Product Placement Scandal: Voltaire, Coors Lite, Lord Byron Drove a Volvo
Capitola, California, Special to the Druidical & Literary. Roger Ramjet reporting. ( Portions of the text were transcribed by Heather Frothingmunster, Wellington Leg’s sole extant teenager, via cellular telephone.) During a photo op this breezy morning the Forty Third Earl confessed to the mention of commercial products within the pages of his bestseller, Voltaire’s Miasma. The burgeoning scandal was ignited when the Earl, surfing off the Monterey coast, reported an attack by a great white shark during an impromptu press conference. According to the earl, the shark was the size of a mid range Volvo, not the wagon, surely, more of a sedan, with rows of White Teeth. The earl was ‘considering the lobster’ when the prehistoric creature in question bumped his board. The earl who was preparing at that moment to ’shoot the curl,’ smote the shark on its snout.
“The beaches are open,” said local mayor Gardner Luftballonen. “I think the earl and his publicist Lars Kierkegaard have seized an opportunity to create buzz in Monterey County.”
Nevertheless, the earl offered members of the legitimate press the opportunity to examine his board. Large incisions were visible but shockingly the words ‘Lord Byron drove a Volvo’ were also visible on the board’s surface. When confronted by this reporter, the earl remarked, “Voltaire was known to kick it with a Coors Lite.”
“Product placement is a reality,” said Ueber Agent and Hollywood Personality Tracie Culpepper. “The earl is sexy, he’s happening, he’s now. He has a business background. He’s a buzz machine.”
From where I’m standing, Heather, hard by the strand, flecks of foam are in contact with my shoes. Although the risks of another attack are significant, and the wind is ruffling my hair, it is my duty as a journalist…Heather? Oh, for God’s sake.