David Thayer

From the Wellington Leg Crime Blotter: The hedgerows that graced the perimeter of Mad Hatter Park have been recovered, according to Ursa Minor, a Major with the Wellington Leg Constabulary. Major Minor said she was pleased to report, “the purloined hedgerows have been found undamaged not far from the Earl’s stately home on AllegationsAgainstHimAreFalse Avenue. Thus he is our Prime Suspect.”

DCI Borchardt and the Flying Squad raided the earl’s abode early Saturday morning armed with Letters of Introduction. “We were shocked to find a hedgerow cutter concealed beneath a stack of manuscripts in the earl’s study. Upon reading said scripts, no easy task, we discovered a scene in Rimbaud in which young Arthur, exiled in Magna Graecia, cuts a hedgerow down with nail scissors.”

With the earl confined to HRH J Mansfield Prison, it’s difficult to say who will be held accountable for the hedgerow theft. The incriminating scene in Rimbaud may not be enough according to both Castor and Pollux: “Artistic license may be involved,” they cautioned. CSI Petronius noted the presence of Silly Putty on the hedgerows. “This does not occur in nature,” he said.

Wilfredo Tagesblatt, VP of Development, expressed the belief that the future of film making is once again imperiled: “We’re like taking a meeting and a bunch of bushes walk by. What’s that all about?” An Associate Producer remains hospitalized. He was writing coverage on the adaptation for Rimbaud when he suddenly wrote “hedgerow” in the margin. “This can’t be a coincidence” noted Oliver Castinstone. “It means something.”

Dateline: Lake Trasimere. This fog enshrouded resort between Wellington Leg and Middle Wallop Lagoon is famous for its reading beach. Some believe that the setting provided the inspiration for the Earl’s masterpeice VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA, hailed as unreadable by the Post-Intelligencer, and unputdownable by employees of the earl whose very livelihoods may have been at stake. In honor of his birthday Mrs. Frothingmunster will present a terra cotta sculpture of HRH J Mansfield Prison to the Earl on Visiting Friday.

Meanwhile, books worth mentioning are piling up. Favorites include: LIBERATION MOVEMENTS, Olen Steinhauer’s latest from SMP-Minotaur. Jason Starr’s hardcover debut LIGHTS OUT, also from SMP. With any luck the earl’s review of LIGHTS OUT will appear in JANUARY MAGAZINE prior to the release date of September 26th. He’s also read Kate Atkinson’s ONE GOOD TURN from Little, Brown, the follow-up to her excellent CASE HISTORIES. Viking is releasing Wiliam Brodrick’s GARDENS OF THE DEAD, featuring Father Anselm from THE SIXTH LAMENTATION. You must read these books at once or admission to Eddie’s Book Nook with cost you significant Volvo spare parts including brake pads and rotors.

Also worth mentioning: STILL AS DEATH by Sarah Stewart Taylor and FROZEN by Lindsay Jane Ashford. Thomas Lakeman’s THE SHADOW CATCHERS looks intriguing. All are September releases from SMP-Minotaur. The latest from Simon Kernick, A GOOD DAY TO DIE, as well as new books from William Tapply and Brendan DuBois are stacked near the framed photo of Henry James which graces the earl’s own telephony equipment and bird feeder. With a little effort you can have these read by Monday. No excuses, people.

Marge, the afternoon cashier, wants to mention Steve Hamilton’s A STOLEN SEASON. Steve’s Alex McKnight series is a favorite of Marge, who really should get her own blog from The Blog Depot on Gary Payton Place in Henley Hornbrook. Roman skirmishers notwithstanding, there’s plenty of free parking at the Blog Depot.

Cell Block Prinz Dietmar: I’ve crossed the wires near the HRH J Mansfield RSS feeder and thus am coming to you in real time once again. Being behind bars I must take care not to alert the guards to my blogging activities. With Marge at large, my sole remaining ally is Baron Holstein, who owes money to the Dowager Princess. Holstein is quite mad, believing himself to be Scooter Libby. It’s not clear how he came to such a pass; he spends his days adapting Bob Dylan songs for the tuba. Last night he played FROM A BUICK SIX until menaced into silence.

