Literary Hedge Fund Imploding?
Wellington Leg: A fearsome combination of bubble driven scary headlines and a shortage of flan is leading to speculation that the Piltdown Exchange will demand fresh material from the managers of the Literary Hedge Fund. As temperatures spike the ability to reimagine historical figures is threatened by an inverted yield curve: the yield curve is considered inverted when the observer is upside down and Paris Hilton is on parole.
Borrowing heavily from the classics is creating a fiction bubble coinciding with a dearth of celebrity-chef-confessionals creating short term pressure on the hedge fund’s ability to leverage and releverage at reasonable interest rates. “It’s been a few weeks since we’ve seen a Patterson novel,” noted trader Paulie Shorts, Wellington Leg’s most honored businessman. “I’m not remodeling my downtown loft this year,” he said.
Others close to situation were more sanguine. “Come on, we got Obama, Hillary, Roger Clemens. Nascar, a couple of famous twins. Literature is good long term hedge for any portfolio.”
“I hate to say this,” Paulie Shorts added, “we need the earl. Sure he couldn’t find Australia and his characters are on strike, but no one understands the futures market like he does.”
Pressure on the exchange was relieved after mall security officers, acting on a tip, detained several Walmart greeters pumping air into bicycle tires near the Celebrity Pit. “They claimed to be delivering calzone to the floor specialists,” DCI Borchardt said. “I for one believe them. I want to believe them. These guys are old.”
“Derivative drivel,” said Professor Moriarity. It isn’t clear what the professor was referring to although he was holding a subway map and a Krispy Kreme at the time. The professor was pelted by tomatoes as he crossed the virtual picket line surrounding Wellington Leg. “Imaginary characters,” Borchardt said, rolling his eyes, “A word to the wise,” he added.
Flan futures recovered in late morning trading while the Calzone Oscillator was off the charts. Geraldo reporting for Pork Bellies Unlimited.