earl of Watership Down, according to reliable sources inside the Marin County Sheriff’s Department. BBC correspondent Ziggy Stardust reports from nearby Alcatraz: “a low fog has settled over fabled San Francisco Bay, a brisk wind, west southwest at 12 knots, with gusts to 21 knots is complicating preparations aboard the Alcatraz ferry. Golden Gate Transit officials report hiring a fellow named Bill as extra security in anticipation of the Earl’s whirlwind itinerary. I spoke with Bill moments ago while he donned his security windbreaker: “Other than seals and smokers, the waterfront is calm,” Bill reported. The City has banned smoking along its pristine waterfront while remaning stoic about the seals. “If a seal makes a break for Marina Green, my orders are clear,” Bill said. “I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

North of the Golden Gate, Book Passages employees are excited. “We’re giving Voltaire’s Miasma front table treatment,” said one, “I laughed, I cried, I stayed up past my bedtime. The author photo was especially hypnotic.”

F. Howard Thunder, Regional Coordinator for Homeland Security, denied reports that a Seal team had been deployed. “The Earl is on our radar,” he said. “Thanksgiving? There’s no holiday for me or my staff.”

US and British authorities are conferencing in Washington and London regarding the Earl’s impromptu book tour. Vice President Dick Cheney favors swift action. “Let’s deport him,” a Cheney aide remarked, “This is hurting sales for Scooter.” The State Department is urging caution: “Proper channels must be preserved with an eye toward equanimity, another eye toward the Special Relationship, a third eye, if such a thing exists, must be trained inward without resorting to precipitous and regrettable bursts of activity.”

For now, aides to Condi Rice report that “The Secretary of State is not reading Voltaire’s Miasma. She is, of course, keenly interested in the earl’s erratic progression across the western US.” Inside the Beltway, opinion is divided: “It’s a political football. We’re on the five yard line. It’s fourth and ten. The ball is in his court.” And, finally, “this is the seventh inning stretch.”

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 at 9:53 am and is filed under Ripped from Headlines Still Oozing Ink. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.