Local Novelist Celebrates Fifth
Wellington Leg: Our correspondent, the Wellingtonienne, was unable to make Eugenia Phaeton’s birthday party due to a prior commitment. Drastic cuts in staff here at the Druidical & Literary reflect our ongoing commitment to you, our shareholders, hedge fund managers and investment bankers who understand that journalistic excellence and integrity are really vague and silly concepts when analyzed on a Pro-Forma or even GAAP basis. As a cost cutting measure we’re experimenting with different ideas when it comes to the news:
Ignoring news all together. Sometimes we overreact to things. A lot of things just run their course whether we report them or not.
Inventing news: fiction writers are cheaper than non-fiction writers according to our consultants. It’s hardly surprising then to discover that making things up is more cost effective than running around verifying sources and stuff. Anyway, who has the time?
Bandwidth: this is just too labor intensive, so we laid off the band members.
News aggregators: We have Phil who reads a lot and receives a case of Yoo-Hoo with our compliments.
Headline writers: We’re building a robot who will take over much of the creative work and sub-leasing the assigned parking spaces through a series of limited partnership agreements. Total capital investment should peak at around $12 unless we get an unfavorable ruling from you know who.
Real Time Literary News: this is why you read the Druidical & Literary, brought to you commercial free because of some glitch in the Google algorithm. Sorry for the long-winded explanation as to why the headline and the body of this entry do not correlate other than in re our continuing commitment blah blah blah. Yours Faithfully, Oliver Castinstone, Publisher. ( NB: Eugenia Phaeton’s birthday party will be shown in its entirety at its usual time.)