David Thayer

Wellington Leg: With the non-waiver deadline approaching the Fighting Gastropods dealt Mrs. Frothingmunster to the New York Yankees in exchange for a hedge fund manager and minor leaguers to be named later. Tickets to Radio City Music Hall were part of the complex deal.

Mrs. Frothingmunster, former Postmistress of Wellington Leg, is expected to set up Yankee closer Mariano Rivera. Literary scouts saw her essay on Anthony Burgess and urged the Yanks to make a move. Mrs. F, as she likes to be called, plans to join the team in the Bronx as soon as Wellington Leg Aerodrome recovers from a gummi bear incident.

Included in her repertoire: a greater understanding of post modernism than current Yankee pitchers have displayed thus far.

Mrs. F will not have to clear the waiver wire. It is believed that the Red Sox made an offer to the Gastropods that included prized farmhand Dennis Lehane. The Phillies offfered veteran righthander William Lashner and a tradition of urban renewal the Gastropods found tempting.

Wellington Leg remains mired in fourth place in the Steinbeck League despite wild spending on free agents, free radicals, and free beer. The Dowager Princess may reverse the standings by decree although friend and adviser Hugo Chavez is said to be reluctant.  “Too many decrees spoil the Roth,” Hugo said from his corner penthouse. Sports Editor Biff reporting.

Wellington Leg: The mysterious disappearance of a storyboard left Towne Council members frozen in place for over two hours Monday morning. Working without a script several members of the maintenance staff began improvising dialogue in the hopes of stirring the committee into action. A proposal to rename Wellington Leg remains in abeyance as emergency writers were flown in from neighboring Buckshot Falls.

A sketch artist from Wellington Leg Forensic Services drew a picture of the thief who was originally thought to be Maximilian Bonaparte, Emperor of Mexico. It was only after an alert detective noticed a portrait of the Emperor as a young man that a new piece of paper was provided and a fresh drawing of dogs playing poker emerged.

While dogs are known to make off with things, police doubt that canines could have conspired to steal the storyboard with its detailed information on what comes next, who says what, and where everyone is supposed to standing when things do happen. “The storyboard is integral to Wellington Leg’s drama driven form of governance,” Professor Moriarity pointed out. “Without it, all is lost.”

Emergency writer Gunnar thought that Hizzoner, caught in mid-sneeze, should go ahead and finish the sneeze while others urged a more post modernist statement about nihilism. “Either way,” Gunnar said, “The man has to sneeze.”

A border collie wearing a beret was stopped and questioned near the Prince of Denmark Shopping Centre. “His alibi is that he was playing center field for the Detroit Tigers at the time of the theft,” DCI Borchardt huffed. Whether the Tigers are home or on the road was not immediately clear at press time. Voting on the name change will resume when a full time writer can be located. Meanwhile refreshments will be served at the Historic Rotunda near the statue of Balto. Heather de Medici reporting.

Wellington Leg: Keeping my voice at a whisper as I escape the Tower. Yes, the earl here, crawling down the mighty edifice by sheer strength of will, reckless of wind and howling beasts…hand over hand when, without warning, my cellular telephone commences its ‘ring tone’ of “Love is a Battlefield” not my first choice but rather institutionalized by the sales clerk. One suspects a different or customized ring tone is available somewhere for the cognoscenti but “Love is a Battlefield” certainly suffices in terms of alerting the garrison that something is amiss….fortunately my neoprene wet suit renders me invisible although tangled in the ivy. These are less than optimal reviewing conditions but do bear with me.

CITY OF FIRE by Robert Ellis SMP-Minotaur: something of a page turner with a front cover blurb from Michael Connelly. Strong story, some odd moments, well written.

A SPY BY NATURE, by Charles Cumming. A debut by this UK author a Scot recruited by the SIS. I had to set Mrs. Frothingmunster’s prized rattan Starbuck’s holder on fire to spirit this one from the TBR file.

A DANGEROUS MAN by Charlie Huston Ballantine paper: A Henry Thompson joint with murder and baseball, Russian Geezers and scenes from Brooklyn. These are a few of my favorite things.

THE CAIRO DIARY by Maxim Chattam. Another debut, this one from a Frenchman about a young woman hidden by the DST at a remote monastery where she discovers the diary of an English policeman in colonial Cairo. His investigation is more interesting than hers and the familiar elements of the plots weigh the story down.

The fellow in the neighboring cell is playing the spoons, a haunting melody…Love is a Battlefield. Last week it was From a Buick Six: they’ve brought out the vertical dogs…musn’t blog now. YHS, the Earl.

Wellington Leg: in a shocking development one of the Big Fat Guys announced that ONE MORE BITE OF THE APPLE will convert to soap opera format. “Who cares about books?” asked Fat Guy Bob. “We need to see some corporate sponsorship.” The deadline for the change is late Saturday afternoon when most critics are wondering whether to buy the Sunday paper on Saturday or wait for the ball scores in the later editions.

Hideous and Disgraceful: H&D is Wellington Leg’s premier media advisory firm and have been retained to advise the Big Fat Guys. Their enormous fee structure enables H&D to visit readers where they live, get up in their wheelhouse and deconstruct their consumption habits. For instance research reveals that most Legians want lite beer more than literary criticism while a vocal minority want both.

