Opening Ceremonies: Courtroom Drama
Catherine of Aragon reporting for Full Court Press TV: Here in quaint Wellington Leg the courtroom is packed this sweltering summer day for the trial of the century. With me is veteran reporter HC Mackerel: “HC what should we expect today?”
“Justice Frist likes to make a grand entrance. Wait, Catherine, the houselights are dimming. Here comes Biff the Bailiff. To my left is the Johnny Mancuso Orchestra…let’s hear what Biff is saying.”
“Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Hall of Justice. Before I introduce His Honor, let me remind you that throwing things from the Peasants’ Gallery is okay as long as it’s biodegradable. We’ve got a heck of a show today…let’s bring those lights all the way down, throw that spotlight on the judge’s door. You’ve seen him win the annual golf tournament four years running…you’ve seen him at Vegas night at the Senior Center. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Right Honorable Hamilcar Frist…”
Catharine: “Is the band playing “Love Train?”
HC: “It’s the judge’s signature tune, Catherine. Look, he’s high fiving the prospective jurors, mugging with Prosecutor Gonads. This guy can work a room, Catherine.”
“Can he do this? Look, he’s making faces at defense counsel Frankie Pins. This seems awfully prejudicial.”
“He owes Frankie money. Hey, the judge wants everyone to get up and dance. This is my favorite part of the trial, Catherine, where we all form a big strong line…”
“The Locomotion?”
“Jump up, jump back. I think you’ve got the knack..”
“There goes the jury pool…I really don’t think we should join in, HC. Wow, Biff the Bailiff is dancing on the railing. I notice Judge Frist is wearing a rainbow-colored wig. Isn’t that unusual?”
“It was a gift from Ronald McDonald.”
“This is Catharine of Aragon describing the opening scenes of the Trial of the Century. We’re snaking out the front door into the hallway…oh, the prospective jurors have opened a case of Budweiser. Judge Hamilcar Frist is moon walking…this is very irregular. Cut the feed. Back to the studio.”
“Are we still live? Are cameras in the courtroom a good idea? Should people on jury duty be given beer? Oh My God they’re doing the wave…”