The Material Earl Redux
Dear Earl, People in my critique group roll their eyes and make faces when it’s my turn to read. One man coughs repreatedly. Is he doing that on purpose? Theo ‘Bull’ Mason Fort Worth, Texas.
Dear Bull, Not everyone is adept at these complex interactions. In my group, Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe will yawn at a strategic moment…perhaps during the famous car chase scene in Voltaire’s Miasma, a passage so thrilling that the uninitiated will cry …Voltaire, watch out! You see, Bull, Voltaire doesn’t know how to operate a motor vehicle, whereas his nemesis, Viscount Arnold, trained at Nurburgring. That’s the tension and for many it’s unbearable. Hang out there Bull!
Dear Earl, Is it true that Brad Pitt wants to be Voltaire? Will you write the screenplay? Sincerely, Graf von Hohenzollern, Reseda, California.
Zehr Geehrte Graf! There have been meetings. Only yesterday Lars replaced a fuel pump on the Volvo to the Stars. His consultant, Murray, suggested a rebuilt pump as opposed to a new one. Murray’s cousin Artie wrote coverage which was hand delivered to Sandra Bullock’s college roommate who loved the heft of the story. I’ve written a treatment including a few drawings and camera angle suggestions as well as notations such as INT and EXT. Those are essential. Our current school of thought is to let Brad approach us; this enhances our enforced hiatus here in the High Desert as we await delivery of the timing belt. My kingdom for a fuel injector…
Dear Earl, I bought your book at Eddie’s Book Nook in Red Bluff. Where can I get my money back? Roberta Nixon, Ashland, Oregon.
Dear Roberta, Sadly, my publisher, Wellington Leg Vanity Press, is reluctant to accept returns. This may seem harsh or unfair, but there are no exceptions due to regulations issued in the Isle of Mann. You may write a letter to Urquhart Depew, care of Fenway Park, Boston, Mass. I fear, however, that Depew may feel his hands are tied in this matter, figuratively of course, and that all sales are final. With the holidays approaching, you might consider presenting Voltaire’s Miasma to a loved one. YHS, The Earl.