David Thayer

With the earl in custody Wellington Leg officials are debating the future of the I HAVE SEEN THE EARL ESSAY CONTEST. Thus far four hundred and thirty bona fide entries have arrived at the Praesidium. WPC Mavis Davis-Gavus has taken charge of the essays, each one carefully labeled “essay” after the near disastrous incident with Wellington Leg Waste Management’s roving Recycle Squad. Davis-Gavus is herself a contestant although she is quick to point out that rather than seeing the earl during his interlude of freedom, she “imagined” the encounter during tai chi in Mad Hatter Park. “He was swathed in striped toothpaste,” she recalled. “I thought he looked sad.”

D.Rumsfeld, Proprietor of the Crutched Lynx on Great Balls of Fire Strasse, will judge the entries with the assistance of the Reading Auxiliary, a volunteer organization. Rumsfeld, faithful readers recall, is a promoter of Reading Under Water, a controversial method of appreciating literature. “The pages may be carried off by a rip tide,” warned Underwater Reader Professor Moriarity. “Indeed, the reader may be swept out to sea.” Beginners are urged to utilize a Fred Flintstone Pool and short stories. Professor Moriarity cautioned against reading the Earl’s work near bodies of water known for “tidal flux.”

Mrs. Bonita Beauregard owner of a vegan restaurant near Rittenhaus Circus has entered four essays since the earl’s incarceration.  Business has been brisk since the Decima Claudia Legion pitched camp nearby. Her soy and cornmeal confections are especially popular with the invaders. Good service is essential says she, otherwise, “Roman troops will throw javelins at the wait staff.”  Concetta Comedia della Arta reporting.

Mists of Mansfield: I think I’ve established a means of communicating with Marge. She is being held in the Artists Wing while I’m among the Commercial Representatives. Needless to say I had hoped to be classified as an artist; these decisions are so arbitrary. At any rate I’ve dug a trench with my spoon and fashioned an RSS feed from old shoelaces. The feed goes directly down the hall to the junction with the Great Flu. Hot air rises, of course, lifting all boats in this case. The authorities have no idea that a real time web log may be fashioned out of the discards of daily life; fortunately I took a class in designing RSS feeds from simple household materials.

Rather than a photo I’ve commissioned a Portrait ( Portrait of the Commercial Representative). Prior to my escape I had the presence of mind to purchase vast quantities of Silly Putty at the HRH J Mansfield Prison Store. The guards believe that I’m sculpting a likeness of Hizzoner when in fact I’m rebuilding the outer wall with the stuff. When the time comes I shall burst through the wall onto Threadneedle Alley. The major difficulty I foresee is the clanking sound I make whenever I hurry. Thus my encounter with Mister Macaroni and his accursed cellular phone which enabled him to make a call even though he wasn’t at home.

My portrait consists of two profile pieces and one face on, a tryptych I suppose. Joey “Two Hands” Vermeer is doing the work. Joey is serving time in the debtor section of this edifice. We’re thinking of having him illustrate this blog with a brooding depiction of your reporter or an exterior daytime montage of the prison. Ah wait, a note from Marge: Blog on, she writes. What a trouper.

From the Styles Section of the Goth Mystery Shopper: Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe here. As you know summer is waning, and I’m blogging today in lieu of what’s his name. It’s quite exciting to be the summer fill-in editor of this on-line news magazine. One suspects that when Autumn arrives a major shakeup will ensue: do stay tuned as I plan a bit of coup. For instance this ridculous emphasis on crime fiction must be reevaluated ( for the full text of my memoranda on the subject stop by the Henley Hornbrook branch of the library. Ask for Mr. Fortinbras.)

Of course, the literary news of the day is the incarceration of The Earl. More shocking, to some at any rate, is the arrest of Marge, the afternoon cashier at Eddie’s Book Nook. Marge is famous for her short novels with illustrations, so one must pose the question did Marge invent the graphic novel? As I understand it graphic novels are rather like comic books ( ! ). One shudders at the prospect of future generations spending their time reading such things. Thus I endorse Marge’s detention on the grounds of cultural realpolitik. There I’ve said it!

