Portions of the Earl’s Memoir Under New Scrutiny
Wellington Leg: Exclusive to the Druidical & Literary: Marcel ‘Boom-Boom’ Proust reporting: Life has taken a new twist for the Earl; on the eve of establishing an unofficial world record for consecutive days in a chimney ( 27) reports are circulating that his memoir Drugs Sex Profiteroles contains fabrications. The yet to be published manuscript is in the possession of Wilfredo Tagesblatt, a shadowy figure thought to be involved in the illegal grouse hunting scandal that rocked the nation last fall. Certain sections of the manuscript have been delivered to these offices wrapped in the distinctive pink tissue paper so familiar at local crime scenes.
Consider this excerpt: when I saw her across the street I took my eyes off the road, although what they were doing on the road is beyond me, when all of a sudden I rear-ended Constable, the cop, not the painter, really smacking the fat ass slob with my Mini. Constable called for Backup, so I backed up striking the twelve cylinder Jag owned by Mrs. Constable, interrupting what I took to be a Constable family meeting about her dog Bass, up for grabs in a property settlement battle. I oughta know: I kidnapped Bass and fed him store bought dog food.
We’ve learned that Mrs. Constable owns neither a twelve cylinder Jag nor a dog. A spokesman for the earl declined comment.