Trampled Underfoot
The High Privy Council, after an emergency session, authorised the Hogs Unwelcome sign requested by DCI Borchardt. The vote was not unanimous, according to sources inside the Lord Chamberlain’s office. “Two dissenters emerged. The Earl, voting by Proxy, delivered a 4000 word essay read aloud by local thespian Edmond Glasgow. Glasgow is famous for his work as a steward aboard the MV Ballard Princess, currently making steam for the port of San Francisco. The speech influenced Sir Reginald ‘Mr. October’ Jackson, who remarked, “it is rare to hear such eloquence in a confined space without benefit of the corporeal source of such verbiage. Wellington Leg and its satellite Henley Hornbrook should not be cluttered with signage.”
The Earl’s most effective argument against the sign was the point that his hogs, while admirable creatures, do not read signs of any kind. “Certain lanes and pathways are marked with warnings intended for jackrabbits; however dire the intent, I fear it is lost on these wilde beasts.”
DCI Borchardt, replendent in a medium weight marino wool cardigan, purchased at the Black Friday sale at Mrs. Henn’s High Street Emporium, pointed out the obvious: “the designated sign will include the image of a hog, encircled in red with the traditional bisecting line through its circumference. Ignorance of the language is no excuse as Mrs. Anderson-Cooper, QC, QVC, PVC, has enshrined in her Directive Number Seventy issued a scant decade ago.”
Signmakers Chad and Jeremy of Fairingclouth Road have received the commission. They have field tested two designs with encouraging results. In one case, a swift moving passel of pigs ‘altered course when confronted with our test model.’ The hog leader signaled to other members of the group by means of grunts and ear movements.’ In the second case Chad, the senior man, was trampled underfoot. “We believe the sign was facing the wrong direction,” Chad said. “And, it was the dinner hour.”
To facilitate placement of the new sign a small hole will be dug. An environmental impact assessment from a leading construction and engineering firm indicated ‘the hole will be deep enough to bear the weight of the stanchion, its base, and the sign itself. Attendant noise and confusion during the dig is probably unavoidable.’ The Privy Council will open sealed bids in the matter of the hole as soon as practicable. Local rabbits have dug several ‘unauthorised holes’ in the area, complicating matters for city engineers, despite existing signage forbidding the digging of ‘trenches, pits, etcetera,’ that grace the single carriageway.