<p> I’ve been meaning to discuss the correct way to read the New York Times, welterweight on Saturday, journalistic Big Gulp on Sunday. You know what I’m talking about. If you live in New York City or environs you get all the sections missing in other parts of the globe, Real Estate, Classifieds ( want to be chair of Goldman Sachs? Read the Classifieds.) I know Brooklyn is expensive now. My former abode would sell for several millions now that I no longer live there, a tribute to the time value of money whose formula should apear in the Financial Section and so, for that matter, should fiction reviews.
<p> Over in Finance they’re worried about the inverted yield curve, that anamoly in which short term yields exceed those of longer maturities. This signals a recession based on historical analysis known as the Davinci Curve. Leonardo was aware of a secret cabal of tonsured fellows whose sole purpose in life was the Yield Curve. Meeting in obscure monasteries, observing the Rule of St. Benedict, these scholars diagrammed economic trends revealed centuries later under the governing principal that what goes up must come down.
<p> Example: throw GRAVITY’S RAINBOW into the air. After a few turns and abbreviated orbit the tome will return to earth very probably near its point of origin. To avoid injury be sure and read Maureen Dowd while wearing a Dick Cheney mask. That’s what Leonardo would do.
<p> Mix all the sections together: this is fun, shake the Sunday Times from side to side, although not in your driveway, especially in Westchester. Go inside first. Spread the paper on the floor ( dog owners be warned) read a sentence from the Book Review then jump over to Sports. Carl Pavano has written a touching memoir read aloud by Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke dripping with Pre-War charm. That’s code, my friends. That’s a big fat newspaper.
If you spread the sections out randomly, you could make a pretty effective version of Twister from this process…