Archive for April, 2007

I’ll have the Medulla but hold the Oblongata

Sunday, April 29th, 2007

Wellington Leg: a recent study of brain wave activity caused controversy in the Leg when it was revealed that researchers used illegal search methods to conduct their study. The matter was bound over to the Right Honorable Hamilcar Frist, an active opponent of brain activity in all its forms. His own medulla oblongata has been replaced by flan cultivated at a Mexican restaurant near Henley Hornbrook. “I make more money than ever,” he said. “And I’m more satisfied at work.”

“Humans don’t really need a brain anymore,” noted scholar and anthropologist Big Andy. “Try the flan. That’s my motto.”

Flan powered people excel at group activities. Professor Moriarity whose Jello Head theories have stirred controversy, demonstrated that by adding whipped cream to the flan the brain stem becomes inflated, filling with extraneous information. For instance the Professor once knew all the zoning regulations for Santa Clara County but now isn’t sure if San Jose has a hockey team or San Luis Obispo. He’s formed a hedge fund whose guiding principal is to forget who gave him money. “It’s great,” he said. “Hey, who are you?”

Despite the seriousness of the matter DCI Borchardt vows that no menu will go unturned until all the flan in Wellington Leg is accounted for. Flan production soared last summer as an alternative fuel source after circulating bed technology revolutionized flan production. “Everyone enjoys flan,” Borchardt said. “However drilling holes in people’s heads is another matter entirely. That’s where we draw a line in the flan.”

Off shore drilling is not impacted by the investigation because of jurisdictional issues. Judge Frist tried rowing off shore but was driven back to shore by what he called “waves.” The existence of these lunar driven waves is controversial although Well Bots have been seen bobbing up and down “for no apparent reason.” Concetta Comedia della Arta reporting for Science on Sunday.

Miss Marple Wants an EDGAR

Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

One of the great debates in publishing circles is about readers. Who are they? What do they want? On the eve of Edgar Night we might wonder whether the answer lies outside the fold of the book review section, the spotted owl of journalism, and can be found resting comfortably between the escalating Dow and Yankee earned run averages as these indices defy Fibonacci to climb ever higher.

Here are some ideas to attract new readers.

Pythagorean Love Triangles: once essential to the Romance genre these heated pursuits are front page news in the Wall Street Journal: ABN Amro, Barclays, Bank of America are trying to woo one another but a mad Scot, RBS Bank, threatens a Tartan juxtaposition. It’s better than NASCAR. Hearts are breaking.

Sanskrit Vowels: always a show stopper and heartily recommended for authors of Amateur Sleuth novels: Miss Marple finds herself in a downward Fibonacci Spiral: she buys a muscle car and gets drunk. Roughs up a few suspects, holes up with Jack Daniels and Raymond Carver, dons a black leather cardigan, sez, “Don’t even think about losing that EDGAR.”.

Roman a clef: the commander of the Decima Claudia Legion sends his harried batman out for Starbucks. After knocking back a Vente Americano he sacks London. Somewhere in the wreckage Jack the Ripper scampers off. Ironies abound.

New readers? The Tribune Company owns the Cubs. By combining the book review section with the sports page, the true tragedy that is the Cubs tradition sees some daylight. What would Rick Moody say about Mark Prior’s shoulder? That’s what I’m talking about.

Secrets in the Cookie Jar

Monday, April 23rd, 2007

For centuries governments have sought to protect their secrets. The Romans recorded strategic information on wax tablets as well as the more expensive papyrus, the ancient equivalent of the super-computer. Tony Rhodes, an agent in place, uses a cookie jar to conceal his codebook and operational notes. Tony is hiding on Guernsey in the British Channel Islands the target of an FBI probe as well as a terrorist group. Forced out of his lair he heads for a local barbershop whose owner has an affection for knick knacks.

Excerpt:

That was the image he fought to capture and keep, his secret love, his Achilles heel. God he loved Trish enough to cut her loose while she was young.

Trish lived in Del Mar, California, married to a successful movie producer named Roland Cutler. The desire to kill Cutler flared from time to time—this morning was such an occasion. Tony put it down to nerves. The movie industry fascinated Tony because of all the ways money could move, across borders, into shake and bake corporations that dissolved after the film’s completion.

Tony dressed before attending to the chores his three-room suite demanded. He made the bed arranging the quilt into a tri-fold on the edge of the bed. Langley approved of a well-made bed with nurse’s corners and a hint of stretch to the material. The young guys coming over from the Army Special Forces all made their beds that way.

