October « 2006 « David Thayer

Archive for October, 2006

Live Demonstraton: Improved Google Glove

Sunday, October 29th, 2006

J. Canseco Stadium, Wellington Leg: Hi everybody and welcome to the Google Outfield. My name is Jerry and he’s Phil and we’re providing the play by play as we witness the introduction of the New Google Glove. Phil?

Looks like The Earl of Watership Down is patrolling center field today. He wrote Voltaire’s Miasma, didn’t he, Jerry?

It’s unputdownable.

But it may cause the Black Plague. Anyway, the new glove has extra stitching and a bigger pocket if you spit on it. The coach is hitting fungos to the earl…he’s really slow out there.

Phil, we’re digitizing information here today. Oh, there goes the Atlantic Monthly, a nice running catch behind second base. The real test of the new glove is handling Big Fat Books. Let’s face it, anyone could digitize a magazine.

Jerry there goes an Erica Jong novel.

I think he’s under it, oh, he forgot to drop his shades. That Google Sun is murder this time of day. Maybe the earl caught the reflection off your sports jacket, Phil.

Okay, here’s a big one. Earthly Powers. The coach really belted that one…the earl is near the warning track…I think that book is outta here, yeah, it’s gone. That Anthony Burgess can crank, can’t he?

He sure can. Wait, the earl is down, and the biography of Eleanor Roosevelt is heading straight for him. Ouch, that had to hurt.

This guy is hopeless out there. Hey, that’s Jose on the dugout steps. They’re putting in Jose!

Juiced was a great book, wasn’t it, Phil? Eleanor Roosevelt, steroids, you know what I’m saying. Phil? Hello? That’s enough Google-Aid for you, my friend.

Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »

Mansfield Prison Going Condo

Saturday, October 28th, 2006

Dateline Wellington Leg: HRH J Mansfield Prison will be converted to condo use according to real estate developer and mystery writer Nora Charles. Nora’s husband, Nick, said the warden’s office will be a penthouse suite overlooking historic Threadneedle Alley. Local artist Benny will paint a mural on the far wall of the alley. “It’ll have puffy white clouds on a field of local lettuce,” he said. Nick and Nora plan to occupy the penthouse with their dog and houseman. Once settled in, they will resume solving local mysteries with a focus on the Thuringian Dressmaker Case. “We think the earl is innocent,” Nora said. “That’s why we bought the property.”

The Earl remains behind bars in the turnip throwing incident many believe incited the Valeria Victrix legion to invade Wellington Leg in the first place. Since the arrival of Roman forces, GDP is down while CPI is up. PPI remains unchanged but the cost of query letters, the city’s major export, has risen dramatically. DCI Borchardt, whose WIP Wellington Leg Confidential was leaked to the tabloid press, estimates that his queries, after being steam opened and disseminated at the Wellington Leg Literary Faire, are now in the hands of Roman skirmishers. In fact, Borchardt is now querying exclusively in Latin.

Postscript: the mysterious deluge of disposable cameras that struck Hizzoner’s Family Pool Hall last week may be explained by the erratic orbit of the Spy Satellite launched here in September. “The satellite fell out of geosynchronous orbit after being rear ended by a lime green AMC Pacer,” police sources said. The news may lead to the cancellation of “Launch a Pacer into Space” a reality television show produced by our own Wilfedo Tagesblatt, VP of Development. One of the Pacers splashed down near the Straights of Magellan. Efforts to recover the Pacer have been complicated by severe weather and lack of oarsmen. “It’s six thousand miles away,” Mr. Tagesblatt said.

The new condo units will be made of Silly Putty. Bobby G reporting and fabricating under deadline.