Depew, the embittered dogsbody turned traitor, dropped by to deliver a number of new releases although he failed, probably deliberately, to bring my French Horn. Holstein and I have written numerous letters to the Wellington Leg Intelligencer in the hopes of throwing light on the ghastly conditions here. Your reporter is still applying coats of Silly Putty to mighty walls of this edifice; it’s thirsty work, my friends, requiring nerves of steel. Through an oversight the guards delivered a jack hammer I’d ordered online: I hope this doesn’t seem to be too much of a deus ex machina in aid of my escape plans. They did, however, remove my shoes.

While the mad Holstein plays the tuba I jack hammer the walls. Oh, the dust! Luckily my wind machine, obtained in pieces through a catalogue, blows gales of the stuff through the ventilator shaft. The only exercise permitted are the fencing sessions on the roof. I was able to julienne a turnip with my sabre in the kitchen this morning; alas, all too brief an interlude! Ironies abound since it was the throwing of a turnip that landed me here in the first place. A bitter irony to be sure. Well, it looks as though curried figs are on the menu again. YHS, The Earl.

Terri Micene has a three book deal with Midnight Ink through Jessica Faust at Bookends. Her novel WILD GOOSE CHASE will be published in January 2008. Yes, this sounds vaguely like a Michael Cader entry on Publishers Marketplace and why not? Terri signed with Bookends last spring. You read it here. Then she attended the Book Passage Conference in Corte Madera and a scant two months ( and a second Boston Massacre later) she has joined the ranks of the published. Congratulations to Terri!

If anyone has Otto Penzler’s contact info, let me know. I’d like to drop him a note.

Special to the Druidical & Literary: Energy correspondent Marvelous Marv reporting: Yvgeny Smersh, director of Fatback Oil, reports a large field has been discovered near the Historic Rotunda in downtown Wellington Leg. Exploration in the Leg accelerated last year after geologists spotted the outline of a Tyrannosaurus Rex near Hizzoner’s reserved parking spot on Mincing Words Lane. The dinosaur did not die in Wellington Leg according to CSI Petronius. “The corpse of the T-Rex had been moved; we found a small caliber bullet wound in its brain pan. Someone shot the dinosaur at close range, probably from a moving car. They had a hamburger and onion rings a few hours earlier. We ran the tire treads through TRUD archives. It was Soviet era equipment.”

To exploit the find, most of Welington Leg and nearby Goth will be demolished. Citizens seeking compensation should contact Hizzoner’s satellite office at the Jimmy Stones Mall on Dopingscandal Boulevard. Checks will be drawn on Banco Boffo on the Isle of Wight. Contact Mrs. Warburton in care of Offshore LLC.

DCI Borchardt urges witnesses to come forward in the matter of the dinosaur shooting. “This is a crime of opportunity,” he said. Police would like to interview anyone who has seen a dinosaur and those residents who have consumed onion rings in the past few weeks. They are seeking the driver of T-72 main battle tank in connection with the incident. “The T-72 is obsolete,” Borchardt warned. “Someone is playing with fire.”

Wellington Leg: Here in the Greta Garbo Room of the Hotel Faz tables are arranged to allow literary agents to hear pitches at the Tenth Annual Wellington Leg Writers Conference. It was here yesterday afternoon that The Earl swung from a chandelier in the direction of Ueberagent Angelina Scones, considered to be the most powerful agent in the Publishing World. Ms. Scones, famous for her list, was listening to DCI Borchardt as he droned through the plot summary of WELLINGTON LEG CONFIDENTIAL. Borchardt had reached the point in his narrative where he scales the Tower to rescue Faire Olive utilizing her golden locks as an impromptu ladder: “It’s Rapunzel meets the Usual Suspects” said Borchardt. “Ms. Scones appeared mesmerized.”

The Earl was accompanied by Sheriffs and Bailiffs from HRH J Mansfield Prison. Facing charges of throwing a turnip at a Roman sentry, The Earl purchased “a pitch session” with Ms. Scones. Clutching the entire manuscript of Rimbaud he raced into the ballroom, climbed onto a vacant table and seized hold of the chandelier. “He sailed across the ballroom,” reported Heather DeMedici whose roman a clef about her days as an intern at the Druidical & Literary is raising eyebrows in towne. “He showed remarkable quickness,” said a scout. “Great lateral speed.”

Dozens of agents streamed out of the Greta Garbo Room until order was restored. Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, chair of the Organizing Committee, said that pitch sessions would resume this morning. Both The Earl and the offending chandelier have been removed. On a happier note Ms. Scones requested the opening two paragraphs of Borchardt’s novel. He plans to include glossy photos depicting his triumphant role as Lysander in last year’s Shakespeare in the Costco Parking Lot production. “The arrow through my head is real,” he added. “It’s not a stage prop.”

