On the Crime Beat
Special to Weekend Edition of the Druidical & Literary: these stories while based on fact, are not based on facts relevant to the stories but rather other facts such as the exact height of the Colossus at Rhodes. Your reporter, armed only with a thesaurus and a primitive map of the New World, can only speculate as to how these facts may influence the course of human events. Call it budget cuts, call it shoddy journalism, these stories are sponsored by Bill’s House of Cars on the Romantic Road. Need a car? Bill’s Pledge to You: Your credit history is not a problem at Bill’s House of Cars. Free loaners for life. Tell Bill the exact height of the Colossus at Rhodes and win a chamois! Here now the news:
Judges from the Court of Public Opinion were arrested in a dawn raid by members of the Flying Squad. Acting on an anonymous tip police and paramilitary units from Fort Santorum assaulted the residence of Judge Crater. Several of the jurists were discovered in the neighboring village of Flagrante Delicto according to witnesses. A crate of Richard Cheney masks were confiscated along with a quantity of knockoff French Perfumes. “The smell was terrible,” reported Mrs. Jolie of Portobello Court in Goth. Barrels of watered down Chanel fragrances floated ashore near the estuary late Saturday night. “Red abalone beached themselves,” said DCI Borchardt. “We’ve nipped this smuggling ring in the bud.”
Suspicion fell on the Earl whose high street emporium The Nose Knows has violated anti-witchcraft ordnances. Mrs. Anderson-Cooper, Prosecutrix, interviewed in a hot air balloon, believes that the master of MV Longueduc conspired with the earl to flood the market with cheap perfume. “This is a scene from Voltaire’s Miasma,” she claimed, referring to the earl’s self-published potboiler wherein a philosopher turns to piracy. “They’re guilty of barratry.”
Counsel for the Defense Mr. Putts reminded everyone that the earl was in possession of a “Letter of the mart” signed by the Dowager Princess. “He is an authorized buccaneer.” Opening arguments will be presented in a alphabetical order according to Judge Crater. “There will be order in the court,” he vowed.