Posted in Page Seven: Scandals, scandals, and midtown traffic | No Comments »

People’s Choice: Abalone

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

If one metric for blogging success is the amount of Romanian spam received then this blog is a “runaway train with the dead man switch disabled” ( Wellington Leg After Dark). The post with the most from the archives is Mystery Solved: The Earl Fell Victim to an Abalone Attack. Spammers from around the globe have focused their attention on the aftermath of the Earl’s ill-advised surfing adventure off Santa Cruz. Faithful readers will recall that the earl fended off a Great Red, the most feared abalone. Red Abalone often reach a circumference of ten inches; if one calculates the distortion salt water provides, factors in the curve of the world, allows for global warming and the side-effects of cheap sunglasses, it’s easy to see why a Great Red in the wild would be really scary.

Skeptics thought the abalone incident was a “cheap publicity stunt” ( Wellington Leg Before Dark). If that was the case why are spammers from Western Australia, the Outer Hebrides, and Alberta so convinced otherwise? Professor Moriarity, an expert in Inadvertant Communication observed, “I think it’s obvious that the earl’s adventures have leap-frogged its intended audience to reach a dedicated cadre of Google bots in search of freedom of choice.”

Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe ( Her Lyrical Poetry) believes that under her stewardship One More Bite of the Apple would achieve a measure of respectability heretofore denied: “I think this abalone nonsense has kept us out of the New York Times.” Repeated calls to the Gray Lady went unanswered she said.

Prudentia will traveling this week, she goes on to say, which means the blog will lie fallow until she returns. The rest of the staff will be composing a mission statement to be presented to Management on All Hollows Eve. The dowager princess likes the Tigers, but that may be a ploy to curry favor with Detroit PD. She does hope her memoir will be selected by Starbucks although there are some racy bits from her days as an LA real estate developer. Century City, C’est Moi is a no holds barred if substantially false account of her adventures as a studio chief.

Posted in Unsolicited | 1 Comment »

To Read or Not to Read

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

We all know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Writers begin as readers, don’t they? The Ninth Grade Novel? My earliest novel came on the heels of watching Dr. Strangelove while reading East of Eden. The US Army invades Buffalo New York for reasons that now strike me as obscure. I may have been reading William Kotzwinkle or Thomas Berger. Invading Buffalo seemed like a good idea at the time.

I was imitating someone. I used to worry about reading authors in my genre while I was writing. I don’t worry anymore. And, where once I feared Pat Buchanan, now he amuses me. Pat’s hilarious. I don’t know what the correlation is between Pat’s ability to make me laugh and the topic at hand. My stories don’t tend to be ripped from headlines oozing ink. Current events are a subtle influence.

If only Hugo Chavez believed me dead, I muse at times. That’s where the money is.

Until that happy day I’m left to do things the hard way. Pat and Hugo notwithstanding there are more lasting influences to contend with as I begin to write another novel. I have a confession to make: I read a lot while I write my own stuff. My mind is absorbing the work of others while I write. Many writers avoid reading within their genre for fear of outside influences. After all it was outside influences that led to the demise of Richard Nixon, the fall of Rome, the Babylonian Captivity, The Outlaw Josie Wales and sections of the New Testament. They’re sly and insidious and come from outside like Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, and probably the Nehru jacket. You can’t be too careful.

I don’t know. I keep reading. I imitate other writers. Wallace Stegner and Sara Gran. Denise Mina and Thomas Aquinas. I’ve imitated Steinbeck, Ken Bruen, Dante, Kate Atkinson, Dom DeLillo, Heinrich Boell, Fanny Flagg, Larry McMurtrey, William Brodrick, Richard Price, and a guy from Ontario I went to school with. I’d like to imitate more writers like Cornelia Read, Dan Judson, or George Pelecanos. Maybe Michael Koryta or Pat Conroy, and if I get a running start, blow off ten thousand pages like St. Augustine.

What happens is this: after a sentence or two I’m no longer Kate Atkinson-Thomas Aquinas, but have settled back into the familiar pattern of writing like me. I shed my outer Barthelme fairly quickly. Once I get absorbed in what I’m doing I forget who it was my opening paragraph paid homage to: all too soon the opening is gone in the fog of rewriting, a process that further distills the work until I realize at some point that I’m imitating myself. That’s when a coffee break comes in handy.

