David Thayer

Wellington Leg: A new novel from the earl may be just what the doctor ordered to settle frazzled nerves here in the Leg. War with France, Germany, Spain, and the United Kingdom looms on the horizon just as the towne faces a fiscal crisis brought on by a demand for collateral and margin call by Big Scary Things manager Eugenia Phaeton. The Federal Reserve intervened overnight by watering the lawn and washing the car, but as dawn broke over Wellington Leg the pile of diplomatic notes, scathing reviews, and mocking emails caused Hizzoner to revoke cellphone privileges for all but a handful of city workers. The weather forecast and baseball scores were held over for a second day to conserve energy.

Despite the difficulties D&L reporter Tex Lex has learned that Eugenia and the earl took an emergency meeting at the Starbucks on Mincing Words Lane. Eugenia ordered a gummi bear frappucino while the earl couldn’t decide between bubble gum chai and the Godzilla shake. In the end Eugenia accepted the earl’s plan for a new novel based on the 100 years war, tentatively titled 100! In exchange for the manuscript Big Scary Things will withdraw its collateralization demands and accept a quantity of rhododendron bushes in lieu of cash.

On the war front a big cannon delivered to Hizzoner for defense of the realm melted in the afternoon sun. The innovative chocolate howitzer arrived from Amazon in a timely fashion but misdelivery or misdirection, probably caused by EU spies, resulted in an unfortunate delay. Several minions were dragged to the Tower after they ate the howitzer or the remains of the day. The guilty parties had containers of Cool Whip concealed in baggy trousers: DCI Borchardt promised swift justice in the matter. “You cannot eat our defenses,” he said. Tex Lex reporting.

Wellington Leg: the towne was plunged into crisis when six year old hedge fund manager Eugenia Phaeton announced a margin call from her swing set on the playground of PS 117 on Marriage of Figaro Strasse in suburban Henley Hornbrooke. Eugenia, manager of the Big Scary Things hedge fund, made her announcement during recess. “I’m demanding collateral,” she said, referring to Hizzoner’s brazen attempt to unwind his Gummi Bear position on the Piltdown Exchange. Highly leveraged positions included short positions on literary fiction coupled with imaginary friends, dozens of croquet mallets, and city of Wellington Leg booties designed for clean rooms.

A truckload of booties arrived at PS 117 shortly before mandatory nap time at the Piltdown Exchange: traders read stories and snoozed near the Live Hogs Pit the scene of so much rambunctious action this summer. When it was learned that Eugenia had rejected the booties, the market entered a frenzy of wild selling culminating only when the Board of Governors ordered mall security into the fray.

With war on the horizon many feel that Wellington Leg is no position to read more books this summer let alone unwind its entire credit structure. Some speculate that the Dowager Princess may negotiate directly with Eugenia: “I think Eugenia would enjoy being chair of Bayerische Motoren Werke, or BMW. Once the Princess has voting control, anything can happen.” Others are less sanguine: “This margin call will cripple Wellington Leg,” warned Gus of Goth. Gus wore forensic booties as a sign of solidarity. “They’re comfy,” he said. “They’re all about Wellington Leg.” Tex Lex reporting.

Wellington Leg: The Literary Faire resumes this weekend at the Historic Rotunda although city crews have dug enormous trenches along The Boulevard of Broken Seams in a last ditch effort to restore power to the Centre. Hizzoner was forced to read by candlelight and was reported to be delighted by the unexpected arrival of Moderne Hairpieces by French designer Jean-Claude. After modeling several of Jean-Claude’s creations, Hizzoner was whisked by water taxi to the Faire’s  Tent of the Stars: he mingled freely with the brightest lights of the literary firmament, capturing the coveted headband Arthur Rimbaud wore in the earl’s epic masterpiece RIMBAUD’S HEADBAND.

Le Soir described the novel as “gut wrenching,” while Bild am Sonntag, angry about Germany’s impending break-up, remarked that, “Wellington Leg is a small towne with an incredible supply of bad writers.” In fact, Wellington Leg is suffering through a shortage of bad writing, according to analyst Eugenia Phaeton. Eugenia has poured through a number of Annual Reports remarking on the “remarkable level of imagination and glittering prose,” she found therein.

The Literary Prize is rumored to be up for grabs this year since the award involves tests of physical strength as well as quantitative hedge fund modeling: one story arc has intersected the apex of the Laffer Curve creating short term liquidity problems. It’s not clear if Hizzoner’s hairpiece is an ethics violation since it represents a gift from a foreign power. A group of people in powdery wigs staged a brief protest before the Flying Squad intervened; in a documented case of magical realism the protesters vanished after questioning leaving only their wigs behind.

The Literary Faire runs through October. H.Hesse reporting.

Wellington Leg: As the diplomatic row with the EU escalates, book reviewers at the Druidical & Literary are swamped with new arrivals. The Dowager Princess, a Pelacanos fan, authorized overtime after reversing the standings in the Steinbeck League by fiat. She thumbed her nose at French President Nicolas Sarkozy after reading an especially gruesome review in Le Soir: “One should visit Wellington Leg only if one is desperate for terrible food, dreadful local wine and abysmal service. The Hotel Faz is a campground and we are removing its one star rating forthwith.”

The Princess ordered Paris hotels downgraded to “underweight” while forbidding French imports retroactive to the Roger Vadim Era. The immediate fate of the Barbarella retrospective is not clear; no one at the Metroplex returned our phone calls. Our journalistic efforts thwarted we turn to crime fiction:

WHO IS CONRAD HIRST? by Kevin Wignall. PEOPLE DIE is one of the all time favorites around here and Simon & Schuster is bringing Kevin Wignall’s latest this fall.

