David Thayer

The Earl here, blogging from HRH J Mansfield Prison. I very much enjoyed my visit to Lloyds of London and Fenchurch Market. Now that I’m fully insured against Writers Block, I can relax and focus my attention on you, dear reader, and, of course, our beloved publishing industry. The heart soars even as the advice I extended in my Agony Column is finally coming to fruition: Baby Boomers, Who Needs ‘em? Apparently the publishing industry was playing close attention when I wrote, “Everyone is sick of baby boomers. Sure, they grew up reading, but now, they can’t even read the directions on aspirin bottles without consulting a Friend or Loved One. How many Boomers does it take to open an aspirin bottle? How can they be expected to wrangle an entire book?”

Prophetic words. The major publishers have heeded the call. They understand that the future lies with the young. They have may have jumped the gun by a decade or two, but they are greeting the future. Despite the Kaavya Viswanathan setback, I foresee a time when authors are forced into retirement at age twenty five. Like Tennis or Pop Music, we’re forever young!

In another thirty years most boomers will be dead. That’s not sexy. That’s yucky, man. And we’re not about yucky, are we?

The Earl’s Agony Column appears on alternating Saturdays in September. The opinions expressed by the earl are not the opinions of the Druidical & Literary: we think that Boomers are perfectly capable of reading a book if the print is of sufficient size. LIKE THIS.

Fenchurch Market: In a ceremony near the fresh produce stand beneath the British Rail Station, officials from Lloyds announced that the fabled exchange will insure The Earl’s Hands against Misadventure. The Policy, believed to be the first of its kind, shall be written upon pink cardboard whereupon the stamps of each syndicate shall be affixed. It would Indemnify the Assured in the event The Earl is unable to produce future work including Pot Boilers, Bodice Rippers, and other Popular Entertainments including, but not limited to, his Memoires. The Perile of Writers Block is addressed by Endosement Hereon, according to Lloyds Broker Roger Cole Newcastle. “The Policy is very broad. The reading public can rest assured that The Earl shall continue producing his work…such as it it.”

The opening line says it all: Whereas, we, certain Underwriters at Lloyds and London Companies, forced to stand in the drizzle amongst the Cauliflower, when we could be indoors, not that the New Building is in any way comfortable with its hideous exposed pipes, do undertake to Indemnify and Make Goode the Loss of his Wretched Prose against the Periles of the Sea, Upset, Collapse, Overturn, Sinking, Stranding, or Burning. Further, we undertake to Indemnify against the Blockade of Ideas known herein as Writers Block and to Critics as Cause for Celebration in the event that he, The Earl, shall experience Same. Monies shall be sped his way to his rooms on Crutched Friars, this city, by Hande or Poste or Motorized Conveyance should Calamity strike.

Prince Charles, unable to attend the ceremony, expressed his “Alarme at the thought this Policy fall into the Wrong Hands, thus denying Readers their Due in the sum of all parts.”

The ringing of the Lutine Bell following the Earl’s arrival was accidental, said Mr. Cole Newcastle. “There was jostling on the floor of the exchange…rumors that Dame Pamela had purchased Her Policy caused a stir.” Rocky Colavito reporting.