Unable to Read Maureen Dowd, The Earl Flies Home
Dateline Wellington Leg: Olivia Earthwindandfire reporting: “The frost has barely melted here at Wellington Leg International Airport. The famed north south runway is festooned with banners; it appears the entire First Cohort of the Valeria Victrix is on hand to welcome the Earl as his Saab Viggen fighter rolls to a halt. Airport manager Italo Calvino is with me…Mr. Calvino is this the most exciting day of your life?”
“That would be my first sexual encounter, Olivia, strange as it might seem. I remember stealing away with Annunciata De Medici to the ramparts of her father’s castle…”
“You became lovers?”
“We kissed. Her lush lips brushed mine in hasty ecstasy…”
“Hasty?”
“We were pursued by palace agents. I hurried away while Annunciata reapplied her makeup. Such a moment…when the heart swells…the air is sweetened with a heavenly perfume, the soul is bared, Olivia.”
“Do you think that Mrs. Anderson-Cooper will proceed to behead the Earl?”
“Who can say? If he is to be torn from our bosom…”
“Maureen Dowd inspired the Earl to face execution. Is she in the crowd today?”
“Her publicist is here. He awaits a sound bite…”
“The cohort’s heralds are blowing their trumpets . This is quite a sight, six hundred men marching in formation, their voices raised in song…the Earl has lifted the canopy and his scrambling out of the fighter, no, wait, he’s fallen under the wing…oh God, no, he’s all right, he’s waving! An Imperial Legate is approaching on a motorized golf cart. He’s offering the Earl the keys to the city! This Olivia Earthwindandfire reporting.”