I’d just finished Stuart MacBride’s DYING LIGHT when his latest, BLOODSHOT, arrived. This guy takes Aberdeen and turns it upside down: lots going on for DS Logan MacRae and the always spectacular DI Roberta Steele, his chain smoking boss.

Olen Steinhauer returns with VICTORY SQUARE. Steinhauer has captured the eastern bloc even thought it’s not the eastern bloc anymore with Soviet era crime novels in the unnamed satellite workers paradise.

Our friends at Pegasus have published a short story collection by Marsha Muller called SOMEWHERE IN THE CITY. Cool prose and deft storytelling abound.

I wanted to mention Charles Finch’s debut  A BEAUTIFUL BLUE DEATH. If you’re fond of 19th century British sleuths this is for you.

Remember, there’s free popcorn all day at City Hall. French spies broke the machine so we’re making the best of the situation. Also bring a major credit card and get a free building permit!

Wellington Leg: What began as a diplomatic scuffle for voting control of Bavaria escalated sharply when the Dowager Princess, freshly acquitted of bookmaking charges, ordered the European Union to dissolve. Her Ladyship spoke during the third inning of a Gastropod’s game after dispensing a quantity of Coors Lite to the fans in the right field bleachers. As a consequence of her action the EU dispatched a mighty armada to make sail for Wellington Leg and blast it to smithereens.

Anthony Hardballs Haggarty a former relief pitcher with the Pods warned that Wellington Leg and her abysmal vassal states were prepared for war with Germany, France, Spain, and the United Kingdom. Mr. Haggarty has assumed the brief of major domo to the Princess and will command a company of other domos, some minor, some major, to confront the Euro nations and give them “a solid trouncing,” he said. Hardballs wore the protective gear of a home plate umpire during his brief announcement, and was met with scattered boos from the box seats.

Wellington Leg may also invade Canada to reclaim British Columbia. The Princess enjoys hockey and CFL rules and vows to improve both salmon habitats and downtown Vancouver parking.

Hizzoner was seen scurrying down Mincing Words Lane after the Princess dropped her bombshell. It isn’t clear if war with the EU will affect the Gastropod’s twinight doubleheader scheduled for Thursday. COSTCO in Goth is sold out of lances and spears, a spokesperson said. Once again, the ban on big box stores may come back to haunt the Leg. Tex Lex reporting.

Wellington Leg: I hate to bring this up in the middle of the dog days but Nan Talese is talking about Oprah and James Frey again, lo these many news cycles into the future. It’s true that some scandals have longer legs than others, and if you’re the British Home Secretary or former commander of the KGB Border Guards, your scandal runs rings around Oprah. That’s not to say that a confessional memoir isn’t just what the doctor ordered. After all, some feel that the purpose of rehab is to acquire a literary agent.

I blog not to praise Oprah who is now effectively running the nation during the hot weather. She has the Cubs in contention, she likes Obama, and like the rest of us can see her reflection in Rudy Guiliani’s forehead. Most of the major candidates have books out there, many of them written in long hand in the tradition of Hunter Thompson although few spark interest among the believers. Imagine the memoirs lurking behind the scenes as the primary season approaches: you want to own Hewlett-Packard stock as a trade.

I think it was Captain Kangaroo who first hinted at the nascient power of television by introducing Crabby Appleton and his villainy to the young minds of the 1950s. Crabby was rotten to the core, he liked to do bad deeds, “sometimes three or four.” Was James Frey watching? Are the Captain’s mellow meanderings enough to drive a man over the edge? The show remained on the air until 1984 when George Orwell took over as writer in chief. The show ran for 29 years and if you watch an episode you may well feel each of those years due to the slow pacing.

I’m not blaming the Captain for dismal memoirs and faux inspiration. Perhaps his triumph of form will gestate through the ages, and as scandals come and go, the true Kangaroo can shine through.  In the meanwhile there are 29 years worth of reruns  available, not to mention the Oprah-Frey footage for the archives.

Crabby Appleton, wherefore art thou?

Wellington Leg: Gossamer Werke KG, the largest employer in Henley Hornbrook, is laying off staff after a product recall on their wings was announced by the company. The recall shook investors at the Piltdown Exchange on a triple witching Friday a day when futures expirations, milk expirations, and three week old cheese often combine to frighten the masses almost as much as remakes of musicals do.

In a bizarre coincidence the trial of the Earl’s Hogs began in Devizes Court where a Greek Chorus sang snatches of standard hits to remain “in voice” for the big proceedings. Many of the recent trials heard by Judge Hamilcar Frist have ended in hung juries thus creating a scarcity of jurors not seen since the eruption of Mount Pajama. This summer’s lava flow skirted Wellington Leg devoting its unwanted attentions on suburban Goth and environs.

Nevertheless Judge Frist has ordered a high court rarity, a “musical” trial wherein all parties must sing their parts. In the Matter of the Earl’s Hogs versus Wellington Leg, the issue is not singing, of course, but rather the nuisance value created when 314 market weight porkers conspire to disrupt pork belly trading on the exchange.

Lazlo Stutz, a pork belly man on gossamer wings crashed to earth near the statue of Venus in Blue Jeans moments before the gavel came down ending the day of trading but opening the court for business. His gossamer wings may have been tampered with, Mr. Stutz reported.