The Book Will Write Itself
Dateline Wellington Leg: Scientists at the Bog Institute have developed a fully automated book writing program they call Flying Fingers. Doctor Ernst Kartoffelsalat made the announcement from the upper balcony of the Institute to a crowd of writers, critics, and professional mourners. Some of them were still in their Halloween costumes for Famous Writers Day, a Wellington Leg tradition. This column was written using the fully automated Flying Fingers approach, with the optional blindfold and cigarette.
This is how it works: while you sleep your thoughts are scanned by a flashlight and uploaded into a small tube. The tube is carefully crushed in a large vat then poured into a computer. After a few moments in a stainless steel tank the computer is plugged in and your book is pulverized, subjected to extreme heat, then extruded into the familiar book like shape so dear to tradionalists.
“We wanted the tactile experience,” Dr. Kartoffelsalat said. His roman a clef, Entropy in Cannes, came out to a clap of thunder and a brief power outage.
“This will revolutionize writing,” said efficiency expert Otto von Otto. “And, it will order moo shoo pork.” Make sure your flashlight has a fresh battery. Otherwise the program will plagiarize work already stored in memory and it will short circuit and the author will become a Nevada domiciled corporation enjoying certain tax advantages but suffering withering critical fire.
The Book Will Write Itself is not available in stores. Try not to think about Rocky & Bullwinkle episodes near bedtime. So far all of the stories are about a talking squirrel who owns a Way Back Machine. That’s derivative, people. I’m looking at you, Dick Cheney. Dish it baby.