Pynch Me Tour Hits the Leg
Wellington Leg: Thomas Pynchon, author of AGAINST THE DAY, made a splashy arrival in downtown Wellington Leg. As is his custom Pynchon commanded the coveted Ninth Floor of the Hotel Faz before an appearance on the balcony. The author threw chocolate bookmarks shaped like rainbows at thousands of admirers. The force of gravity carried the candies ever downward as though guided by a great hand.
When word leaked that the author planned to go clubbing, Hizzoner’s Polka House stayed open past ten to accomodate the great man. Marjorie Morningstar, who had threatened to reduce the towne’s bond rating, reported hundreds of raucous book fans rioting near the Fressgasse. “I called the police,” Marjorie said.
DCI Borchardt brought in cavalry units from the Decima Claudia Legion camped near Costco. The controversial decision to use Roman mercenaries is not without precedent. “They are providing mall security at the Prince of Denmark Shopping Center,” Borchardt revealed. “Only through the holidays,” he added.
The Pynch Me Tour will end with a public appearance at Eddie’s Book Nook around noon. Pynchon is expected to land by parachute on FoldingPaper Square. Hizzoner, the Towne Council, and the high school marching band will greet the author as he descends. Residents are advised to avoid the Historic Rotunda unless in possession of an Engraved Invitation. Beheadings scheduled for today will be postponed, according to VP of Development Wilfredo Tagesblatt. “This is wreaking havoc with our schedule,” he said.
“Pynchon loves the limelight,” observed Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe chair of the Pynch Me Committee. The first one hundred citizens to buy AGAINST THE DAY will receive a Smythe oven and a supply of Pop-Tarts. “With the earl driving his hogs to the higher hills we expect the event to go smoothly,” she added.
Alternative side of the street parking regulations will be reversed for the spectacle. Lot 49, Section V, is set aside for oxcarts and other “impedimenta.” Don’t even think about parking there.