VS Naipaul says the novel is dead. Why didn’t anyone tell me? I could’ve been imitating Donald Trump.

Posted in Biting the Apple | 6 Comments »

Village Voice Taps Sara Gran

Saturday, October 21st, 2006

The Village Voice chose Sara Gran’s novel Dope as their choice for best noir novel set in New York City. Check out the details at Sara’s blog, the link to which is on the right ( sentence translated from the original Yiddish.) Jenny Davidson’s Light Reading was named their favorite local blog. They also mentioned two of my favorite films: Do the Right Thing from Spike Lee and the fabulous Wanderers from Richard Price’s novel of the same name. All in all an incredible burst of good taste from the Voice.

Local mystery solved: Hizzoner’s Hairpiece was located on the ninth floor balcony of Irgud’s House of Sushi on Gustave Mahler Close. DCI Borchardt and the Flying Squad followed a series of elaborate clues leading from Mad Hatter Park through the historic Rotunda and Reflecting Pond, past the D. Rumsfeld Preschool, through the Serpentine. Borchardt and his team forded the stream rather than use the foot bridge. This led to reports of “squishing sounds” from a Mr. Thor Thorsen of Valhalla Lane. Reached on his cellular telephone, Borchardt doubled back to investigate the squishing sound which resulted in several more complaints.

With the Earl imprisoned the investigation quickly turned to the giraffes in Mad Hatter Park. “We suspect Pinky, a full grown male giraffe, may have lifted Hizzoner’s hairpiece and deposited it at Irgud’s House of Sushi,” Borchardt told reporters. A cache of stolen toupees was recovered. “You don’t have to be Harry Bosch to put two and two together,” Borchardt continued. Pinky will be questioned as soon as an extension ladder is located. If you have an extension ladder please contact the Wellington Leg Police Department. Don’t use the “squishing sound” hotline. Call the switchboard.

Posted in Publishing News | 2 Comments »

Favorite Authors for Literary Hedge Fund

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

With Halloween a few weeks away and the Mets and Tigers possible World Series opponents, I thought it was a good time to update the crime fiction hedge fund. I’m standing in the Literary Pit at the Piltdown Exchange with Chief Compliance Officer Teddy Wells. Teddy is already in costume although his powdery wig is askew after a few minutes with the Live Hog people. “It’s an auction not a street fight,” Teddy said. Many of the hogs remain on the floor smoking cigarettes and looking surly.

What’s roiling the literary market Teddy?

“We’re long Michael Connelly’s Echo Park. It’s very cool. We had to buy a basket of Peruvian copper, though, behind The Interpretation of Murder. We took a bath on that one.”

How are the Futures looking?

“We’re holding December contracts for Kate Atkinson, Bob Crais, and Brian Freeman. We’re out of the Euro and the Yen.”

What about The Thirteenth Tale?

“Not even on the radar. I had to fire three people behind that one.”

Is this your Halloween costume?

“No, I’m going as Nancy Pelosi. This is my Dennis Hastert outfit.”

Teddy, are you planning any author events here at the exchange?

“Not after the live hog fiasco. Maybe somebody nice from Hachette Books. I have a Beaudelaire outfit in the closet.”

Are you all about greed Teddy?

Huh?

Greed.

“I’d like to be, but that isn’t working out. I’m all about anxiety.”

Climbing a wall of worry?

“Yeah, right. Oh look, the hog whisperer is here. Is my wig on straight?”

Posted in Crime Fiction | No Comments »

CBGB: C Ya.

Tuesday, October 17th, 2006

The staff of the Druidical & Literary wish to send CBGB a fond farewell. We wonder what Baby Boomers will do with their evenings now that their favorite club is closed. Ah, yes, dinner at The Olive Garden.

