Books for Turtles A Disappointment
Wellington Leg: Here on the thirtieth ultimo the Wellington Leg Books for Turtles Program has ended in failure. Program Manager Hop Girard admitted that the plan to see what turtles read has turned into an exchange program wherein Legians want to trade in their amphibians for classic books. The final straw for Dr. Gerard came when an Aldabra Giant Tortoise, weighing over five hundred pounds, chewed thirty pages of John Barth’s THE SOTWEED FACTOR. Billed as a reality TV battle of the titans the program was overly long ( 17 hours) and the Giant Tortoise hardly budged.
Entertainment expert Roy Canada compared watching the tortoise with the time he had to read a book in Montreal: “Well, it was really cold and windy but it just wouldn’t snow. The Habs were playing the Leafs and I think there was a guy in a Santa suit drinking mojitos.”
Tortoise handler Trixie of Hollywood was dismayed to find three rocks and a head of lettuce arrayed around the Barth tome. “I’m like, are you people for real? This is iceberg lettuce!” Trixie reminded city officials that ice berg lettuce sank the Titanic.
Although filming has ended the Aldabra Giant Tortoise, native to the Seychelles, has taken up residency in Wellington Leg. DCI Borchardt scheduled to appear in Richard 111, issued a Summons to the great beast: “He ate the summons,” Borchardt said. “He is under arrest.”
Mr. Simmons, appearing on behalf of the tortoise, said the summons bore a striking resemblance to a persimmon. Judge Timmons ordered Simmons to retrieve the Summons in a Summary Judgment. Simmons presented a persimmon to Timmons who demanded that Simmons be summoned to a persimmon expert.
Meanwhile the Aldabra Giant Tortoise has been ordered to “move along.” Yellow tape used to designate the crime scene area has vanished and is believed to have been consumed by the tortoise. Bobby G for Wellington Leg Crime Beat.