Vote for me: please send your cards and letters indicating your desire that I become Editor in Chief of this blog. Simply say I heart Prudentia on standard 8 by 11 good quality bond paper. Once I’ve taken charge, we will ignore The Earl and his ridiculous antics. Between us I can tell you that literary agents and other publishing professionals are reluctant to attend our Literary Faire for fear of an encounter with you know who. My research also indicates that there is no such thing as Lord Cornwallis Simple Syndication or LCSS. With your support we can attend to these matters, turn this great ship around and make steam for Google’s upper echelon. Thanking you in advance, I remain, Your Once and Future Editor in Chief.

Dateline: Foggy Bottom. Hizzoner Jimmy Stones has appointed Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, heiress and poet, to chair the newly formed Wellington Leg Literary Taste Society. The Society will police the literary tastes of the populace at the grass roots level where Audit Teams will be dispatched to the homes of those citizens suspected of writing. Chalfont-Smythe will serve as Arbiter and report to former IRS Administrator and Bon Vivant, Graf von Sitzbaedchen. “We will emulate various tax authorities and regulatory agencies such as the SEC,” the graf said in a prepared statement. “Our enforcement division will conduct raids on various critique groups and book clubs in effort to elevate readers’ consumption.” Heir to the Sitz bath fortune, the graf has dedicated much of his adult life to the eradication of poor taste.

Eddy of Eddy’s Book Nook, Wellington Leg’s preeminent indy bookstore, said he welcomes the scrutiny of the new agency. He has no plans, however, to withdraw his forty foot cardboard likeness of Dame Pamela Anderson from the roof of his establishment. His “Babes of Baywatch Reading Series” has been a big hit. “We’re getting a lot of surfers who want to read a book,” he said. Eddy has been experimenting with three page novels that feature plenty of pictures. “Marge Tolliver writes them during her coffee break,” Eddy said.

Indeed Marge was taken into custody in a dawn raid on her Italianate Revival Townhome constructed by Hizzoner’s brother-in-law, Vasco de Gama. Marge is detained at HRH J Mansfield Prison whose outer walls have been repaired. Faithful readers may recall that the prison sustained heavy damage during the earl’s “Big Bust Out” an event sponsored by Big Tobacco. “Marge is behind locked doors,” reported Mrs. Chalfont-Smythe, author of Her Lyrical Poetry. “Let this be a lesson to us all.”

DCI Borchardt reporting: With the earl once more confined it falls to me, Borchardt, to maintain this on line diary in real time. my plan is simple: I shall build my author platform to an enormous height and launch my writing career from that lofty perch. One can imagine the excitement burgeoning in cyberspace as I blog forth while the stat counter whirls like a dervish. Yes, I’ve been waiting in the wings for over a year while The Earl has blabbed on about his baseball career ( the highlight of which is upper calf strain), his ridiculous behavior around agents ( I adore you, Unknown Literary Agent. I vow never to swing from a chandelier in your direction, unlike some people.) Some of you have wondered whether Wellington Leg really is menaced by three Roman legions; no such magical realism shall sully these pages henceforth.

No, this blog has been a badly tuned paino pounded on by inept fingers. I shall call it ALL THINGS BORCHARDT. Let’s begin with my early childhood….low bat? Lord Cornwallis? Plug him into the wall…Oh, for heavens sake. My laptop is burning!

Wellington Leg, the 25th Ultimo: The renegade Earl was recaptured outside the Bowling Ruin multiplex in the Prince of Denmark Shopping Centre near Goth early this morning. Acting on a tip from embittered dogsbody Urquhart Depew, members of the Flying Squad seized the earl before he could enter the theater. “He wanted to see SNAKES ON A PLANE,” reported WPC Catherine of Aragon. “He was subdued by the cast and crew of A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM whose tour bus had broken down near the Ring Road. “The Earl was knocked unconscious by Helena and Lysander who, in a stroke of good fortune, were armed with whiffle ball bats,” said DCI Borchardt. Borchardt was posting a query letter when he heard the ruckus. “The Earl is in custody although costumed as Philostrate. It’s unclear as to whether the earl was in disguise or he believes that his thespian career is launched.”

