David Thayer

For many in the publishing business their worst fears were realized when a slush pile developed artificial intelligence, took human form, and escaped the minimum security mailroom beneath the Time-Warner building in New York. “I sent it to Starbucks” said one executive. “It…spoke to me.”

The danger now is that the slushpile has the current street addresses of many publishers as well as keys to several mailrooms. “It may be wearing the uniform of a service provider,” said Holzbrinck chief of security Lord Archer. “We’ve notified the New York police.”

Here is a current description of the slush pile: it has taken on the identity of an unpublished writer named Herbert Gore Sassoon whose last known address is Pomegranate Shores Florida. Mr. Sassoon submitted his novel in 1969 and is considered the oldest living resident of the SP. When reached for comment Mr. Sassoon admitted “it doesn’t look good and if it doesn’t look good, we don’t look good.” Police speculate that the slush pile is five feet nine with thinning white hair, loafers without socks enjoys That Seventies Show and is not afraid to cry. It may believe that Richard M. Nixon is president of the United States and police officials are concerned for the safety of the SP. “There’s a ton of postage in there somewhere,” Inspector George Mason warned.

Once the slush pile is apprehended, someone is going to have to read the submissions warned Time Warner Chairman Dick Parsons adding, “it ain’t me, babe.” Curiously the slush pile enjoys Sonny & Cher. A spokesman for Hachette Livre in France cautioned that if the slush pile makes its way to Paris, tours of the Louvre will be suspended. Geraldo French Riviera reporting.

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