Druidical & Literary Swimsuit Edition
<p> Wellington Leg: Lettuce served at a lavish party celebrating the annual swimsuit edition of the Druidical & Literary was contaminated according to sources with close ties to produce and literature. Several guests were rushed to Big L Casualty where surgeons were standing by. Lettuce was removed from the ear, nose, and throat of Mr. Gavin Hastings of Henley Hornbrook who may have been the victim of “hazing” according to DCI Borchardt. “No one puts lettuce in their ears,” he said, ignoring the obvious fact that someone had, that someone being Mr. Hastings. Doctors reported that despite a poor credit score and the derivative nature of his admittance essay they removed the offending lettuce at a cost of $44,000.
<p> The swimsuit edition, eagerly awaited in Wellington Leg, will feature “Druids at the Beach” this year. Last year candid photos of Hizzoner sunbathing caused many to cancel their subscriptions to the D&L as well as a severe cashflow crisis at City Hall. Many blamed the Internet for the sudden nosedive in readership.
<p> Graf von Sitzbaedchen, caterer to the stars, ordered his celery and lettuce sous-chef to be beheaded at the Tower “as soon as those in the normal course of jurispridence lose theirs.” He expressed regret in a brief but touching postcard that simply read, “sorry.”
<p> The swimsuit edition is available at Eddie’s Book Nook for a song, according to afternoon cashier Marge. A big bald guy will provide door security for Eddie’s: free celery for the first forty visitors! Hurry!