Wellington Leg authorities are divided on the issue of arresting a character from Shakespeare. “Is he The Earl or is he Philostrate?” asked defense attorney Ethelred the Unready. “Why was it necessary to pummel him with bats?”

“Most exciting,” said theater manager Ed Lebowsky. “We intend to enforce the no candy from outside rule.” The earl was in possession of a Snickers bar whose provenance could not be established. A charge of smuggling candy into a multiplex will be appended, according to a spokeperson for the Prosecutrix. The Earl is being held at the Maximum Security B&B on Letter of the Mart Close. “Breakfast is included,” Borchardt said. “I’m all about fiscal responsibility.”

HRH J. Mansfield Prison: Here on the outskirts of Wellington Leg a team of forensic experts is examining the “hole in the wall” as it is called, the scene of The Earl’s daring predawn escape from the medieval fog shrouded edifice. Wellington Leg and Carthago Nova CSI members used lasers to outline the breach. Oddly enough, when viewed through special goggles, the gap in the prison’s outer wall resembles the Chrysler Building. “There is an Art Deco sensibility at work,” warned Senior CSI Sid Viscous. “People are not shaped like the Chrysler Building.” To demonstrate his theory Doctor Viscous used a cardboard replica of the Chrysler Building and passersby on Threadneedle Alley were asked to stand next to the replica while being sprayed with orange laminate. “None of the orange people could pass for a famous building,” concluded DCI Borchardt. The experiment was disturbed by the passing of several dozen hogs who “scurried through towne as though late for work.” Borchardt, whose crime novel WELLINGTON LEG CONFIDENTIAL is not available in stores, creating a soupcon of residual bitterness many feel is affecting his work, cautioned that, “citizens should be alert for anyone wearing prison garb, chains, iron restraints or go-go boots.” It should be noted that the wearing of Go-Go Boots has been illegal in the Leg since the debut of “Monday Afternoon Fever” some years ago.

D&L reporter Mandy Rice-Davies, imbedded with the forensics team, believes that the CSI team is heading down a blind alley. “The hole in the wall resembles a map of Denmark,” she said. CSI Polonius, slightly injured by a knife through a curtain, offered a darker view of the proceedings. “We found the word “gertrude’ carved into the cell wall that previously did contain The Earl.”

Indeed, a tattered copy of Aristotle’s POETICS was recovered from the cell. CSI Fortinbras suggested in an aside that the earl is mastering unity of plot. “His escape suggests a dawning in the east…the first break of light through the big hole in the wall.”

Citizens painted orange may file a claim with the city.

Wellington Leg: The quiet of a predawn shift change was shattered when the Earl of Watership Down, author and raconteur, escaped custody through a “gap” in the mighty walls of HRH Mansfield Prison officials admitted this morning. Warden Pico di Gallo, wearing a Boston Massacre 11 sweatshirt, reported the escape to Mrs. Anderson-Cooper, QC on the QT shortly after PT. The Prosecutrix, vibrant in a yellow slicker, said she was reading Albert Camus when word of the daring escape reached her. She ordered dozens of glazed donuts and threw a cordon around the neighborhood. “We will capture the earl,” she vowed. “Public safety demands it.”

Food critic Ildephonse Macaroni was driving home from the theater and had this to say: “I was westbound on the Boulevard of Broken Seams when I noticed a rotund fellow in chains hurrying along the sidewalk. I used my cellular telephone to summon police.” Mr. Macaroni was cited for cell phone use in a motor vehicle according to Deputy Chief Dick Cheney. “We smacked him around pretty good,” Dick said.