When the cell phone rang Tony hesitated before answering. “Zero three nine,” he said.

“Sorry to bother you,” a man said. “I must have misdialed.”

“Is it about my ad in the paper?” Tony asked.

“The Ariel Square Four? What sort of shape is it in?”

“Clean. Rebuilt.”

“That’s too much bike for me,” the man said. “I’ll call back Sunday if I change my mind.”

“All right,” Tony said, his excitement mounting.

“Saddlebags?”

“It’s all original.”

“That’s the Mark II model, the four piper?”

“Yeah, it’s a ’55.”

“Such a classic. I doubt it will last until Sunday.”

Tony rang off slipping the phone into his jacket pocket. He didn’t need a codebook to understand that his counterpart in MI5 had just delivered a warning. He glanced around the bedroom before deciding to head for town as usual.

His landlady, Mrs. Duscherre, had taken to puttering in the garden beneath his window, a garden of leggy rose bushes and shade plants in the sun. She clucked and wheezed, pruning the already pruned, waving to Tony whenever he appeared n the porch, as though waving goodbye.

“Good morning Mr. Tidyman,” she said in a singsong voice that grated on his nerves.

“Yes,” he said standing on her porch. “Thank you.”

His response, always the same, never failed to produce a frown. Tony had interviewed a cartel leader in Panama a few years earlier and every time Tony said “good morning,” the man always said, “thank you.” This went on for two weeks before Tony asked the drug lord why he kept thanking him when he greeted him. “I thank you for not killing me this morning, Colonel.”

Tony loved being called Colonel.

When he thanked his landlady Tony was being sincere. The reference was lost on Mrs. Duscherre who seemed to have beat the rush into middle age somewhere in her twenties.

He doffed his hat and she watched him go.

Mrs. Duscherre had been reluctant to rent the suite to him. Every thirty days he enjoyed raucous sex with an English woman, a woman with airs and a disdainful manner. Nothing in the lease forbade sex although it was understood to be in poor taste. He waved at her from the pavement like a man off to war instead of breakfast.

Tony paid the rent that morning, spooning out the dough, his scarred fingers playing with the bank notes while she pretended not to look. Her kitchen captured the odors of week old bacon and burnt toast. Tony always wore his duty free slug of Beau Rivage Cologne when he paid the rent because a man who smells like an Ottoman prince is a man to be feared.

She’d noticed the strangers in the saloon car the previous week. They had parked on her road directly in front of Mrs. Hare’s even though the Hares no longer rented rooms. She had the impression that the men were watching her house, a feeling of intrusion she disliked intensely. When she telephoned the police, they’d sent a car around for a look but the strangers had left.

Mr. Tidyman paid promptly, a boon in the off-season, but spring brought the promise of English tourists, perhaps a sturdy German family going everywhere on foot.

Yes, she thought, by May she would nudge Mr. Tidyman out the door.

Once out of sight Tony picked up his pace. Tony had a calendar on his refrigerator. Beneath a stunning photo of the cliffs on Sark read the legend “Paradise is the Channel Islands.” He’d written “blood diamonds” in the box marked “things to do.” If Special Branch kicked his door in while he was in town, he estimated they would devote a month to puzzling over the handwritten note.

He had today, possibly tomorrow, to make arrangements, alert his network, destroy evidence, plant false leads, preserve his best identity, grab some lunch and get a haircut from the fat guy on the esplanade. Halfway to the Promenade Tony reversed direction retracing his steps toward the rooming house.

Mrs. Duscherre was in the front garden when Tony returned. The house had been Gestapo Headquarters during the German occupation and he wondered if his landlady’s forebears had been around back then.

“A bit on the warm side,” she said before firing up a duty free Silk Cut. “Odd weather.”

“Warm weather in March. Go figure.”

Tony entered the kitchen relieved to be alone. He grabbed several items from the silverware drawer, stuffed his pockets and left. He locked the door and went down the stairs.

Mrs. Duscherre was confused by his comings and goings, the look on her face one of pasty authority. Tony doffed his hat and she looked away. Once on the sidewalk he walked briskly under the shade of the chestnut trees and Dutch Elms toward St. Peter Port’s esplanade.

A Jaguar Vanden Plas glided past him near the small roundabout above the harbor. The tinted windows and low profile made it hard to discern how many occupants were in the car but his instincts said three. Three men, two in front, one in back. Wide boys from what little he’d seen, men designed for action.

