Earl in Christmas Tree Mishap
Wellington Leg: An attempt to reach the highest star came acropper this morning when the Earl of Watership Down vanished into the decorated branches of a one hundred foot Sitka spruce. “He’s been in there for several hours,” noted Publicist of Gloom Lars Kierkegaard. “It was a vainglorious attempt to adjust the star that graces the very tip of the mighty tree,” Lars continued. “Several maritime creatures had conspired to move the star closer to true north,” he added.
DCI Borchardt, on duty this festive weekend, rushed to the scene of the earl’s mysterious disappearance. “This is a hoax,” he muttered. Three penguins of uncertain origin were observed “falling off the curb” by eye-witness Eugenia Gadfly of GreatBigTreesGoFlying Avenue. “Mrs. Gadfly also reported receiving VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA as a Christmas gift,” Borchardt said. “What fiend would do such a thing?”
Elsewhere in the Leg, Wilfredo Tagesblatt reported that the Guillotine is working again. “I’m making scalloped potatoes,” he added. “This is great.”
At the Tower, Mrs. Anderson-Cooper, QC, wished everyone “Seasons Greetings.” Her phalanx of elderly Walmart doormen pressed through towne “in search of hooligans,” but were flummoxed by the earl’s “vanishment.” The Prosecutrix, who’d seen an owl on her balcony, remained indoors studying film of the Raiders offense.
With Costco closed, police units withdrew from the Overflow Lot where Roman skirmishers were sighted last week. DCI Borchardt suspects these strange doings are related. “The earl vanishes in a tree…penguins jump from the curb, the guillotine is working and I’m using the present tense. It’s beginning to look a lot like…Wellington Leg.”
A cab driver reported “theft of service” by an Orca shortly after midnight. The great beast swallowed the aging Marathon before spitting it out. The cabbie had been reading ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF SOLITUDE when the Orca struck. He was breathalyzed and dragged before Judge Hamilcar Frist. “We danced the night away,” the judge remarked. Prinz Pomerol of Regensburg reporting.