The north face of the prison suffered extensive damage in what is now being called The Big Bust Out although it isn’t clear why it’s so Big when only one man escaped. The Earl is wearing striped trousers with the word “prisoner” stitched into the seat. Gladys Rye of Alte Gasse is the seamstress who designed the garment: “One is alerted by the vertical piping and bold colors to the fact that the wearer, in this case The Earl, is an escapee.”

Prison official Donny Rumsfeld warned that the escaped prisoner may seek shelter among the towne’s population. “He may try to blend in. If you think you’ve seen The Earl, write an essay on the subject and submit it to: I HAVE SEEN THE EARL ESSAY CONTEST. Remember that your entry cannot exceed five hundred words. Type your name and email address on the bottom right corner of the face sheet.”

Thus far the only essay received is written in Latin. “It’s annoying,” admitted Hamilcar Frist. “We’re volunteers. No one said anything about reading Latin.”

Elections in the DR Congo took a turn yesterday when one candidate sent tanks and troops to the home of the first runner up in the hopes of blowing his brains out. The object of this attention was holed up with more than a dozen foreign ambassadors including MONUC officials from the UN. A runoff is scheduled for October and it should be noted that over 70% of eligible voters cast ballots. Joseph Kabila is in the lead: his father, Laurent, overthrew Joseph Mobutu several years ago. Laurent Kabila was assassinated after he refused to honor pledges to the troops who fought for independence, choosing to import soldiers from the Great Lakes Coalition as a palace guard. The DR Congo used to be called Zaire and before that, the Belgian Congo. This is the first free election since independence in 1963.

When Mobutu was overthrown troops from the provinces entered the capital, Kinshasa, their first trip to a modern city. They rode elevators up and down in the city’s hotels while Mobutu slipped across the Congo River to exile in the ROC, the Republic of Congo. Mobutu’s sons drove around collecting gambling debts that night before they too escaped. Mobutu pere made off with a few billion dollars in American aid money, funds we have never been able to locate. We want our money back. Consider it a refund.

Kdogos are boys forced into military service by various armed factions. They are rounded up in refugee camps and given weapons along with an amulet to signify their status. Needless to say the atmosphere in the Congo has been dangerous for women and girls with shifting groups of soldiers and militia controlling towns and villages. Weapons are modern and plentiful, unlike most things. Let’s hope this election brings the Congolese people some peace after more than a decade of institutional insanity.

Dateline Wellington Leg: Waltraut Frothingmunster, winner of this year’s Literary Faire, abruptly resigned her position as Postmistress, according to unnamed sources concealed in the ferns near Postal Headquarters. Speculation is rife that Mrs. F, with her prize money, and signed copy of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA, may be planning a second career, something far more tawdry than supervising the flow of query letters and postcards of regret that ebb and flow from towne.

DCI Borchardt, interviewed as he mailed several queries ( simultaneous queries) observed that “Waltraut has the ways and means to pursue her lifelong ambition…” Reading other people’s queries has lost its magic speculated Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe. “Her behavior is outrageous.”

Former D&L intern Heather DeMedici has been appointed by the Postal Authority on an interim basis. “She has yet to learn the basics of postal etiquette,” said an unnamed official. Ms. DeMedici was cited for failing to close her window when the line got long, a frequent issue with newer staff. “There is always an inflection point when taking a sudden break can infuriate the maximum number of customers,” a postal supervisor remarked. “She’ll be asked to read BLINK to develop that instinct for the moment.”

Query letters are piling up according to Wilfredo Tagesblatt VP of Development. “We receive hundreds every week.” His personalized stamp “je regret” has proven a popular novelty item. Proceeds from the sale of the stamps will go toward the purchase of a new BMW he said. “I’m ashamed to park in my designated spot,” he added. His lime green AMC Hornet was stolen last week, probably by Roman soldiers. “They can’t even drive,” DCI Borchardt noted. “This is especially cruel.”