He ducked into the street of shops near the Town Church. Tony strolled the narrow lane before stopping abruptly to admire a floral display. He sauntered across the crowded street toward a pub with tables scattered on the sidewalk. Lunch was winding down, one of the waiters smoked a cigarette, contemplating the tourists as they passed.

He followed the signs for Hauteville House where Victor Hugo had lived in exile for fourteen years. Tony doubled back, walking at a fast pace, eyes peeled for the Jaguar.

In a shop called Cornet Tony purchased a ceramic cookie car. The saleslady assured him he would be very pleased with the purchase. The jar depicted a mouse in farmer’s overalls wearing a yellow scarf. With a removable head the cookie jar had a capacity of some two quarts, she said, plenty of room for goodies.

“You must have grandchildren,” she said.

“Sweet tooth.”

After the grandchildren crack Tony allowed her to wrap his treasure in the previous day’s edition of the Financial Times. He forked over five pounds, dumped the change into his pocket and left the shop. The fat man’s barbershop was two minutes away, but Tony devoted fifteen minutes to evasion tactics, varying speed and direction every ninety seconds, backtracking past the Cornet clutching his mouse.

The cobble stone street was the width of a large alley. He entered the pub, ordering an ale and a plowman’s lunch. The landlord wiped the table down with a cloth before trundling off to fill the order. Tony took his package into the Gents and locked the door behind him.

After unwrapping the cookie jar, Tony lifted the mouse head free and glanced inside. He removed a bag of diamonds from his jacket pocket and dropped the bag into the cookie jar. Next he deposited a forged Canadian passport in the name of Henri Dumond of Trois Riviere, Quebec. Henri was okay for third world borders, but wouldn’t pass muster in Europe.

Someone rapped on the door. “Out in a sec,” Tony called. Footfalls sounded from the hall.

Tony removed his tweed jacket and rolled up his sleeves. He unfastened a bracelet on his left wrist, gold encrusted with sapphires before taking off a Rolex Oyster Perpetual. He strapped on a Casio watch with a plastic band, slipped the Rolex and the bracelet into the cookie jar. He paused for a moment. He really liked the Rolex—a gift from a deposed African dictator. Tony removed a second Rolex from his right wrist, a lady’s Oyster Perpetual.

The knock on the door was more insistent.

“Yeah, just a sec.”

Tony hesitated before dropping the Frozen Rope codebook into the cookie jar. On page forty-one of the book the names were written in plain text. He jotted the date on the upper right margin, closed the book, and placed it inside the ceramic mouse. Tony replaced the head, put on his jacket, rewrapped the cookie jar and left the bathroom.

A pleasant looking woman ushered her son forward. “All right, Jeremy, best hurry.”

Tony ate his lunch, drinking the ale, his eyes on the pub’s front door. He wondered if Sammy Moyer had gotten the message that Brazzaville was too hot in June. Tony wanted Sammy to run, but he hadn’t gotten the confirmation telex at the Bank of Lyon.

Sammy had provided a list of names, broken loose from network intercepts, vetted by no one other than Sammy. The list was the sort of raw intelligence that analysts would study for weeks, but the information frightened Tony and his immediate visceral response was belief. Some fool in Hollywood had written a screenplay based on real events, Tony’s personal history developed for the silver screen.

Another fool had green lighted the project and hired Tony’s daughter to star. Only a handful of people knew of his brief marriage three decades earlier, let alone that the union had produced a child. In his line of work secrecy was vital and he’d taken steps to protect their identities. Now her name was on a list of potential targets, and he was fucked if he knew how that might have come to pass.

Tony paid his bill, picked his up his cookie jar and headed for the door

Realism on Life Support

Sunday, April 22nd, 2007

I’m a fan of the Realism School, which is a one story brick building in upstate New York resembling a Moose Lodge. If I’m not mistaken Ralph Cramden was a Moose, or he played one on TV back when it was generally accepted that these things were not the same. Thus discerning viewers knew that Art Carney was not a sewer worker although his portrayal of one remains on the books as memorable.

The School of Realism teaches an appreciation for subtlety, now an endangered species on many fronts, although the Justice Department seems intent on redefining the term in the matter of DOJ versus Itself, a drama that C-Span called “riveting.” The Attorney General cannot remember why he fired a bunch of US Attorneys, introducing a very current literary trend into his reality. In fact he’s on solid ground if he sticks to the following genres:

Paranormal: He is a ghost, or Arlen is a spectre, or the entire oversight committee consists of the dearly departed who simply will not pass on. He cannot remember firing anyone because his consciousness is on another plane, a plane facing the usual delays.

