David Thayer

Your reporter wonders aloud whether Marisha Pessl is pleased about the hype surrounding her debut. On the one hand there are a staggering number of reviews evoking Holden Caulfield, Huck Finn, and oddly enough, from the Boston Globe, a reference to salmon. “Lines jump out like salmon swimming upstream.” The NYTBR called it “a poetic act of will.” Vogue mentioned Jonathan Safran Foer, Dave Eggers, and Zadie Smith in a breathless sweep of the literary landscape.
SPECIAL TOPICS IN CALAMITY PHYSICS is the novel on the most lists this month. Marisha Pessl’s debut was featured in the New York Times list of notable books, triggering a fair amount of sniping.

Laura Miller’s Salon review last August was positive ( during your reporter’s relentless fact-checking, I was able to enter Salon courtesy of the Lincoln Navigator, a really big car, and a number of bouncing basketballs. I’m not certain what the correlation is between driving a Navigator and playing basketball, or if there is a correlation. For all I know there may be an entire list revealing why, after purchasing a Navigator, you may experience the desire to play zone defense.)

Here is a list of keywords from Ms. Miller’s review: Dom Delillo ( uh oh) girls, professors, frippery ( I don’t know what this word means) fascinating, surprising and wedge. Ms. Miller referred to Ms. Pessl as a novelist, the italics lending additional heft and meaning. This may be akin to calling the Lincoln Navigator a basketball player’s dream. At one point in her review Ms. Miller muses that the realm of Big Fat Books is exclusively male, implying that Ms. Pessl would not receive the recognition she deserves.

No list is bigger and fatter than the NYT’s. Ms. Pessl’s novel is on that list although not everyone is pleased to see it there. With a literary heritage that lincludes Ovid, Nabokov, Flaubert, and Flannery O’Connor SPECIAL TOPICS IN CALAMITY PHYSICS struck a chord with many critics and readers alike. This is success, my friends, with all the attendant frippery.

I am experiencing a moment of reverential awe after reading the LA Times account of Clive Cussler’s movie deal with Phillip Anschultz’s production company. Cussler signed a ten million dollar per book deal with Anschultz to bring the Dirk Pitt stories to the silver screen. That occurred back in the year 2000 presumably after the all clear was given in re the new milennium. Ten million dollars per book: who wouldn’t rush out and buy new pajamas for those chilly mornings at the keyboard?

The article remains coherent precisely because the LA Times factors in the vagaries of Hollywood in a way other newspapers could not. A good analogy might be covering the 1927 Yankees and you have to think of variations on the headline, YANKS WIN. After thumping the tribe and smacking the Senators you can see how difficult this task might be. If you write for the LA Times and the story is about Hollywood and law suits you have keep repeating the phrase, “a new writer was brought in, paid 500,000 dollars and fired. Then they were rehired to fix the script previously fixed by the old writer now living in disgrace on the proceeds of the previous rewrite lost forever in a parking lot incident.”

I’m just going to say this. I’d like to try the Hollywood approach. So far when I see a part of my manuscript isn’t working I just fix it. In the future I’m going to fire myself, probably after an exchange of vicious emails. Then I’ll offer to fix it for 500,000 dollars, get fired, get rehired, write some coverage on the back of a spiral notebook, get another 500,000 dollars and fire off another email. Wow, the scales are falling from my eyes. Here’s a headline: Yanks Pummel Pale Hose. I get it now, this is fun.

Two Killer Year authors, Sandra Ruttan and Marcus Sakey, have books coming out next month, the first of several releases from the group of debut novelists. SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES is Sandra’s novel about a reporter and a cop in a corrupt town. Is a video depicting a woman’s death a hoax or the real thing? The novel ponders the issue of power and responsibility for journalists as well as cops.

THE BLADE ITSELF will be released January 7. The title comes from a quote by Homer: “The blade itself incites to violence.” Set in Chicago, the story lives up to Homer’s warning as a burglary goes haywire. One man goes to jail while his partner goes straight. Seven years later they meet again and you know that’s not gonna work.

Both of these writers are gifted and smart. The blurbs attached to them are astounding: Ruttan has Cornelia Read, Clive Cussler and Anne Frasier going to bat for her while Sakey has garnered praise from Ken Bruen, George Pelecanos, Lee Child, Victor Gischler, TJ Parker, and Sarah Weinman. Blurbs like these open doors in the pre-pub frenzy, enticing buyers and bookstores to stock the titles.

Killer Year also includes JT Ellison, Sean Chercover, Patry Francis, Jason Pinter, Brett Battles, Dave White, Bill Cameron, Marc Lecard, Robert Gregory Browne, Derek Nikitas, Gregg Olsen, and Toni McGee Causey in their class of 2007. They’ve arranged a mentorship program with members of the International Thriller Writers, founded by David Morrell, Gayle Lynds, Raelynn Hillhouse and others.

