Fireworks: The Seige of Wellington Leg
Dateline: Pine Barrens, Fifteen Miles from Wellington Leg: With a skeleton crew working this holiday the Druidical & Literary Annual Picnic will be held in Gosford Park near milemarker 33 off the Trees of Mystery Boulevard. Staff and their families will be the guests of publisher Oliver Castinstone who, in a holiday memorandum, praised the D&L’s owner The Vast Corporation and their Chairman Sir Bigby Vast and his ne’erdowell children Roland and Drusiila. “Without these patrons the D&L would be forced to accept product advertisements compromising journalistic integrity, muddying the waters, and blurring the lines between hard news and frivolous commercialism.”
Sir Bigby praised the recent coverage of the Roman invasion. “Both Roland and Drusilla are riveted by the ongoing saga of the seige of Wellington Leg. Roman forces in the region represent a demographic poorly served by Wellington Leg’s existing shoppes and emporia. To that end we have purchased land on the Isle of Mitch, with a view toward building a Super Mall anchored by a nine hundred thousand square foot bookstore and casino to be named Gamble Tome.”
Local merchants have put signs in their windows that read: “We do not accept lumps of silver.” Other signs of warning include: “No chain mail, no helmet, no service.” Indeed, added Sir Bigby, the commander of the Valeria Victrix has complained that, “My men are discouraged from spending their pay in Wellington Leg.”
Mrs. Anderson-Cooper, Prosecutrix, echoed Sir Bigby’s concerns. “Without a Super Mall the entire region is suffering. I am sending forth sheriffs from the Tower to enforce holiday shopping regulations and to bring the consumer an array of choices hitherto unthinkable.”
Employees of the D&L and their loved ones will receive one free beer “as an honorarium,” said Sir Bigby. Toddlers and babies will be presented Sir Bigby dolls in lieu of beer. DCI Borchardt urges everyone not to throw their bottles from moving cars. His Sir Bigby doll was stolen from police headquarters. “Return the doll,” Borchardt said. “No questions asked.” Shoppes on Visigoth Street will open at noon. Large quantities of turnips had blocked traffic, but city engineers have piled the vegetables near the statue of Venus in Blue Jeans. The earl’s hogs had pushed the turnips “several dozen yards” creating a hazard according to Borchardt. “The hogs fled…an indicator of their guilt in this matter,” he added. Bobby G reporting from Stairwell C.