Take My Clothes to the River. Put Them in the Water
Wellington Leg: As further evidence that we are all trapped in an ongoing Cameron Diaz movie there is this news item from the usually well behaved North of England: a woman filled her boyfriend’s van with his belongings before sinking the van in a large body of water. The boyfriend appeared to be waffling on marriage vows. It is unclear to this reporter how this will impact marriage plans for this couple but the man in question now has additional information in his quest to find a spouse. Of course he could have cited Lloyds of London Perils of the Seas as they include “sinking stranding burning collapse and overturn.”
The boyfriend may not have sensed the nautical threat to his wardrobe but it always behooves one to have plenty of insurance these days. “What if your van sinks with all your possessions inside?” asked Wellington Leg’s resident Lloyds broker Alf Shanahan. In Alf’s screenplay Cameron Diaz slaps him silly after he stays out all night playing poker with the boys.
Indeed most of the population of Wellington Leg must now abandon the sinking van plot device in their WIPS. “My sunken van only had electronics on board,” cried Gus of Goth, chagrined at the turn of events. “I wrote this before I read the article. Can’t I still use it?”
Frankly Gus the answer is no. Professor Moriarity explains: “The contents of the van are less important than the actual sinking of the vehicle. I’m afraid it means deleting the scenes where she loads the van, drives the van to the shore and the inevitable denouement.”
It’s back to the drawing board admitted Waltraut Frothingmunster. “In my story they’re both long haul truckers. She sinks a load of semi-processed gold off the Florida Keys but cannot remember exactly where.”
“Maybe,” Professor Moriarity said after evaluating her scene. “I like the part about the Bermuda Rectangle,” he said.