Your reporter will try to keep current with these folks as pub dates approach. The Druidical & Literary has many ace reporters: if Olivia Earthwindandfire quits Belvedere Castle we’ll be fully staffed for next year. Come back Olivia. You can do the cool interviews.

Cool site. Great info. Let’s be friends. Such knowledge in possession of. I am bookmarking your site. You will pursue your studies! Discount drugs. From the writers who gave us fortune cookies and lost treasure to be claimed in faraway lands, we have a new form of spam more insidious than billboard advertisements of yesteryear ( Gamble! Smoke Kools!) Flattery.

Writers may be especially vulnerable to this approach. They endure much on the road to celebrity status. Who’s your agent? Oh, I’m represented by Kelly who turns out to be Martha ( We love your work. We cash your check. Let’s be friends.)

Writers Needed! Have you seen this ad? It’s true. Not spam, not ripoff. Don’t send money. Major publisher wants more stuff to read! Hurry. There is a contest underway whose deadline for receiving unpublished fiction has been extended ninety days. The original deadline was 12-31-06. The entrance fee is 85 US Dollars. According to a press release from the organizers, Simon & Schuster will publish three winning manuscripts. There is a $100,000 prize.

The problem? Not enough submissions. The Sobol Award will give us a hundred grand for uploading a manuscript to people we don’t know. Hell, this is what we do, right? In principal this is a great idea. Literary agents should try this approach. Send manuscript: we’ll give you a hundred grand! Picture that ad in Writers Marketplace: not spam, not ripoff! For 100,000 dollars I will enclose a SASE.

Is the Sobol Award legit? From my studies of economics I remember this: negative cash flow brings a tear to the eye. Prize money totals $ 150,000 for the top two awards. If 2000 people enter paying 85 bucks apiece that totals $170,000. 4000 entrants equals $340,000. To be self-sustaining they need numbers, in this case, manuscripts. Imbedded in their needs are the seeds of conflict. As the number of manuscripts increase, the chances of winning decrease. How does an organization manage to evaluate thousands of manuscripts when the sole criterion for entry is $85? Will the deadline be extended into perpetuity?

I don’t know the answer. I think writers have been sucker punched so often that we’re leery of fantastic offers. There are legitimate contests for novelists out there and many more for screenwriters. If you’re the prize winner of Defiance Ohio, go for it. Otherwise beware.

Catskill, New York: According to the Hudson Valley News erstwhile  author representative and publishing maven Martha Ivery has been sentenced to 65 months in jail for mail fraud. When she wasn’t being Martha Ivery, publisher of TIGE Books, she was Kelly O’Donnell, literary agent.  Martha and Kelly collected fees from would be authors: reading fees, illustration fees, publication fees, editing fees, but, lo, neither Martha nor Martha as Kelly ever published any books. In Greene County New York, that’s fraud, punishable by jail time. Greene County is mute on whether it will charge Martha a fee for prisoner duds, a fee for food, a fee for laundry service.

Of the two personas my favorite is Kelly. She sounds friendlier than Martha, and Kelly was one step removed from the naughty publishing scheme. Kelly dangled the promise of representation and only wanted to be compensated for reading submissions. After offering representation, Kelly turned to Martha to publish the books. Mean Martha said sure, but you gotta pay me cash. This left Kelly in a real bind.

As you can see this is a screenplay that writes itself. Free Kelly: based on actual events. Logline: I fell behind in my reading and went to jail! Where’s the justice?

After being slapped by a Google glove, the earl will fight a duel with author Baron Roquefort Montescue near the Seven Dials on Thumping Monk Square. The Baron, a member of a local critique group, was the subject of a literary expose in last week’s edition of the Druidical & Literary, an article penned by the earl. “Montescue plagiarized entire passages of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA. He shamelessly lifted sections of RIMBAUD wherein a Prince of Pomerania is lowered from a helicopter into the Winter Palace.”

For comparison, let’s examine two sentences: “Was it wise to rescue Alexandra in this foul weather or wait for Spring?” ( Voltaire’s Miasma.) “The weather, though foul, played second fiddle to Alexandra’s sudden reluctance.” And later: “Her goggles fogged over and tears leapt from her eyes,” versus, “She wept through a goggled fog.” Or, “Lord Pendragon, awakened from sleep, shouted, ‘boo-yah’ and rammed the Forthright.” “Sea Lord Pendragon, addled by slumber, shot the stars and rammed the Forthright.”

A Matter of Honor? Judge Hamilcar Frist, awakened from slumber, issued a statement after careful review of all passages. “Where in Tsarist Russia would one locate a helicopter?” Dueling is forbidden under City Ordinance Twenty Two: “No two or four shall engage one another or the others or themselves in suche folly.”

Judge Frist read a passage from his Work in Progress: “After inventing a flying machine, I approached the Winter Palace, though weeping through goggled eyes from turbulence…Alexandra waved from the roof, her Google Gloves bitten with frost.”

