Earl Feted on Literary Atoll
Gastropod Alley: The Island of Gill, a windswept volcanic cone, has selected the earl’s masterpiece VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA as book of the year. The island, once thought to be uninhabited, is a critics refuge designated by the Dowager Princess as “Her Blessed Sanctuary, Aviary, and Potting Shedde” allows no construction or banging of hammer upon nail. The four year round residents live in caves under an agreement of condominium with the Crown, Her Assigns, Bailiffs, Wastrels, and Appointees. Previous winners of the coveted Bipectinated Gill Award include Aldous Huxley, Reggie Jackson, A French Guy, Sonny Bono, and the front line of 1954 Baltimore Colts.
The Earl, resplendent in traditional chain mail, set foot on the island bearing news from loved ones. He was greeted at the shoreline by a penguin and a wind-battered Toyota. They set off with the penguin at the wheel making a course across the Rocky soil into the churning waves of Gastropod Alley. Unbeknownst to the earl, penguins are drawn to the sea. Fortunately for all, the Spanish Galleon Balboa lurked nearby, no doubt plotting yet another assault on the unsuspecting citizens of Wellington Leg.
The Earl, hoisted aboard by heavy duty crane, was allowed to “drip-dry” while Viscount Panza interrogated the penguin. After cigars and brandy the penguin was put ashore with a warning about staging literary contests under false pretenses. A photo of the penguin was dispatched to Wellington Leg Police Headquarters where CSI Caruso agreed that, “this is the guy who promised me literary fame during a sting operation near Tierra del Fuego.”
Queen Isabella has promised to return the earl “as soon as back taxes are received from the Californias.” Fearing the earl may become a political football, NFL officials promised to review the tape and consult with the Players Union before demanding his unconditional release. CSI Caruso vowed swift justice noting “we are unique among mammals in that we play football. But there are rules. That’s where I come in.”
The Penguin appeared to be smiling on the windswept security video. “He’d had two or three glasses of cognac. That’s a lot for a penguin,” said DCI Borchardt. “The Toyota was stolen,” he added. “In 1978.” He carried a valid drivers license, the only endorsement being “the driver is a flightless bird who feels compelled to plunge into large bodies of water.” Pierre Trudeau reporting.