Wellington Leg, the 21st Ultimo: Powerful winds from Gastropod Alley left the Towne of Wellington Leg without power, heat, and hot water late last week. Here’s a quick rundown of cancelations from the Quad City News Desk:
The Famous Writers School, which teaches the secret techniques of successful writers, is open. DCI Borchardt attended class to learn “headline ripping.” “All I did was shred newspapers,” he said. Borchardt made a rain hat from back issues of the Daily Planet.
Beheadings at the Tower: Wellington Leg’s reality TV series was forced to shut down when supplies of abalone entrails and green tea were exhausted. Wilfredo Tagesblatt, VP of Development, promised that “heads would roll” in an exceptional memo dictated but not read, signed but not sealed.
The Earl’s Driving School: Roman soldiers from the Vicesima Claudia and Mars Victor Legions lifted the Earl’s Mini from the grasp of a fifty foot rhododendron near his ancestral home. Fights broke out among the troops when driving class was canceled. After the squad arrived at a nearby Chevron station, police were summoned. “The Romans tossed the Mini back and forth,” said one patrol officer. “This invasion is creating real problems,” he added.
Eddie’s Book Nook near the historic rotunda will open at noon. Urquhart Depew, embittered dogsbody, will appear this afternoon to read from his potboiler expose about life with the Earl. “The buzz is awesome,” noted Publicist Lars Kierkegaard. Depew claims that he is the rightful heir to Great Puffinghammer, that he and the earl were switched at birth, that his years as an ensign in the Royal Navy resulted in substantial hearing loss. Mrs. Glenda Doherty of Carthago Nova was the first person to camp in front of Eddie’s. “I have my knitting,” she said. Mrs. Doherty produced a Dick Cheney mask to frighten passersby. “It’s fun,” she said.
No power is one thing but, NO abalone entrails and green tea–horrors