Baron Rocquefort will employ a T-72 main battle tank in his duel with the earl. Though obsolete, the T-72 is formidable in close quarters. The T-72 will be provided by Bob’s House of Tanks on Auto Row. J. McEnroe reporting.

Wellington Leg: Lead Investigator Enrico Caruso has joined the Wellington Leg Crime Lab according to High Sheriff Hugh of Lochsley. Caruso has been given “carte blanche” to solve the Thuringian Dressmaker case, a mystery wrapped in a puzzle inside an enigma. Other improvements include a better soundtrack and a new head writer. “Criminals of Wellington Leg beware,” said Hugh. “The days of elevator music and improbable dialogue are ending.”

The Druidical & Literary was invited on a drive along with CSI Caruso to the Fred Flintstone complex near Middle Wallop. A Vandal had left graffiti behind depicting DCI Borchardt with an arrow through his head. After examining the scene CSI Caruso remarked, “this is a crime of opportunity. We’re cordoning off Wellington Leg. I need an ordnance survey map of the original thirteen colonies, a bottle of windex, and a scale model of Midtown Manhattan. This guy will strike again.”

Back at the lab sculptors prepared a forty foot mockup of the arrow. “Feathers,” said Caruso, “are a primitive guidance system. These are goose feathers. Find me that goose.”

Some problems persist: once he has donned his designer sunglasses CSI Caruso loses the ability to speak. Wellington Leg has many geese and the offending goose may be visiting Toronto out of season. The CSI mobile is a 1984 Volvo wagon with bald tires. “We’re not entering Canada in that contraption,” said a source close to the investigation.

Herb Donohue and his orchestra haven’t quite mastered the opening riffs to Twilight Zone. While CSIs fired arrows into saline solutions, the background music disappointed viewers. “I thought we were doing Tenth Avenue Freezeout,” said percussionist Gus of Goth. “It sounded like My Way.”

A Mrs. Drake of Filbert Lane reported a “suspicious goose” near the convenience store on Van Helsing Place. The goose may have been hitchhiking or simply loitering. By the time CSI Caruso arrived only a duck remained in the parking lot. “Ducks don’t drive,” Caruso said. “Bring me that duck.”   Ildephonse Macaroni reporting.

Pink Floyds cautionary words certainly apply to writers. Not only to crime fiction writers, but literary, romance, speculative, genre benders, graphic novelists and poets. In ONE GOOD TURN Kate Atkinson arms her villain with a baseball bat. When I read the passage I was thinking two things: Why does a Scottish guy have a baseball bat handy? Does he choke up or swing away? Another character counter-attacks with a briefcase: I’m hoping it wasn’t one of those soft leather things, but a rugged briefcase that has flown United many times and fears nothing.

Death by Steinway: Here’s a scene that illustrates the problem: “She was trapped, the Cuisinart defense a failure. Megan grabbed the Steinway Baby Grand. Lifting it high overhead, she rushed Herbert whose suit of armor was a liability now. He staggered toward the balcony with sweeping views of New Jersey. Herbert spotted the thirty caliber machine gun mounted near the ficus tree…if only he wasn’t wearing armor.”

Forensic analysis: Megan’s former job as a piano mover came in handy. Herbert had gone to a jousting tournament before his cell phone rang. A platoon of Marines had encamped on the balcony, but forgot their machine gun before they rapelled down the building. A Steinway Baby Grand developes a ballistic signature unlike those of other pianos. This is our murder weapon people.

Wellington Leg: In a secret laboratory near his ancestral estate The Earl of Watership Down sucessfully mixed a beaker of You Tube with Blue Tooth paste to create “Blue Tube” a technology designed to enhance the princess style telephone. “At the moment, due to imperial fiat, even the Wellington Police use princess phones,” a spokesperson said. The Dowager Princess owns the telephone concession for the quad cities.

In a demonstration of the technology the Earl stands atop the twelve foot diving board at the Pool in Mad Hatter Park. “Any sort of tube may be used,” explained Professor Moriarity. “The Earl is wearing an inner tube with a satellite uplink. Before he plunges into the pool he will send a “text message” to DCI Borchardt. Borchardt will receive the message on his princess decoder-reader with bluetube enhanced nano utilities.”

Criminals frequently mock Wellington Leg police officers for their pink phones. “They’re laughing now but wait until they receive a nano blast of blue tube,” warned Borchardt. “We’ll see who laughs last.”

“The earl is ariborne, ladies and gentlemen, you see how he rotates in mid-air to pick up the signal from the Wellington Leg Spy Satellite…is there a signal? Oh no he’s belly flopping. I can report an enormous splash! Let’s see what Borchardt’s readout says.”

“Pink is the new black?” Isn’t that a quote from a Jim Fusilli novel? “I’m crestfallen,” reports Borchardt.

“There goes the spy satellite, ladies and gentlemen. The Earl is being lifted out of the pool by a mobile crane. I fear the days of telephone monopoly may not be over for the quad cities.” An outraged Geraldo reporting.