Otto Von Bismarck Takes the Reins
Dateline: Schloss Stuermunddrang, Geraldo Riviera reporting: Frustration over the direction of the Roman invasion has resulted in decrees being issued, to wit: Graf von Bismarck announced that Monterey has fallen under seige. The land between Big Sur to the south and Mendocino to the north will be ceded to Gaius Septimus Troianus, commander of the XV Gemina Legion and Roman forces in the Californias.
“California is a blue state,” noted spokesperson Skippy. “We don’t have the resources to defend all the territory out there. Hollywood and Santa Barbara remain under our control.”
Ann Coulter noted that Skippy is probably the victim of liberal media witchhunt: “He doesn’t need California, Oregon, or Washington. I hope Graf Otto kicks some liberal ass before this is over.”
Rumours persist that Her Most Catholic Majesty will send her armada if Wellington Leg falls to the Romans. Her trust in the Earl may be misplaced; long time residents still recall how he cowered in a barn when Ms. Coulter came to town. “He’s totally afraid of her,” noted Heather DeMedici, honor student and intern at the Literary & Druidical. “We’re all scared of her.”
With the Earl unable to locate an extension ladder, and skirmishers from the Valeria Victrix riding in advance of the baggage train, local residents believe it is only a matter of time. “I’m brushing up on my Latin,” said Vicar Pilsen Hausingbubble. “First it was the inverted yield curve, now this. Monetary policy alone is not going to beat back the Romans.”
Confronting a probable ban on facial hair, this is Geraldo Riviera reporting.