Crime Report for Friday
A summary of police activity in Wellington Leg, Goth, and environs for the week ending June 9, 2006. The Crime Report is sponsored by The Earl’s Own Green Stuff, an Elixir. To achieve literary success today you need an edge. Nothing will make you edgier than Green Stuff, an Elixir.
A man wearing a Dick Cheney mask frightened passersby on the Boulevard of Broken Screens late Tuesday night. That same evening Vandals sacked the sleepy village of Hippo Regius for the second time this month. “There is a connection,” said DCI Borchardt. Police caution pedestrians not to engage the fake vice president in conversation. The perpetrator is thought to be wearing feather armor and considerable quantities of Aqua Velva.
Upper Hand Strasse was evacuated early Wednesday after “I Got You Babe” was heard from the interior of a lime green AMC Hornet illegally parked beneath the monument to Hizzoner on Brick Lane. Mayoral candidate Franklin “Frankie Pins” Pincermovement was shaken up after his Volvo Juggernaut struck the Hornet. Next Tuesday’s runoff election will proceed according to sources inside Tammany Hall. “A lot of dead people will be disappointed if the election is postponed,” said a spokesperson for the mayor.
Police responded to a complaint filed by Ms. Lydia Careerbreaker of Gosford Park after she reported receipt of an unsolicited query letter. CSI Dante Rosetti steamed the query letter open with a Smythe Steamer before being rushed to the lab. CSI Rosetti may have been exposed to dreadful prose according to the Prosecutrix, Mrs. Anderson-Cooper. “His report is full of dangling modifiers,” she added.
Finally a SWAT unit was dispatched to the Pre-Raphaelite Bar and Grill after a fight broke out between modernists and naturalists. The war of words degenerated into a shoving match according to Eyewitness Mrs. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi. “They can’t hold their liquor,” she said.
SWAT officers removed a jukebox from the premises but were unable to prevent a recurrence of “I Got You, Babe.” None of the officers had any change according to a source at headquarters. The jukebox was tossed into the Bay of Biscay where the Spanish fleet lay at anchor. The armada withdrew shortly after midnight, probably fearing incipient madness among their troops. Honore de Balzac reporting.