In a surprise move early Sunday the mayor of Seattle and the City Council agreed to surrender to the commander of Roman forces. The brief ceremony, held in a Belltown condo, ended weeks of fighting. The Romans launched a multi-pronged assault on the city from their bases on Vancouver Island. Three legions came ashore under cover of darkness, according to eyewitnesses. “It was over before it started,” said Elliot Bey a crane operator. “Alki and Ballard were the last holdouts.”
Indeed the battle for Alki Beach nearly broke the invasion when a team of bikini clad volleyball players greeted the Mars Victor Legion as it stormed ashore. “The Romans broke ranks,” said Professor Moriarity. “They flirted with disaster.” The battle for Ballard ended when Goth forces suffered the loss of their 1984 Volvo 240D stationwagon. With Ballard’s defenses breached the invaders captured the fish ladder and a bakery on Market Street. By noon Sunday it was over.
Roman infantrymen were seen visiting Pike Place Market where lancers from the Decima Claudia Legion speared fish to the applause of tourists. They visited the Jimi Hendrix Museum. At his Belltown headquarters the commander of the Mars Victor Legion watched reruns of “Fraser.” “They’re beginning to understand us,” said the Professor.
The fall of Seattle leaves Portland exposed said Admiral Howe. Units from the Decima Claudia have begun to throw bridges across the Columbia River. Seattle’s new name will be Castra Livia Regina Invicta according to the mayor. “It’s catchy,” he said. The Mariners, in contention in the AL West, will be provided new caps with CLRI and SPQR logos. “I guess we’re the Castra Livia Regina Invicta Mariners now,” said a spokesperson. “Either way, we’ve got to beat the Padres.”
Goth and Ostrogoth commanders believe their Volvo is “beyond repair.” With mobility limited they expressed doubt as to whether an effective counterattack could be launched. Geraldo reporting.