Lloyds of London To Insure Earl’s Hands
Fenchurch Market: In a ceremony near the fresh produce stand beneath the British Rail Station, officials from Lloyds announced that the fabled exchange will insure The Earl’s Hands against Misadventure. The Policy, believed to be the first of its kind, shall be written upon pink cardboard whereupon the stamps of each syndicate shall be affixed. It would Indemnify the Assured in the event The Earl is unable to produce future work including Pot Boilers, Bodice Rippers, and other Popular Entertainments including, but not limited to, his Memoires. The Perile of Writers Block is addressed by Endosement Hereon, according to Lloyds Broker Roger Cole Newcastle. “The Policy is very broad. The reading public can rest assured that The Earl shall continue producing his work…such as it it.”
The opening line says it all: Whereas, we, certain Underwriters at Lloyds and London Companies, forced to stand in the drizzle amongst the Cauliflower, when we could be indoors, not that the New Building is in any way comfortable with its hideous exposed pipes, do undertake to Indemnify and Make Goode the Loss of his Wretched Prose against the Periles of the Sea, Upset, Collapse, Overturn, Sinking, Stranding, or Burning. Further, we undertake to Indemnify against the Blockade of Ideas known herein as Writers Block and to Critics as Cause for Celebration in the event that he, The Earl, shall experience Same. Monies shall be sped his way to his rooms on Crutched Friars, this city, by Hande or Poste or Motorized Conveyance should Calamity strike.
Prince Charles, unable to attend the ceremony, expressed his “Alarme at the thought this Policy fall into the Wrong Hands, thus denying Readers their Due in the sum of all parts.”
The ringing of the Lutine Bell following the Earl’s arrival was accidental, said Mr. Cole Newcastle. “There was jostling on the floor of the exchange…rumors that Dame Pamela had purchased Her Policy caused a stir.” Rocky Colavito reporting.