Wellington Leg in Peril!
Agincourt: Near this tiny village in the Vale of the White Mouse, the mighty armies of Bergerac, Armagnac, Prussia, Lombardy and the Canary Islands seem on the verge of routing the Legian Home Forces, so ably commanded thus far by the Earl Who Slumbers Yet. Fresh recruits, their numbers swollen by the sudden availability of nannies from around the realm, are rushing to Yasgur’s Farm despite the sea of mud near the Toll Road, and an Al Pacino retrospective at the Metroplex.
The Earl Makes an Inviting Target in his Hammock: in a stroke of genius the earl’s extended nap continues, frustrating the army of the Bourbon contender and his Scottish allies. With forty thousand men up to their knees in mud the Franco-Scot forces have been subjected to merciless taunting from Mrs. Gladys Taunton-Haunton whose tomatoes are ripe at last, she reports. Her heckling has demoralized the EU invaders who await the arrival of Faire Yorke to put things right. Yorke is carrying a quantity of beer in his baggage train, hoping to provide one beer to each Bourbon and Scot.
Large bombardments aimed at the earl have proven futile thus far: sheltered as he is by a chestnut tree the great gobs of mud hurled from ballistic devices mounted on wagons have proven ineffectual.
The Duke of Yorke is reported in the neighborhood having stopped for refreshment after a long march. His vast army landed on the coast near Carthago Nova where skirmishers and foragers located a B&B of sufficient size to accommodate 10,000 guests. The Inn is a wholly owned subsidiary of Gastropod Enterprises: the Dowager recuperated there last winter. Rumors are flying that the Duke and the Princess may be negotiating while the earl holds the EU hordes at bay.
Mrs. Emma Phaeton is prepared to join the earl if a suitable babysitter can be found. The candidate will have references, a working knowledge of kitchen machinery, and be experienced. A background in quantitative hedge fund modeling is considered a plus.
Geraldo reporting.