What of the Earl? Reading between the lines of this latest cultural skirmish eleven things become immediately evident:

The Big Fat Guys see a disconnect between media moguldom and greater personal satisfaction.

“The Whimsey of Fate” is a poor title for a business plan.

The Earl’s Beheading simply isn’t attracting corporate sponsors.

The Book Reviewer for the Druidical & Literary needs to be fired.

The Book Reviewer for the Druidical & Literary is writing the Pork Bellies report in the financial section as though trading on the Piltdown Exchange were a soap opera. “Not a bad idea,” notes Fat Guy Bob.

It’s difficult to save money by recycling baseball scores like 7-5 and 11-4 since readers want to know who won. “We can wean them off needing all this information,” H&D believes.

Some combination of baseball coverage and book reviews could appear at the end of the Sports ( and books) Section appearing on alternating Wednesdays.

We know the score. Pay us to find out.

Item Number Eleven? Do we have a math critic?

Wellington Leg: With the housing bubble and credit crunch keeping a lid on things, it’s no wonder that the Wellington Leg Real Estate Board has turned to the earl to solve both falling literacy rates and rising interest rates throughout the towne, borough, funstile, and section. Though facing beheading at the Tower, the earl has designed a miracle kitchen filled with remarkable gadgets such as the self fulfilling prophecy that sends alarm bells off when greedy hedge fund managers hide in the garage. The SFP will load and unload the dishwasher while dispensing the books of Heinrich Boell using the exclusive literary selection, a big red button with Cyrllic characters for added drama. An inflatable refrigerator is programmed to sense your every need: simply stand back and shout commands in German for that iced latte you crave.

Eugenia Phaeton, aged six, is Wellington Leg’s savviest investor. Her hedge fund Big Scary Things already controls Hizzoner and the Towne Council through a series of interlocking directorates and bookmaking losses accrued by city officials. “Call me an oligarch,” Eugenia says. “Competition only hurts everyone.”

Eugenia ordered her miracle kitchen with a few customized touches. Her microwave sends live images of the Tokyo stock market recalculating her yen position every eleven seconds. She can microwave popcorn and short the dollar without leaving her miniaturized remote control Mercedes.

Some remain skeptical. When Boris and Natasha visited State Store Number 12, a big box candy mountain of a place, the salesman was surly. “Miracle kitchen stinks,” he said. Natasha never allows Boris to load the dishwasher at home since she found spare parts for a t-72 main battle tank in the cupholders, although she liked the commercial potential for tanks with cupholders.

The earl’s miracle kitchen is powered by a small nuclear reactor fed by a three story gas turbine. “Turbine is too big,” Boris said. “But where else can I find Wallace Stegner novels?” he asked. Martha reporting for Wellington Leg Lifestyles.

Wellington Leg: Prehistoric monster Godzilla plans to attend this year’s Literary Faire according to sources close to the planning commission. Godzilla author of the memoir CHEWING TOKYO is represented by Hollywood Jake, a local raconteur and sometime literary agent. “People are overreacting,” Jake said. “Godzilla doesn’t destroy cities anymore.”

He did, however, consume a number of Walmart stores and a Big O Tire Emporium not far from Henley Hornbrook. “He had writer’s block,” Jake explained. “And he needed tires.”

Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe, chair of the Faire, recalled the time Mothra visited the Leg. “Mothra invaded the public library and ate all of the Pynchon books,” she said. “How do we know that Godzilla won’t do something similar?”

Written assurances from Hollywood Jake should assuage fears: “You know what happens to nosey fellas?” Jake asked your reporter. Jake speaks entirely in snippets from CHINATOWN, one of Godzilla’s favorite movies.

DCI Borchardt believes Godzilla’s visit is well timed: Wellington PD has a new stun grenade that can be launched from catapults scattered around towne. A test firing last week stunned Mrs. Eudora Fox of Middle Wallop an unruly COSTCO shopper who refused to yield in the overflow lot. “A middle-aged woman is one thing,” she noted. “Godzilla is forty feet tall.”

Several downtown streets will close this weekend as Borchardt will conduct tests of the grenade system. A forty foot cardboard mockup of Dick Cheney will be deployed to simulate an actual emergency.

Copies of CHEWING TOKYO are in short supply according to Eddie of Eddie’s Book Nook. “I just hope this isn’t Pamela Anderson all over again,” he said. Eddie fled Wellington Leg last year in the vain hope of becoming Dame Pamela’s paramour. He blames male pattern baldness for his abysmal failure. Geraldo reporting.

Wellington Leg: It has been ages since last I blogged! Prudentia here. I do wish to apologize for the dreadful content of previous posts. As owner and chair I have been greatly distracted by the condo conversion of HRH J. Mansfield Prison and the dismantling of those unsightly RSS feeds. We’ve put the feed in the garden where the odd meadowlark is drawn to the dreadful thing; really this technology business is appalling.

