Wellington Leg. Mandi Rice-Davies reporting. Although he hasn’t lifted a tennis racket in years the Earl of Watership Down is the favorite to capture the men’s tournament at Wimbledon in June. A combination of poor weather and a light publishing schedule have created what organizers believe is the perfect storm. “He may win Ascot as well,” said one resigned observer. “He’s lost three pounds this month.”
Urquhart Depew was skeptical. “He’s an overweight middle-aged man with bursitis. He didn’t qualify for the tournament at Henley Hornbrook last month. In my opinion the earl is washed up.”
Indeed DCI Borchardt, fresh from his triumph in the My Sharona imbroglio agrees: “He entered the Hornbrook tournament by proxy and won the children’s division. A lot of kids were disappointed.”
Many are concerned that his recent fall from a rhododendron bush will complicate his training. “The Yankees looked at him and didn’t like what they saw,” said one major league scout. “Why was he on Fiji in the first place?”
Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, chair of the clay courts and the Wellington Leg High Commission, author of Her Lyrical Poetry, agrees that the earl is a menace to the towne’s tranquility. “We’ve had Voltaire’s Miasma removed from local shelves. This is to protect our children from the notion that French philosophers are in any way superior to our local ones.”
Nine year old Timmy of Goth is grateful. “I thought French philosophers were superior to our local ones,” he said echoing the towne’s fears. His book report on Her Lyrical Poetry earned Timmy the coveted Gold Star at Attila the Hun Primary School. Headmaster Gareth Fierabend supports the ban of the earl’s works. “No one here believes that the Musak malfunction was anything less than sabotage.”
City engineers are restoring background music as quickly as possible. “What has this to do with Wimbledon?” asked Mrs. Frothingmunster. “Or Literature with a capital L?” Mandi Rice-Davies reporting.