Mystery Solved: The Earl Fell Victim to Abalone Attack
Dateline, Monterey, California: Exclusive to the BBC Underwater Service, Fiona Rice-Davies reporting: A spokesperson for Her Most Catholic Majesty, Ruler of the Californias, has confirmed that the recent incident involving the Earl of Watership Down ‘did not involve the sea creature known as The Great White Shark. It is now believed by Science that the Earl encountered an abalone whilst surfing near Capitola. A stunned abalone was pulled from Monterey Bay by alert members of AARP shortly after dawn yesterday.’
The abalone was a Red, nearly ten inches in length. Not regarded as ferocious, most abalone are content to traffic amongst themselves in tidal shallows. It is curious, then, that this gastropoda, normally content with plankton, would assail the Earl for the purposes of sustenance.
Lars Kierkegaard, Publicist of Gloom, issued a statement on behalf of the Earl: “I think we can agree to disagree. To single out an individual abalone…is unfair both to the abalone and the pursuit of the truth.”
As regular readers are aware, The Earl is en route to Los Angeles accompanied by an entourage of reporters, handlers, and Volvo afficianados. He is, of course, facing summary execution at the Tower of London provided that the Spanish fleet depart forthwith from the Irish Sea. One wonders if this contretemps will cause Her Majesty to withdraw her support of the Earl, leaving him to the wrath of Prosecutrix Mrs. Anderson-Cooper, QC. The issue of corporate sponsorship of the Earl’s beheading is causing controversy among those opposed to privatisation, ironic in light of the Earl’s frequent essays on behalf of the free market economy. Fiona Rice-Davies reporting.
October 18th, 2006 at 1:09 am
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