Like Max’s Kansas City before it, CBGB was an institution. I highly recommend dropping a tab of Centrum Silver and turning up Lou Reed’s live version of Heroin. Go ahead, annoy the young people.

Posted in Ripped from Headlines Still Oozing Ink | 2 Comments »

Persuasion

Tuesday, October 17th, 2006

Yesterday’s post was launched into the shimmering veil that is cyberspace never to be seen again. A dark interpretation might be that is a form of rejection, a cosmic intervention, an interlude to remind us all how fragile this tiny convention is. Or, it could’ve been a glitch. Mechanical breakdown. The Earl, an expert on these matters, wrote to say that frayed RSS feeds often lead to disaster. That’s why we use Lord Cornwallis Simple Syndication around here; our thoughts are shot out of a cannon.

Lots of visitors yesterday. Perhaps less is more. A hint of mystery may have attracted visitors who might otherwise have gone off in search of the Adrienne Barbeaux Archive. Most of the TV movies from the 80s are still around, cycling through syndication on those strange channels between ESPN and C-span. These epics could be launched into the abyss that swallowed my post. They may encounter one another in a separate dimension, form some sort of bond, and re-emerge all the better for it. Mutually improved. Let’s hope so.

Posted in Working Fiction | No Comments »

Marty The Mogul Sets the Record Straight

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

It’s not often that the opportunity to interview an actual mogul comes along. Moguls are scarce on the ground and we’ve had Marty before explaining why he bought up all the publishing houses and ruined the business. We caught up with him near Redmond Washington where he’s vacationing. Marty was dressed in the gear of a decurion in the Vicessima Claudia Legion reenacting the battle of Lake Trasimere.

How goes the battle?

Hannibal’s troops have camped on that hill over there past the Seven Eleven. Tomorrow they’ll attack out of the fog and slaughter us.

You ruined the publishing business in the wake of a bitter divorce: how’s the dating going? Do you think if you find the right woman you’ll sell some publishing houses?

My people are crunching the numbers on the dating scene right now. I’m reading a lot of chick lit in the hopes of understanding that side of the biz. Here’s my question: why should we pay writers anything? People should be happy to see their name on the cover.

Marty, what’s your take on crime fiction?

It’s expensive. My cost benefit analysis indicates serious inefficiencies; again the writer is the problem. Now we’ve designed a robot capable of writing 23,000 words per day. Granted, someone has quirt 10-40d on the bot but that job is entry level. This robot produces a novel every four days.

Wow. Are the books any good?

Well, they deal with robot themes. Like I wish I had real hands, stuff like that.

You mean The Tin Man Syndrome?

Good title. I’ll pay you a quarter for it.

50 cent.

Writers are greedy. Once this robot thing takes off you’ll be out of luck.

Posted in Page Seven: Scandals, scandals, and midtown traffic | No Comments »

Jar City and More

Friday, October 13th, 2006

I’m awaiting the edits on my review of Thomas Lakeman’s THE SHADOW CATCHERS for January Magazine. If all goes well it should be ready to go next week. The book is a debut novel published by SMP-Minotaur and well worth reading.

Brian Freeman’s STRIPPED is a wild ride, set in Vegas which is a long way from Duluth, Minnesota. The story is very frank in its dealings with Sin City and all the name implies ( Vegas, not Duluth. Although I suspect almost every town in North America has been called Sin City by someone, Freeman’s rendition of Las Vegas feels fresh, no mean accomplishment.)

Arnaldur Indridason’s JAR CITY is published in the US by Picador. Set in Iceland it’s a procedural that has garnered praise after its UK release. Indridason won the Silver Dagger Award in 2005.

ECHO PARK is Michael Connelly’s latest Harry Bosch. I opened the book for a peek and read 160 pages. This is one of the best Bosch entries I’ve read in a while and if the story holds up the book will be in the front window of Eddie’s Book Nook.