San Francisco Trumps Wellington Leg in Barry Zito Sweepstakes
Special to the Druidical & Literary: The San Francisco Baseball Giants have signed lefthander Barry Zito in a multi-year contract valued at 120,000,000. The news shocked the Leg whose fans were sure he was leaning toward the Wellington Leg Pioneers. “With the earl in center and the Duchess closing, Zito might’ve won 30 games if he’d signed with the Pioneers,” said baseball analyst Anne of Cleves. With $120,000,000 Zito will be able to afford a new house, but not a very big one, and certainly not in a good neighborhood. “He’ll be commuting from Lake County,” predicted Minny the Realtor from her office atop Thump Tower. “His commute would’ve been far better in Wellington Leg.”
Although spring training is weeks away the Duchess has been seen perfecting her cut fastball. “It explodes like Mariano Rivera’s,” said a spokesperson. The earl is recovering from injuries sustained in a Christmas tree mishap. “Zito is a fly ball pitcher. With the earl patroling deep batter after batter would’ve retired in dismay,” Ms. Cleves remarked. Her observation was greeted by laughter from assembled reporters.
A condo in the converted HRH J. Mansfield Prison had Zito’s name all over it, Minnie said. “The prices in San Francisco? Forget about it. A condo here costs 50 Cent.”
The Pioneers need to sign infielder Condi Rice. “Even with the Duchess on the hill, the team is dreadful,” said a literary scout. “The earl, a threat to literature, is a danger to himself on the field.” She may have been alluding to the time the earl tripped over a resin bag and swallowed his chaw. That incident may have created the housing bubble and global warming. Pippi Longstocking reporting.