Texting Ban Irks Roman Troops
Special to the Druidical & Literary: Our correspondent, the Wellingtonienne, filed this report from embattled Los Angeles: A crackdown on texting has demoralized Roman soldiers stationed around Los Angeles. The commander of the Vicesima Claudia Legion has ordered an end to texting as his men prepare to leave Winter Quarters for Spring Training. Our own Wellingtonienne is on the scene.
“I’m all over this story,” she says. “I’m standing near the entrance to the Campus Martialis ( formerly Burbank) where the First Cohort of the Vecisima Claudia is going through stretching exercises, a little yoga, and aromatherapy in preparation for the campaign season. The legion commander announced a texting ban to take immediate effect not only for the First Cohort, but the others as well.”
How are the Romans adapting?
“Other than “Earltube” the troops have no access to modern technology. We gave them cell phones but one of the guys dropped his and then they all dropped theirs and pretty soon they were stomping on them probably in reaction to the opening bars of MY SHARONA programmed as the ring tone by either Boris or Natasha.”
How do they text?
“They have these sharp sticks and wax tablets and it takes like forever to write a message. I did one and by the time I finished I forgot what was going to say.”
Is Burbank chafing under Roman rule?
“Totally. I was ordering a soy latte when Jay Leno drove by and I’m like Oh My God and the Roman guy guarding the place carved the cash register in half thinking the barbarians were atacking or whatever. He almost killed a talent agent sitting by the window.”
Are you safe?
“Oh yeah, they know I’m like a citizen journalist and I have to wear this tennis headband that says SPQR which I guess is a Roman television station or something. The other today they played catch with the yoga teacher and I’m like Oh My God, dudes, that’s a monk you’re tossing back and forth!”
What are you immediate plans?
“Well, the Romans are kind of pissed about the LA Coliseum. I think we’re going over to Westwood and seize UCLA.”
Will that affect PAC 10 play?
“Wow, good question. I’ll see if I can get them to spare the gym.”
How do we know you’re the real Wellingtonienne and not a Roman spy? What’s the capitol of Ohio?
WKRP.
Geraldo here: be safe, okay?