Romantic Suspense: Somewhere in the committee chambers a vampire lurks. Mr. Gonzalez is protected from the bite by a magical polyester shirt: will he remember to wear it?

Tartan Noir: Gonzalez is tracked through the streets of Glasgow by Young Republicans in red blazers: he paints himself blue and counterattacks only to be arrested for historical violations.

Chick lit: once his best option, Gonzalez realizes that the Hair Club for Men reading list has him cornered. Where’s the manly stuff? he wonders. He debates ordering a gross of Aqua Velva before submitting his answers in writing.

Modernism, Post Modernism, Nihilism: drinking in an East Village biker bar Gonzalez is visited by the ghost of Dylan Thomas, and together they see the boys of summer in their ruin. He awakens on the beach at Crab Meadow at low tide: he remembers firing a bus driver, possibly Ralph Cramden. Gargantua and Pantagruel, employed by Suffolk County, issue a summons for vagrancy, but in the pocket of his polyester shirt Gonzalez finds an address: the School of Realism. Utopia. He remembers. Is it too late?

A New Ed Gorman Novel

Thursday, April 19th, 2007

Pegasus Books US will release Ed Gorman’s latest novel FOOLS RUSH IN, a Sam McCain story set during the early 60s in Iowa. The murder of a young African American man ignites the story allowing Gorman to draw a portrait of a small town America around the time of the Freedom March on DC. Your reporter will review the book for January Magazine in a few weeks.

Under the direction of publisher Claiborne Hancock, Pegasus US is on a crime fiction roll. John Shannon’s powerful THE DARK STREETS  was written up by Kevin Burton-Smith as one of the top crime novels of 2007. Charlie Stella’s SHAKEDOWN is a quality read and Pegasus has Martyn Waites warming up in the bullpen. This is an imprint that seems to favor individual style over a house style; Ed Gorman and Charlie Stella have different sensibilities, but, like John Shannon, they understand the story they’re telling and do not resort to gimmicks to amp up their prose. Very refreshing.

Edgar Night Approacheth

Tuesday, April 17th, 2007

Thursday, April 26, is the big day for mystery fans as the MWA will announce the EDGAR awards that evening. The award dinner will be at the Grand Hyatt Hotel near Grand Central Station. Ironically the hotel is larger than Edgartown Massachusetts and has color coordinated lobbies and elevators to guide guests through its halls. Your reporter is color blind and will have to cover the event from the Wellington Leg Hostelry and Pension, a Mrs. Frothingmunster joint.

David Ulin, new boss of the LA Times Book Review, has Sarah Weinman writing a crime fiction column for the paper. Sarah’s first article is about ghost writing and the phenomenal success of dead authors who continue to produce work although quality control is difficult from beyond the mortal coil. Here in Wellington Leg we’re excited that St. Benedict is writing again after a fifteen hundred year hiatus: breaking him out may present a different challenge but our own Lars Kierkegaard believes St. B is a natural for the Today show.

After the Dowager Princess drops a few pounds she will be available as a spot starter for the Yankees. Her cut fastball is eating right handers alive in the Steinbeck League and the city of Detroit may drop the book making charges once Mitch Albom has his letter of apology. St. Benedict, who fanned three times against the Dowager, will co-author her Apologia in exchange for a pillow from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

“It’s an excellent pillow,” he wrote. “Quite suitable.”

Prior to AD 631 monks were forbidden from owning pillows. The big box concept was in its infancy although parking was easier. Anon.

Satire Moratorium Begins Today

Sunday, April 15th, 2007

From the files of the Wellingtonienne: I’m excited to be back after my hiatus. Blogging on Sunday when the newsroom is empty is the coolest. My roman a clef SHE SOLD HER SOUL is writing itself thanks to my horrible boss Concetta ( that’s not her real name. wink, wink.) Anyhoo, it turns out that C can’t find five million emails she wanted to use in her divorce proceedings…Mr. C is still in Cleveland because of the snow…double yuck.

I’m pretty sure I’ll hired by Gawker and then have a three book deal in time for Cinquo de Mayo. Yay! After like three weeks of trying I almost gave up being a writer! Stick with it you guys!

Well, I have to finish an article about the Satire Moratorium which between you and me is long overdue. Wait, I mean the moratorium, not the article. Aren’t these dangling modifiers just the bee’s knees? I think they are. Ciao.