Well, down to the business of cozy mysteries. As you know Wellington Leg is quite proud of our own Dame Theresa penner of quilting mysteries. And there was that story in the Druidical & Literary, a dreadful rag though part of my late husband’s media empire, wherein Miss Dash, a private sleuth here in the Leg, had the misfortune of encountering a Celtic princess whilst shopping on the High Street. Only the intervention of the earl on horseback averted tragedy if one is to believe the fevered account of cub reporter Emil Balzac. Though the front page carnage lifted circulation ( including mine) one does wonder where this fascination with mayhem might lead.

You are curious about my own literary endeavors as well you should be given the remote nature and global reach of this blog. One must remain level headed about these matters unlike some people we know ( the earl, for instance. Hardly a day goes by without his dreadful prose being read aloud by the louts and layabouts lurking near the Hotel Faz. The place is an eye sore)

Well, that’s the cozy beat for today. One is in receipt of Mr. Ken Bruen’s latest AMMUNITION. I do expect this will be a cozy treat. TTFN, Prudentia.

Wellington Leg: Lots of interesting reportage from Thriller Fest held this past weekend in the Big Apple’s Grand Marriott Marquis where color coded arrows guide guests to their myriad destinations. Wellington Leg would be a perfect venue for Thriller Fest with the new convention center straddling Gastropod Alley. Alas, imaginary townes fare badly in these contests although we were able to lure the Mongol horde for a reunion. Thank goodness we banned big box stores to maintain the architectural integrity and vibrant high street atmosphere pushing COSTCO into the arms of arch-rival Goth, truly a towne without pity with overflow parking.

Once again much soul searching in the matter of dispatching a representative of the Leg to Thriller Fest. Our own Concetta Comedia della Arta volunteered to attend far too late in the day for the coveted yellow zone room high above the atrium. Concetta travels poorly and her knowledge of thrillers is sadly out of date. That said, she is a bona fide literary critic and a Rick Moody devotee. Perhaps we’ll save our pennies and send her to the National Book Awards soiree unless of course it conflicts with the World Series.

Wellington Leg would like to host an important literary conference. Hizzoner stands ready to suspend alternate side of the street parking regulations and the renovation of the Hotel Faz revealed a dusty collection of poets lurking in the basement. Thus fortified I invite suggestions as to which important conference should be held here.

The Mongols should be leaving towne soon. Rest assured.

Wellington Leg: Ben Affleck is bringing Dennis Lehane’s GONE BABY GONE to the screen this summer. It’s an interesting choice from the five Kinsey-Gennaro novels that helped light the fire under crime fiction during the reign of William knight errant of Arkansas. GONE BABY GONE might be the book that bridged Lehane to MYSTIC RIVER given the sprawling ambition of the story, the lurid aspect of child abduction and prose Pat Conroy could love.

Complexity and Hollywood are strange bedfellows but the New England connection helps here. Life among the three deckers of Dorchester creates a literary tradition closer to Dickens than Chandler; Lehane understands the class warfare and honor tradition of the blue collar families: poor by birth, poor by fiat, proud of the survival skills honed in the struggle of daily life. I don’t know what the filmmakers plan to do with the story elements in GONE BABY GONE, but I salute them for tackling this one.

Lehane has always struck me as a student of the game, a writer who moved away from the laconic PI motif after A DRINK BEFORE THE WAR. GONE BABY GONE is not my favorite of the Kinsey-Gennaro novels because we’re chasing too many points of view. The Pat Conroy analogy holds for me, the progression from the simple THE GREAT SANTINI to the sprawling LORDS OF DISCIPLINE was not necessarily progress, but it wasn’t bad either.

I look forward to the film. Hollywood making a movie more complex than SPIDERMAN is like watching kids playing with matches but, hey, sometimes there’s fireworks.

Wellington Leg: Time for the crime fiction roundup brought to you by the Piltdown Exchange:  “next time you need money stand a few blocks away and it will trickle down to you.” You’ve probably forgotten the Laffer Curve but that’s okay. The velocity of money is a function of a great many factors slowing to a crawl in certain areas of human endeavor while speeding recklessly ahead in others. Hey, I’ve got the books to prove any theory:

A WELCOME GRAVE by Michael Koryta: Just when I thought the people at St. Martins-Minotaur had forgotten me they send this one, a good one, the second novel in the Lincoln Perry series. Everyone whose anyone in Wellington Leg reads Koryta even the Live Hog specialists and we know how fussy they are.

THE CRUEL STARS OF THE NIGHT  by Kjell Eriksson. Murder in Upsalla by the author of THE PRINCESS OF BURUNDI. Eriksson is often compared to Henning Menkell but he’s more lyrical and playful and explores every facet of his characters’ spectacular melancholy.

Also from Thomas Dunne Books: INVISIBLE ARMIES by Jon Evans. One of the better thrillers currently available in stores set in India and the old Portuguese possession of Goa.

RED CAT by Peter Spiegelman. Do yourself a favor and read all of Spiegelman’s books.

DEAD MAN’S CURVE by Arthur Laffer. Okay, I’m kidding, but Arthur wasn’t kidding: it trickles down, dude. Like the way a bowling ball disappears and then it comes back! Way cool.