Tuna Eclipse Strikes the Leg
Wellington Leg: In a blow to reading darkness fell on Wellington Leg when a big tuna crossed the sun’s orbit shortly after one o’clock on Saturday. Fans gathered at Eddie’s Book Nook fled into the streets to observe the tuna’s parabolic journey across the northern sky. Angry peasants holding torches created a disturbance near the historic Rotunda before steel helmeted riot police fired tear gas into the mob. The eclipse also caused traffic to snarl around the statue of Dick on Horseback donated to the city by Lamont “Dick” Redondo hero of the war with Goth.
Hizzoner hurried to the Podium to reassure the assembled vassals and serfs that the tuna incident was little more than an elaborate hoax. “Certain elements,” he said, “have launched tunas skyward on numerous occassions…Wellington Leg stands prepared to scotch these rumors, to nip them in the Bud.” Observers remarked that Hizzoner may have disclosed the secret formula for the Boilermaker although the use of Scotch remains controversial.
DCI Borchardt and the Flying Squad commandeered a supply of torches found near Yellow Fin Alley. “Wastrels and layabouts,” Borchardt fumed. “Is this what Lamont Redondo fought for?” he asked.
Fisherman John, a colorful local, was taken into custody when tuna making materials were seized from the trunk of his lime green AMC Pacer. “It’s difficult to make a tuna from scratch,” Borchardt explained. “John knows how.”
Extra patrols near the Tower and the Big Fence that now surrounds center field will continue through the weekend. Vendors offering “tuna melts” have been issued citations and peasants with dirty faces are warned to avoid downtown. Bob Copernicus reporting.