Dateline: Wellington Leg. In what some observers believe to be a first, VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA is being recalled by its publisher Big Fat Books GMBH. Problems associated with the tome include exploding Christmas tree lights, night blindness, poor tire alignment, and a sudden urge to speak French.
Graf von Sitzbaedchen, Chairman of Big Fat Industries, issued a prepared statement regarding the recall: “Members of our focus group included a cross section of Legians,” he said. “None of them spoke French before.”
Safe operation of the novel: like many Big Fat Books, VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA comes with a warning label. WARNING: YOU’LL LAUGH, YOU’LL CRY, YOU’LL WANT TO HUG A FRENCH PHILOSOPHER.
“It’s inappropriate for public transportation,” said Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, chair of the Wellington Leg Francophone Committee. Chalfont-Smythe began smoking black tobacco cigarettes while reading the novel. “I was enveloped in a noxious cloud,” she said.
Some readers expressed the desire to watch Roger Vadim films although others found themselves drawn to Fassbinder. Wellington Leg’s art house theater was raided by the Flying Squad shortly before dawn. A man claiming to be Jean Luc Goddard was issued a summons after claiming he spoke no English.
Graf von Sitzbaedchen promised “four literary credits” to anyone returning VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. The book will be pulped by a crew of city workers using Jose Canseco model hickory bats. Wendell Wilkie reporting.