Designer Sunglasses to Help Task Force
Wellington Leg: Lead Investigator Enrico Caruso has joined the Wellington Leg Crime Lab according to High Sheriff Hugh of Lochsley. Caruso has been given “carte blanche” to solve the Thuringian Dressmaker case, a mystery wrapped in a puzzle inside an enigma. Other improvements include a better soundtrack and a new head writer. “Criminals of Wellington Leg beware,” said Hugh. “The days of elevator music and improbable dialogue are ending.”
The Druidical & Literary was invited on a drive along with CSI Caruso to the Fred Flintstone complex near Middle Wallop. A Vandal had left graffiti behind depicting DCI Borchardt with an arrow through his head. After examining the scene CSI Caruso remarked, “this is a crime of opportunity. We’re cordoning off Wellington Leg. I need an ordnance survey map of the original thirteen colonies, a bottle of windex, and a scale model of Midtown Manhattan. This guy will strike again.”
Back at the lab sculptors prepared a forty foot mockup of the arrow. “Feathers,” said Caruso, “are a primitive guidance system. These are goose feathers. Find me that goose.”
Some problems persist: once he has donned his designer sunglasses CSI Caruso loses the ability to speak. Wellington Leg has many geese and the offending goose may be visiting Toronto out of season. The CSI mobile is a 1984 Volvo wagon with bald tires. “We’re not entering Canada in that contraption,” said a source close to the investigation.
Herb Donohue and his orchestra haven’t quite mastered the opening riffs to Twilight Zone. While CSIs fired arrows into saline solutions, the background music disappointed viewers. “I thought we were doing Tenth Avenue Freezeout,” said percussionist Gus of Goth. “It sounded like My Way.”
A Mrs. Drake of Filbert Lane reported a “suspicious goose” near the convenience store on Van Helsing Place. The goose may have been hitchhiking or simply loitering. By the time CSI Caruso arrived only a duck remained in the parking lot. “Ducks don’t drive,” Caruso said. “Bring me that duck.” Ildephonse Macaroni reporting.