PS: Wow, I just found two million emails in the refrigerator right here in the employee lounge. Thank goodness for Tupperware! TW.

Literary Futures Battle Triple Witching

Friday, April 13th, 2007

Wellington Leg: Trading in the literary futures pit was suspended Friday morning after exchange president Don “Big Don” Quixote got into a fist fight with Ms. Montana Wildhack of the Vonnegut Canon. The prolonged battle raged unabated after Don criticised Ms. Wildhack for promoting cosmetic surgery on other planets.

Shares of Titan Cranial Airlines battled headwinds developing around a triple witching scenario blamed on a sudden drop in Knights Templar Holdings GMBH. Several traders reported armed intruders near the Political Pit, a rumor exacerbated by unnamed individuals riding armored horses. Trading resumed after Mall Security Director Phineas T. Bluster sounded the magic horn. Ms. Wildhack was cited for disturbing the peace and wearing ice skates on the exchange floor.

A contingent of ghost writers was escorted from the gallery after they created a clamor over wage scales and author recognition.

Sir Virgil Dante-Fogg, general manager of the Literary Hedge Fund, spoke at a luncheon where he assured an audience of investors that literature has a glorious future when hedged by yen borrowings, lean hog futures and a basket of Euro denominated Collateralized Debt Obligations. His vision of selling books one word at a time is catching on among ad execs who clamored for the fourth word of Sir Virgil’s Investing in the….

It is believed that the fourth word may be “Argonauts” although many argue that it makes no sense. Those who believe they know the fourth word are invited to submit their ideas care of this web log.

Bananas. Artichokes. Ferrellon Islands are incorrect.

What is the fourth word?

Goodbye to Kurt

Thursday, April 12th, 2007

If you live long enough, you see the problem with satire is its basic need for order, from which it derives contrast. Kurt Vonnegut is being written up as a counter-culture icon, a humanist, a gentle madman who tweaked genre fiction into political commentary while dodging and weaving through critical traffic. His absurdist constructs were funny, especially in the sum of all parts conclusion that human endeavor is choreographed to assure a stranded Trafalmadorian spacecraft that replacement parts are coming. In some ways Vonnegut failed to provoke an institutional response to his work since carrying a tattered copy of SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE was deemed less harmful than throwing animal blood around the bosses’ office or bombing them back to the Stone Age for those who thought DOCTOR STRANGELOVE was a drama, not a comedy. If humor is dangerous its absence is more so. Richard Nixon was too preoccupied in 1969 to throw Vonnegut into jail. He was redesigning the uniforms of the White House security detail to resemble the Papal Swiss Guards, an idea that I think was drop dead brilliant.

Kurt’s great failure was to be overtaken by events, by a reality as dark as any fantasy. His best work occurred in the 50s and early 60s when absurdity was a batty uncle living over the garage smoking Luckies and yelling obscenities at the mail man. My favorite, THE SIRENS OF TITAN, helped prepare me for the vicissitudes of later life. Thanks, Kurt, and God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater.

Don’t Send a Fancy ARC, Send the Author

Wednesday, April 11th, 2007

According to Publishers Weekly Minotaur is escalating the ARC wars with 4,000 galleys set for BEA distribution of Chelsea Cain’s novel HEARTSICK. According to PW reporter Rachel Deahl, “four thousand galleys, stuffed in clear evidence bags, were mailed to booksellers and the press last week, making the September novel appear it was culled from the scene of a crime.” ( Some paraphrasing here but that’s the gist.)

Matthew Baldacci is the VP of Marketing at Minotaur which is an imprint of St. Martins Press part of the Holtzbrinck empire. Mr. Baldacci says the effort is costing SMP “a significant amount of money.”

Financial editor of the Druidical & Literary, Stanley Morgan, although fictitious, has this to say: “A significant amount of money is one billion dollars. I don’t think this campaign will spend more than a few hundred thousand.”

None of the D&L’s literary team is familiar with Chelsea Cain’s work. A quick check with Marge, the afternoon cashier at Eddie’s Book Nook revealed that another publisher recently mailed her an entire author in lieu of an ARC. “That’s where the ARC wars are going,” Marge said. “Constant escalation.”

Literary critic Ildephonse Macaroni could not be reached for comment. His WIP I COOK is entering the pre-auction frenzy his agent Lydia Careerbreaker calls “robust.” Mr. Macaroni is prepared to be air-mailed to anyone whose anyone but not everyone whose anyone for fear of “reprisals.” Thus many who are someone may be disappointed but no one who is anyone will be overlooked.