In a setback for The Earl, the New York Yankees left him off their expanded roster. Thus, any major league team can claim him according to Sports Editor Mandy Rice-Davies. The Earl’s role as set-up man suffered when the Duchess of Wey went yard off a cut fastball served up by the aspiring pitcher. “She turned on it,” Mandy said. “She smoked it.” The Duchess showed The Earl up by lingering in the batter’s box before making a slow turn around the bases. Some of The Earl’s teammates came to the dugout steps but seemed reluctant to brawl with the Duchess. She gave the crowd a curtain call while The Earl fumed on the hill. “There could be chin music next time,” said an unnamed coach. “She’s thumbing her nose at tradition.”

The Duchess favors a Manny Ramirez 44 ounce ash bat. “It’s a big stick,” said Professor Moriarity. “If she keeps her head down and her weight back she can generate tremendous bat speed.”

Brian Cashman, Yankees GM, gave no indication that the Yankees will sign the Duchess. With Matsui and Sheffield coming off the disabled list there is no room for her in the Yankee outfield. As for The Earl, Cashman wondered aloud about the clanking sound audible from the pitcher’s mound. “Nobody clanks, do they?” he asked.

Wellington Leg: A hubbub has arisen over the Earl’s controversial Author Portrait. Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, heiress to the Smythe Oven fortune, wrote in her OpEd column that, “The Earl’s book contract was granted on the basis of his glamorous author portrait. Otherwise his ridiculous potboiler, Rimbaud, would never have been accepted.” The portrait depicts The Earl in Snooker togs gazing in the direction of Utrecht, a city in Holland. The portrait currently hangs in the waiting room at HRH J Mansfield Prison on Threadneedle Alley. There are two versions of the portrait: one captures the afternoon light, such as it is, while the second reveals the presence of a Jack Russell Terrier whose name, oddly enough, is Jack Russell. “This may be a case of life imitating art,” said DCI Borchardt. Imitating art is forbidden within Wellington Leg city limits.

In a related development Marge, the afternoon cashier, has made bail. The rumored appearance of Michael Chabon at Eddie’s Book Nook was enough to generate “extra cash flow” according to Bailiff Jack Russell. Marge, inventor of the graphic novel, offered a four page illustrated novelette in lieu of cash. She was escorted from Central Booking by literary agent Lydia Careerbreaker. Lydia’s essay on the “midlist” was read aloud by the Goth Boys Chorale. Marge has signed a seven book deal with Wellington Leg Premier Publishers, a division of Aston-Martin Ltd. “I can write seven books in about a week,” Marge estimated. “Unless my brother calls.”

Indictment avoided in road paving scandal: H. Bosch reporting: Hizzoner and five city officials were cleared in the road paving scandal that rocked the Leg in June. Judge Hamilcar Frist dismissed the charges against the mayor after learning that Jimmy Stones was a George Pelecanos fan. Judge Frist ordered the courthouse band to play LITTLE RED ROOSTER despite their unfamiliarity with the tune. His DANCE PARTY program on the WL Network was renewed despite apathetic ratings. Hizzoner celebrated with cheese balls and fifty dollar bills at a watering hole near the courthouse.

Earl Update: Defense Attorney Ethelred the Unready reports that the Snickers bar, the State’s primary evidence against the earl, has melted. “I blame global warming,” said a spokeperson for the Prosecutrix. An artifical Butterfingers has been flown in from the Capitol and will be presented in court in lieu of the Snickers. “The Earl is guilty,” said Wilfredo Tagesblatt, VP of Development. “Smuggling candy into a multiplex threatens the future of filmmaking,” he added.

Indeed there is talk of turning the Earl’s forthcoming trial into a musical. “We’re taking meetings,” Mr. Tagesblatt assured reporters. Auditions will be held in Mad Hatter Park from dusk until dawn. The film’s working title is BEING WILFEDO TAGESBLATT. Several dozen orange people will form the Greek Chorus; observers believe this is an effort to avoid litigation after the unfortunate CSI incident in Threadneedle Alley. Superstar and Wellington Leg resident Ted Cruise knows someone who has glanced at the script. “We love it,” Ted said.