The Earl’s Christmas Tips
Hello. I’m writing today from my embittered dogsbody’s battered desk. My own escritoire is in the shop. I can only hope that Lars and his crack team of mechanics can repair it before the next windstorm. Wellington Leg has battened down for another autumn storm; the hogs have fled to the relative safety of Midtown. I will, no doubt, be receiving the usual cries of outrage from shoppers.
The subject of this morning’s essay is the fake fire. During the holidays writers ( and I’m no exception) are drawn indoors for scenes that require the domestic touch. Who can forget the moment in VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA when Jules and Maude, caught in the amber glow of the artifical fire, decide to flee Paris? Throughout my epic there are no fewer than 39 fake fire scenes. Too many? Too few?
One of the problems is Jules and his constant dithering. After fleeing Paris he returns to make certain his apartment door is locked. No sooner does he escape the wrath of angry peasants, a chance encouter with his landlord results in further delay. As he is dragged to the guillotine, Jules remembers to cancel his grocery order, and of course, his subscription to Le Soir ( another fake fire moment.) He’s completely forgotten his promise to Maude, rendered on a note found by the Bailiff.
Well, I think you would agree that moderation is key. As he awaits the falling blade, Jules realizes that he is engaged to the Duchess of Lambert. What was he doing with Maude before the fake fire? Jules vows to write these things down in the future.