The Earl Named as Yankee Opening Day Starter
Dateline: Uncle Bob’s Ribshack: The New York Yankees have named the Earl as their opening day starter. “He passed the other guys in the rotation,” Manager Joe Torre said. “The guy can flat bring it.”
The Earl was a non-roster invitee when spring training began. His six inning stint against Houston locked up a spot at the top of the Yankee staff. “He reminds me a lot of Vladimir Nabokov,” said one Astros scout. “With all those different arm angles it’s tough for lefties to pick up his release point.”
The Earl fanned the side in the B game against Atlanta by pitching the entire inning from second base. “He doesn’t even have an agent,” noted GM Brian Cashman. “We got him cheap.” Some expressed concern that the earl has never pitched above A level; he won twenty games for the Wellington Leg Gastropods in the Steinbeck League last summer. “That’s a coed league,” noted Cashman. “A Mrs. Frothingmunster went yard off the earl when we scouted him.”
Some of his teammates are reading Voltaire’s Miasma. Derek Jeter was quick to point that infield signs are now in French. “He’s a ground ball pitcher, so I have to be on my toes.” “I can’t touch the guy,” said Jason Giambi. “He was bringing gas.”
The earl was struck by a line drive in the bullpen where he was reading Denise Mina’s Garnethill trilogy. Fortunately he was wearing the full regalia of a Roman centurion and the ball glanced off his helmet. “Quad erat demonstratum,” noted bullpen coach Norm Mailer. “These guys have got to wear their headgear at all times.”