David Thayer

Special to The Druidical & Literary Television Service: your reporter Olivia Earthwindandfire. A peaceful Christmas morning in Wellington Leg came acropper when Costco employee Jeremy Erskine staggered into police headquarters in nearby Goth to report the theft of one thousand James Patterson novels from the Costco ’superstore’ in the neighboring village of Hippo Regius. Mr. Erskine was treated for minor injuries by a jury of literary scholars stranded for the holiday by the closure of the dual carriageway. Once patched up Mr. Erskine was delivered by van to Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe’s pied a terre in Glastonberry Square. To no one’s surprise, DCI Borchardt grilled the young man for several hours before releasing an Official Press Release.

“It appears that elements of the X Augusta and Valeria Victrix legions launched a combined arms assault on Costco at dawn this morning. We’ve anticipated this for some time. There is no cause for general alarm. A great many James Patterson novels were stolen along with a large quantity of Peanut M&Ms. It is noteworthy that large bags of plain M&Ms survived the attack. Police units occupied with extracting The Earl from his chimney were slow to respond; we can only lay the blame squarely on the Earl’s doorstep as he has been warned previously about masquerading as Santa Claus.”

“The loss of the Patterson titles is inestimable,” said Professor Sedgwick Thyssen-Huette. “If the Roman legionaries manage to decipher Patterson’s prose, the space time continuum may be adversely impacted.”

Efforts to release the Earl are on hold according to City Manager Eugenia Bolton. “Wellington Leg deserves better,” she said. Ms. Bolton is bitter about the closure of the dual carriageway. “We all know who was racing shopping carts on the principal highway. Only the spirit of Christmas prevents me from naming names.”

Dogsbody Urquhart Depew is spearheading efforts to find an extension ladder. “Plan A was to go to Costco,” he said. “I’m lucky to be alive.”

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 25th, 2005 at 11:00 am and is filed under Ripped from Headlines Still Oozing Ink. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.