David Thayer

On the eve of the industry’s summer lull Scholastic gets one more bite of the Harry Potter series. More resilient than Alberto Gonzalez Harry enjoys a twelve million copy laydown coinciding with Roger Clemens return, the release of a new Potter movie, and the realization that dark matter may be encroaching in a manner that suggests the publishing universe is expanding. Savage discounting has broken out among retailers but the book’s retail price of 34.99 is double the cost of an oil change for a Ford Cortina.

Even as Kuwait uncouples from the US Dollar and domestic interest rates rattle the Live Hog Pit you have to wonder about a kid’s book retailing for close to 35 USD. Part of the problem may be found in China, unable to control speculation on the Shanghai Exchange, cannot produce a safe and sane knockoff of Harry in time for the Dog Days. Instead they are developing poisonous toothpaste. In the marketplace of ideas toxic toothpaste is a loser.

Harry’s release may influence the Consumer Price Index more than Scholastic’s cyclical bottom line. Here is the Wellington Leg Play on Harry: borrow the jacket price in Yen, short the Euro, jump down a manhole and light yourself a candle. Dark matter, man. That’s where the action is.

What would it take to bring Book Expo America to Wellington Leg? We asked Wilfredo Tagesblatt, VP of Development, as he grabbed a sandwich in the commissary where Pliny the Elder once held forth on the nature of celebrity. Mr. Tagesblatt cautioned against rising expectations in the matter of BEA site selection. “They chose LA for next year,” he said. “Despite the Roman seige.”

Wellington Leg is prepared to honor Rosie O’Donnell with the keys to the city. “The keys unlock an ancient mystery about a time when elephants roamed Long Island,” Mr. Tagesblatt said. “They built the Transit Authority,” he added.

A stylish magazine Wellington Leg Tonight will be developed in time for the conference. “Since book people are boring we’re looking at a Derek Jeter issue to coincide with the event. Maybe Jenna Bush posing with her book.” Few can forget the Dame Pamela Anderson issue that rocked Eddie’s Book Nook, Wellington Leg’s last indy bookstore, to its foundations a few years ago. “Eddie is a buzzmachine,” said Lars Kiekegaard, publicist of introspection, famous for his blurb “this book is adequate” or rather, “Adequate!” in the parlance of the industry.

The Earl will leave town: whenever company is expected the earl is willing to resume his search for Australia. His travel piece “The Myth of Down Under” suggests that Australia is a figment of the imagination and New Zealand is too far away. Australia’s ambassador to Wellington Leg is on home leave and was unavailable for comment.

Alternate side of the street parking regulations will be suspended if BEA chooses Wellington Leg. The current lottery system for east-west streets and byways is antiquated according to DCI Borchardt. “The Flying Squad stands prepared to deal with illegal parking in a metaphysical sense in that, yes, we are prepared, but not overly so, not over-prepared, but simply ready for the exigencies associated with a lunar timetable.”

As noted in the Sun the Easter egg hunt is over. Scooter is the big winner and will be homored at a brief ceremony at the Prince of Denmark Shopping Center. “It took eight weeks, but we found the eggs,” noted a spokesperson for the Prosecutrix. “With old business resolved, we welcome BEA with open arms.”

Positively from deep in the memory bank:

Put your feet on the sand, look to Europe where you stand

see it inside

Make the smooth edge stone, take the ocean for your own

the stars are witness

The west’s beton and steel cannot help you when you feel

the earth is moving

Drink your tears for body salt, find a place along the fault,

hide forever.

Wellington Leg: While many in the book world attended Book Expo America in New York City scientists at the Wellington Leg Combo Think Tank Fish Tank worked on improving the taste of blogs. After studying tropical fish for several years much of the research was transferred to a deeper analysis of blogs: there are pretty ones, ugly ones, some are toxic while others offer an enchanting ambience  similar to the periodontist office.

Among Literary Blogs ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE was voted most likely to mention Lou Dobbs more often than Jonathan Franzen. “The addition of decent carpeting would enhance the blog,” wrote Concetta Comedia della Arta. “This is more orange shag than one would hope to see.”

And consumers should know that this blog is flavored with pure cane sugar rather than artificial sweetener. I’d also like to point out that the weekend entry about rabbits had nothing to do with Updike or JD Robb. It’s a sad commentary that you love the Herman’s Hermits entry in the archives more than the high low over under betting system developed by the Dowager Princess.

Further work on the Tasty Turnip rattled the Piltdown Exchange after the Chinese Turnip Futures Index plummeted. The Tasty Turnip is being fed to local rabbits in an attempt to get them reading literary works rather than those genre novels, but cheap Chinese knockoffs are a menace to the entire project. The news produced a kind of hush all over the floor of the exchange.

Wellington Leg: Researchers at the Institute for Statistical Confusion are blaming the Earl of Watership Down for a steep decline in reading among citizens of the Leg and neighboring boroughs. Even allowing for a mathematical error ( interviewing rabbits) it is clear that reading is not as popular as it once was. After eliminating a family of vacationing Google bots ( they read everything) the study focused on the nuisance value The Earl presents:

“For two years citizens of the Leg have been subjected to an unauthorized character blog depicting their towne in an unflattering light. At the same time his refusal to pen his market weight hogs has coincided with several dreadful trends in literature, many caused by the Earl himself, at a time when reality TV and film sequels imply a cultural nadir that may be unprecedented.”

Still the opinions of rabbits are impossible to divorce from the findings since many of the respondents identify Bugs Bunny as their principle source of guidance when it comes to matters literary. To heighten the confusion several claimed that feral hogs “intimidated them” when asked about the works of Vargas-Llosa and the mysteries of Donna Leon. Market weight hogs are notorious in their dislike of both “irrational exuberance” and “alternative reality” probably due to the associations with pork belly trading.

DCI Borchardt plans to investigate charges of fraudulent results from the study. “Legians love to read,” he said. “Who can settle down with a Plum Sykes novel with a half ton hog reading over their shoulder?”

Anyone who witnessed a rabbit interview is asked to contact ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE care of the Wellington Leg Committee to Save Books from Rabbits Number 10 Drowning Street, The Mews.

“We guarantee strict confidentiality,” Borchardt said. “Thus far, only Ms. Adelaide Munster-Fibre has called to complain.” Ms. Munster-Fibre is a known crank with ties to the Conglomerate owned by Marty the Mogul. Geraldo reporting for the Eye that fell from the Sky.